tim o' grams

Support those around you!

2007-03-08T09:53:00.000-08:00

I wanted to let all of you know about a couple of great things that some of my friends are doing.

First off, Jon Goodman (not the actor) is running (and biking and swimming) in a Triathalon to support the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society (LLS) and he needs your support in raising funds.

Jon has been training hard for months to prepare for a gruelling triathalon in Galveston, TX on April 1st. His individual goal is to raise $3,000 to contribute to his team's goal of $80,000 for the LLS. You can check out his blog to see how his training has progressed, or you can go directly to his donation site to make a contribution. He only has a few weeks left to hit his goal, so any help you could give would be appreciated!

So hold off on sending me all that birthday money, and contribute to help fight Leukemia and Lymphoma instead.

Secondly, for those of you passing through the Fresno area this weekend, my friend Tony Bonds is putting on his short play about a man who sold his soul on the internet at the 2007 Rogue Performance Festival.

His show received a blurb in the Fresno Paper, and a full write up about his greatness in the campus paper, The Collegian.

Tony also frequently updates his blog with some of his stories and thoughts about creative writing.

Check him out now, while his show's are only $10. Maybe one day you could say you knew him way back when...

More signs of my upcoming birthday...

2007-03-01T09:39:00.000-08:00

There's a hole, there's a hole, there's a hole in the bottom of the sea. No word yet on whether there is a frog on a log on the hole.

And there will be the first lunar eclipse that we've had in the last 2.5 years, ON MY BIRTHDAY! Of course, I live in the only part of the world that won't see it.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Its all happening...

2007-02-27T16:51:00.000-08:00

So first it was the birds...

Now the bees have started disappearing...

Then Castro rose from the dead to do his radio show...

MacGyver has been reborn into a 13 year old boy in Florida,

Now they've found Jesus' box.

All of this cataclysm can only mean one thing...

My birthday is coming up! So mark your calendars and get your packages in the mail, I'm turning OLD!

Luckily, since my girlfriend "surprised" me with a trip to LA, I won't have much time to think about old father time chasing me down.

Richard Dean Anderson would buy me an iBook for my birthday...

I'm Not Insane After All...

2007-02-19T10:20:00.000-08:00

For the longest time I have been trying to find someone else who remembers a cartoon I watched in the 80's to no avail. I was begining to think I made the whole thing up.

It was about a boy who turned into a sports car when ever his temperature would rise. Finally I have found proof that it exists, thanks to this list that Do Dah mentioned in a recent post.

It was called turbo teen, and here is the intro!

Finally, I can sleep soundly again at night!

I Pray for Destruction...

2007-02-16T13:45:00.000-08:00

...Of outdoor pests.

Recently while perusing some links on other sites, I found a list from Amazon on gifts you definitely should not get your loved one for Valentine's Day.

Between the Ninja Hand Claw, and Fresh Whole Rabbit (not the kind you let your kids play with), I found the perfect item. Now, while it was too late to get it in time for Valentine's Day, and I did not need a gift for anyone else, I decided to splurge a little on myself.

So arriving in the mail on Monday, will be my box of two, yes two, cocoons full of hundred's of tiny Praying Mantids. I'm so excited I could burst.

In the next few months, I will have my own legions of Praying Mantids. I can just see them now, all lined up in battle formation, ready to kill the evil hosts of attacking flies, wasps and other outdoor pests.

Praying for the death of his enemies

The name mantis, comes from the Greek word for prophet, or fortune teller. But the only future these mantids will see is one bathed in the blood of the insectoid. They will be my unholy army of the backyard, and they will succeed. I will bite the heads off the losers in disgust, and the winners will be chosen to carry on their victorious genes by enjoying all the pleasures a female mantis has to offer... ...before having their heads bitten off by her.

Yes my loyal subject, feast on the blood of the backyard infidels

They will start with the backyard, but soon will encompass the neighborhood, taunting the dogs, providing a toy for the cats, delighting the children, and impressing the church going. But the insectoids will be cowering in fear from the Green Fist of Justice!

...except for maybe one lucky mantis. Him I will bring inside and nurture, protect, and educate in the ways of sarcasm. Then get him a gig as the sidekick on a talk show.

Zorak

New Links!

2007-02-08T10:39:00.000-08:00

I've updated my links to other blogs on the right over there with some blogs from my friends that I want to start reading more of.

If you are tired of me not posting regularly, you may enjoy reading theirs. As we have similar backgrounds, and they have had an influence on my life (and maybe I've had some influence on theirs) you may find some surprising similarities.

Miracle of a Rare Device - my friend Tony who is now in creative writing school, lots of short stories and thoughts on writing

Cathedral for Awhile - An amalgam of the efforts of a few of my friends. Videos, stories, poems, etc.

Unsquare Dance - Jeff James' site. A lot of pop culture references, techno-babble, and other random things. He's "following his fish", and if you you know what that means, you are two steps ahead of me

Enjoy!

Atleast one Lord sees it my way...

2007-02-06T11:06:00.000-08:00

A rebuttal to the article in the previous post: HERE!

Finally, someone else sees that when you combine meterological, economic and demographic FORECASTING into one hypothesis, you end up with a lot of room for uncertainty.

Of course, when the author of the paper was confronted with one of the claims that his description of carbon trading could end up being "capricious and corrupt" his response was:

"It is not a very analytical use of language and I don't think it bears scrutiny frankly. "

Ah, atleast he was classically trained in the art of the run around.

Blogger "very likely" wrong on this...

2007-02-01T14:47:00.000-08:00

So I saw this article on BBC about a report by the IPCC (Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change... r-tard!). It states, well, I'll just let you read it here.

For those of you too lazy to lift that right finger and click above, I'll tell you the subject of my amusement/disgust. The first paragraph starts out:

"Climatic changes seen around the world are "very likely" to have a human cause, the IPCC will conclude."

"Very Likely?!?" Is that the best we can do these days? Sounds like lazy science to me. If I had turned in a paper in 7th grade, stating that my dissected frog, "very likely" had a spleen, I would've gotten an "F".

Can't these scientists wait until all facts are in before jumping to conclusions? Sure it may take a few hundreds years until they even get to "pretty darn sure" about this, but isn't accuracy better than speed?

Now I'm not saying that I don't believe in Global Warming, the world is definitely heating up, I'm just debating whether or not we are cause.

Sure, the average ocean temperature is rising slightly every year.

Sure, the rate at which it increases is climbing.

Yeah, we had one of the worst hurricane seasons in years recently (followed by a very mild one).

And sure, glaciers are melting, we are losing ice shelves, and penguins are moving to San Diego (or something), but isn't it possible that we are not the sole, or even "very likely" candidate for this change?

Scientists have found records of the Earth being warmer than it is now, in its past. Could it simply be that we are still warming up from the previous ice age.

Antarctica had to be warm enough at one point for birds to move there (and eventually evolve into aforementioned penguins, wait, do scientists still believe in Darwin?)

There are millions of years of climate and weather data that we have no records of. It is very possible that what we are going through is quite normal.

I'm just saying, maybe we should all take a step back, and stop taking the blame for everything that changes in the world around us. A quasar just exploded 400 light years away, is it because of something I did? (probably)

Obviously, we need to conserve our resources, using them wisely. But lets not take complete blame for something that could be as simple as the fact that the dragon who lives in the Earth's core has a fever.

After all, it was these same "scientists" who wrote that paper a few hundred years ago entitled, "Earth 'very likely' center of the universe." And a few thousand years before that, "Earth 'most indubitably' on the back of a giant cosmic turtle"

MMMMMMMMMM

2007-01-05T10:20:00.000-08:00

No, I have not just devoured something tasty, I am celebrating 10,000 hits to this site in the Roman Numeral style.

For those of you who haven't noticed, I have now reached over 10,000 hits to my blog since I started it November of 2004. Not too bad for a site I started to while away the hours at work.

Thank you all for reading my idle ramblings these past 2 or so years, and thanks to those of you who encouraged and harassed me when I wasn't posting.

Now, to make this more than a milestone post, I'll leave you with my current thoughts.

If this world really is just some higher being playing their version of The Sim's, I really wish my user would find a cheat code for more money.

HINT: It could very well be ROSEBUD, !;!;!;!;!;!;!;!;!;!;

Happy New Year to you all, and may your sites receive more traffic than you ever dreamed!

I like Ike!

Thus Spake Zarathustra...

2007-01-02T15:21:00.000-08:00

Of all the titles I thought of while contemplating this post about my New Years, I felt that this was the most esoteric.

For those of you who think I am the be all/end all of existence, and haven't read this, I shall let you know a brief bit about my New Year's Eve. We ended going with friends to some house that was supposed to be in "the city" but ended up being just outside in an area called Bayview, most likely because of its view of the bay. For those of you unfamiliar with the area, if we had known it was in Bayview, we probably wouldn't have gone. But that would have been a mistake.

After getting off the freeway and driving down a few narrow streets that the term "ghetto" would more aptly apply to than "suburbs", we arrived a what appeared to be a small rundown, century old dwelling. After climbing a series of shallow concrete stairs that would've given a mountain goat pause we entered a magical wonderland of surprise. This house was much nicer than it appeared from the street, and much more spacious than you would believe.

It was indeed built over a 100 years ago, and has been in the current owners family since her great-grandparents built it in the early 1900's. The best part of it was the huge yard they had. There was an enormous treehouse that would make any 8 year old drool, a large cistern looking thing that was actually a sauna, numerous fire pits around the yard for warmth, and the largest Jade tree I have ever seen. The party was great, there was an interesting mix of people, yada yada yada.

Imagine this, but lifesize!

What I really wanted to talk about was the prevelance of a certain element throughout the night and how that may influence my new year. I've already mentioned the firepits placed about the yard, but there were also fire dancers there as well. Fire on sticks, fire on chains, fire on hoops and girls on fire, she put it out very quickly, don't worry. Maybe I was the only one who noticed all the fire, someone else could have pointed out the Bay, glasses of water, water in the toilet bowl, etc., but fire is what I noticed. Most likely it was my consumption of alcohol that led to my ponderance of fire, by the fire, but whatever it was, I couldn't help but wonder what all of this fire portends for my new year.

Throughout the ages, fire has been a symbol to many different groups and cultures for many different reasons, it can be a sign of wealth in Yiddish for example. It is often a dichotomy, a force of both destruction and creation, think of how forest fires destroy an area, but also leads to new growth. In Rastafarian-ism it is the base element for all beings, and a person, plant or animal that has died is said to have lost their fire; it is also the basis for the way they communication with Jah (pronounce the j as a y, then smoke a doobie and you'll be able to say it right). It is also what I use to light my cigarettes with.

My filthy, disgusting habit of smoking is meeting its destruction this year. Hopefully, in its ashes a Phoenix of good health will be re-born to cleanse that tar out of my lungs. And hopefully it will not cause me to wax poetic quite so often. It has been a long hard road of quitting, with many false starts, but I'm confident this time will stick. So it could be that my new year will be full of change and excitement, perhaps wealthy excitement. Fire has also been used as a symbol for passion and love. Of course, it could also mean that since fire is the basic element of life, that its time for me to get back to the basics and grow from there.

Whatever this new year holds, I'm looking forward to it. I've got a great job, a wonderful girfriend, four great pets, well a great dog and 3 mediocre cats, and this is probably the first New Years I've ever spent actually excited about what is to come.

Let's hope I didn't just jinx it.

Wiiiiiiiiiiii!

2006-12-31T10:43:00.000-08:00

Over the holidays, I had my first chance to take a look at the new Nintendo Wii. I had enjoyed all the prior consoles, from the original NES up through the N64, but did not have a lot of contact with the Gamecube, and never heard good things.

Well Nintendo is back and the Wii is incredible! I was worried that the controls would be complicated, or unresponsive. But after 5 minutes of playing the new Zelda, they controls felt like an extension of my body. Its a very interactive experience. Using the remote to jab and slash as well as to aim for projectile weapons, really makes the gameplay more immersive and
active.

I also got to play Wii Sports for a little while as well. My first game of tennis was just like being on the court. Your character will make it to the ball, so all you have to do is swing. Serving is just like in real life, allowing you to mimic the actual action of serving the ball.

There is also a bowling, boxing and baseball game inlcuded with the system. The boxing one was quite exhausting, Danielle is still sore, and the bowling game involves quite a bit of finesse.

The motion controls in the remotes are amazing, they respond accurately to movements you make and there is virtually no lag time. It seems like the Wii has finally accomplished everything the original Nintendo tried to do with all its crazy accessories for the NES in one small and compact remote. It acts a as a lightgun for shooting games, a PowerGlove for moving the cursor around the screen, and a running pad for sports games.

On most games I played, even though you can use small movements with the remote while sitting just as effectively, it is much more fun to stand and move about.

Although my actual play time on the maching was fairly limited, I had to compete with my girlfirend's 3 siblings for one controller, I am totally hooked on the Wii.

Update on My Goings On!

2006-12-19T10:43:00.000-08:00

Well, its been so long since I posted something, I was afraid I'd lost my log-in. After remembering that, I'm now afraid I've forgotten how to write. But since fear never gets you anywhere, I must press on.

The new job is going great. I'm really liking working for a small company as opposed to a large multi-national gig, as it is a lot more personal and flexible.

I started this blog mainly as a diversion from my old job, well, that and to pick up chicks. Now that I have a job I'm happy with (and that keeps me busy), and a girlfriend who won't let me pick up chicks, I don't have the time at work to devote to this as I once did.

Now don't go and start thinking that I've given up on writing on here, or that I'll only post every six months. But I definitely don't have the free time at work that I used to, so I'll just have to find some of my own time to do it in. Maybe if one of you wanted to buy me a new laptop for Christmas (click here for details) I would be able to roam around my house and yard, utilizing our wireless network at home at be more prone to post. Maybe you could chip in with some friends.

It's up to you, the reader, to support the art you enjoy partaking of. Right now I'm contemplating a new header for the top of the page, so stay tuned for further developments on that.

Other than that, Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays. I hope your new year is merry and bright, and all that jazz.

New Job!

2006-09-01T11:30:00.000-07:00

So the big news that I have been sitting on for the past week is that I have a new job!

For those of you who don't know, I was miserably unhappy at my last job, and used it as an opportunity to get paid while looking for a much better one.

And that, I think, I have found.

It's with a small company, there are 3 people in my office including myself, and a lot more flexible than my old job.

I'm nearing the end of my first week, and think I will like it very much.

There's a big difference between working for a HUGE multi-national corporation, and a smaller 15 person company. I think I am going to like it here, and I hope to stay awhile.

So if you have been wondering how I was able to stay out of the Pluto debate, not put my two cents in on the rising cost of oil prices, or why I haven't updated you on the various food products thrown at my car, it is because I'm busy at work, trying to learn everything I can as quick as I can.

My mood in general has definately improved, so you definately have some more updates coming at you fairly soon, you just might have to wait a few weeks.

See you soon.

Friday's Leavings

2006-08-25T09:24:00.000-07:00

I never really realized how incredibly gross pizza can be, and how inevitably older I am getting.

There was a time, not five years ago, when my diet wavered between an unhealthy addiction to Hot Pockets, and an even unhealthier relationship with the pizza delivery person. That was basically all that I ate for dinner for months on end. Even a year ago I would order pizza one or two times a month.

Well, living with a woman will change you in many ways, one of which being that pizza is no longer an acceptable solution for fullfilling all the different sections of the food pyramid.

But last night, after what's had to be months without pizza, we ordered from Roundtable. I had been so deprived that I scarfed down my pepperoni half of the pizza in what had to be record time.

Well, I'm paying for it this morning. And that's all I have to say about that.

Oh, they look happy now, but they'll be sprinting for the closet bush in the morning

On a more uplifting note for the level of society in general, massive protests are being held all over the world protesting a true crime of humanity.

Pluto is no longer a planet! [play dramatic music here... i don't know something space-y]

Ok, its just this one guy who was the head of NASA mission to Pluto. And all he did was make bumper stickers.

The Kind of Post That I Was Trying to Avoid

2006-08-23T10:50:00.000-07:00

I think one of the reasons I've been delinquent in my posting is that I'm not full of a lot of exciting things to write about right now. Well, there's one exciting development that may be arising soon (no, not THAT) but I'm keeping it under my hat until I know for sure.

But other than that undetermined excitement, life has been fairly bland.

I did a little yard work yesterday, wanna hear about that?

Perhaps you'd like to know about us washing our cars on Saturday (the hispanic workers next door were certainly interested, more so in Danielle's shorts than in me shirtless).

We also took Bandit to the dog park on Saturday and for a walk to get bagels. As much as that excited him, I really doubt you'll be interested.

Most likely as the dog days of summer wind down and the weather cools off a bit, I'll have more exciting adventures to tell.

Until then, you'll just have to wade through my pointless observations about the cats and maybe so movie reviews from shows I catch on IFC.

One last thing, I recently discovered Terry Pratchett (the author of lots of humorous Sci-Fi). So if you liked Douglas Adams, or other in that genre, you should check out the "Pratch" as his friends call him.

Friday's Droppings

2006-08-18T10:17:00.000-07:00

Why are cats always so frisky after taking a poo?

What would people think if I came running out of the bathroom at full speed after finishing up?

Now head over to D's page and watch this.

Then watch his roast on Sunday. We'll meet back here Monday afternoon sometime.

Back from Self-imposed Exile

2006-08-17T09:47:00.000-07:00

Well, its been awhile, but I finally feel it might be time to hop back in the saddle. There has been a lot going on in my life lately. From "living in sin," to family visits, to the unending stream of friends that have to visit us now, I've barely had time to have a thought to myself. It seems like every time I start to stare out the window pensively, I am quickly asked, "Whatcha thinking 'bout?" and my train of thought is lost.

As the end of America's Got Talent looms ahead this evening, I meet it with a certain sense of regret and excitement. Regret that something that allows a rapping Granny to get to the finals has so intrigued me, and excitement about the soon arriving fall season.

Lost, of course, is the show I'm most excited about, but there are a few new shows on the plate that have me salivating.

Heroes is the show I think I have been waiting for all my life! Every since I read my first X-men comic when I was little, I couldn't wait to hit puberty so my mutant powers would show up. Would it be the ability to fly, shoot laser beams out of my eyes, or cover my body with fire? I didn't know, but I was damned excited to find out.

Unfortunately, the mutant powers ship has sailed for me, as I am long past the age of where they would've surfaced. (though I'm still holding out for Immortality, but that's just a waiting game)

I also recently confessed to my girlfriend that when I have kids someday, I'm going to be sorely disappointed if they aren't unbreakable. Don't get me wrong, I'll love my kids no matter what they do, but deep down inside, it won't be until one morning at breakfast that one of them passes the syrup to the other using their mind that I'll be truly elated.

I'll love them even if they look like Nightcrawler. I mean, think of what we'd save on gas!
(FYI Nightcrawler can teleport anywhere in the world instantaneously)

Running Down the Street with My Hands in the Air...

2006-07-17T09:20:00.000-07:00

I hate to be the doomsayer running down the street with his hands in the air, but have you watched the news lately?

Just today, I clicked on the "Middle East" link on BBC News and my browser exploded.

I'm sure its not the end of the world, the world will be here long after all the humans on it are dead, but things are certainly a little hectic right now.

North Korea is testing long range missiles, and Japan is rattling its sabers at them.

Israel is bombing the crap out of Lebanon, and Iran is rattling its scimitars.

More earthquakes in the ocean, and tsunami's are rattling the bamboo in Indonesia.

Not to even mention that hurricane season is just getting ramped up. (and old people in Florida are rattling in their hammocks)

And people are complaining because the President is cursing? He'd better be cursing with all this shit going on!

Now, I'm not saying that the apocalypse is coming, and I'm not saying its not (ok, its not) but things could definitely get more difficult for us all.

So maybe think about keeping a jug of water under your sink, or at least keeping the Brita full. Maybe buy a few extra can goods at the store next time. And you should really think about converting your basement into a giant gasoline container.

Caving...

2006-07-14T09:47:00.000-07:00

Every now and then, we all do something we swore that we would never do.

For instance, yesterday I bought jeans that already had holes in them. Don't freak out mom, they were only $5.

And Danielle ate at a California named restaurant while in the state of *gasp* California.

But life is hard, and sometimes comprimises have to be made. I wanted a quality pair of comfortable jeans without having to pay a lot for them, and Danielle wanted pizza.

Luckily Gap, which was having a sale, and California Pizza Kitchen are right next door to each other.

"Little Miss, Little Miss Can't Be Wrong"

2006-07-13T10:55:00.000-07:00

This Tuesday night, Danielle and I, and about 80 other of our close strangers, met up in Berkeley for an exclusive sneak preview of the new movie Little Miss Sunshine. Due to Danielle's internet-browsing prowess, we scored free tickets to the event.

I have never laughed so much in my entire life.

The story follows the mis-adventures of a family besieged by troubles, on their journey to California for the Little Miss Sunshine Children's Beauty pageant. Steve Carell has broken out as an outstanding actor after he left The Daily Show, and this movie shows the range he is truly capable of. His character, the number one renowned Proust scholar in the nation, has recently attempted suicide. This has landed him in the home of his sister, Toni Collette, and her struggling family. Her son has stopped speaking because of Frederich Nietchze, her Father-in-law, one outstanding Alan Arkin, was kicked out of his nursing home for snorting heroin, and her husband is striving to be the nations next Tony Robbins. Which brings us to her daugther, a homely little girl striving to be the next Miss America. It is because of her that the adventure begins.

The family piles into an old Volkswagon Van and begins the trek to California. The trip is, of course, fraught with trouble. Not "The Hills Have Eyes" sort of trouble, but gutbusting tears of laughter (for the audience anyway) sort of fun.

The jokes were non-stop, every character is perfectly displayed, and the families troubles are funny, but not so outlandish as to be unbelieveable. And I absolutely loved the portrayal of the Children's Beauty pageant. It seemed right on, and I can not believe that people can't see how ludicrous that entire enterprise is. While the movie lacks a definate leading character, it tends to swing back and forth between them all, I think that its meandering plotline ties in well with the theme of a journey. The movie picks up in the middle of the families lives and ends in that same vein. While the characters grow and change throughout the movie, it didn't feel the need to wrap things up neatly at the end as 80's sitcoms were fond of. The script doesn't overwhelm the film, and while some, and I use that work lightly, of the comedy is a little high-brow, the film is neither presumptious, nor "better than you".

If you are going to only see one movie this summer, and everyone is saying Pirates of the Carribean is horrible, then go see this movie. Releases most everywhere (though I would recommend hitting up one of your smaller venues, like the Dobie or Alamo if you are in Austin) on Friday!

**Side Note** For those of you who know, I'm pretty sure that Steve's character was actually written for Kevin Jones to play, but due to his busy schedule, he was unavailable. Especially the scene I've dubbed, "the sarcastic van scene", due to it being about sarcasm and in a van. I'm pretty sure I've had that same conversation with Kevin the past.

...be like Buddha...

2006-06-29T15:27:00.000-07:00

I just read an article about Becca Bland and her idea for a "non-photography day". Her website expands on the idea.

Becca, a photographer herself, is drawing from her seemingly newfound Buddhist beliefs to encourage others to live in the moment, rather than stoically document it.

If you read the entire article, you got to the deragatory comments made by David Rowan at the bottom. He starts from the assumption that she is wanting to get everyone to stop taking pictures in general and claims she is "fighting a losing battle" comparing this day to anti-consumerist and anti-television days which have done nothing to stem the tide of watching TV or buying stuff.

I feel that he is looking at this wrong way. These "days" aren't there to elimnate these practices entirely- we are all going to have to buy stuff at one time or another- but to get you to go out and experience life in a different way.

Just as Becca isn't trying to get people to stop taking pictures forever, but to spend a day living in the moment, rather than recording it. While I agree that many people use photos as a way to try and "own" a moment, others use them as a way to simply remember how they felt at a certain time.

So check out her site, and put down your camera for one day.

"The thing is there before our eyes, for it refuses to be ignored; but when we endeavour to grasp it within our own hands in order to examine it more closely or systematically, it eludes us and we lose it’s track" -D.T Suzuki- Essays in Zen Buddhism

Another Comments Section Relationship Gone Bad

2006-06-15T08:51:00.000-07:00

I started blogging in November of 2004. At that time, I was single and living in a new city and trying to meet new people. I was on Friendster, MySpace, and hitting up random people on Craigslist looking to walk their dog around the Lafayette Reservoir. One of the random girls I was trying to pick up on Friendster had a blog on blogger. After reading it for a few weeks, and checking out other sites on blogger, I decided this was something I could do, in fact, something I've always wanted to do. Thus began the majesty that is my blog.

Well, this same Friendster girl and I continued to read each other's blogs and would send the occasional e-mail. I enjoyed reading what she had to say, and she at least pretended to enjoy my claptrap. I'd seen pictures of her here and there, knew minor details about her life, but we weren't really friends, just e-friends.

Then around the holiday season I received an invite to a Christmas party she was throwing. "Should I do this?" I asked myself, Should I break the fourth wall and meet this person who I had built up this ideal of? Well, I decided I should indeed meet this ethereal person and actually put flesh and bone to the ideal.

So Mysterious...

First off she was shorter than I expected. And of course other little things of who I thought this person was were completely wrong. The party was fun. We didn't know many people, and I had to drive back, so I couldn't get drunk enough to be social with strangers. But we had a good time and it was good to meet her in person.

But then I stopped reading her blog. It wasn't really a conscious choice, a "She's not who I thought she should be so I won't read it" type of thing. I just didn't find myself clicking on her link as often. Of course, that was about the time she changed her blog site, and I was doing a site redesign, and it was the holiday season, but it wasn't until about a month or so ago that she made it back into my usual repertoire.

Now comes the problem. One of Danielle's college friends, whose blog I read religiously, is coming out to visit in a few weeks. My problem is, what if she's completely different from what I expect and then I stop reading her blog too?! That would be too much for me to take! Her's is one of the few that I will laugh out loud to. So loud, in fact, it disturbs my co-workers causing a groundhog-like pop-up of heads over cube walls. Who else will I learn about phone flare from? Who else can I relate to about mistaken cat identity?

I'm sure she is great. I'm sure we'll all have lots of fun when she visits. But I still have a hesitation about it. We get along so well in our comments sections, what if that doesn't relate over to real life? What if we can only handle each other in terms of quipped one liners?

Oh Internet 2.0! You and your increased social networking capacity are driving me insane!

Ok, I will try and be like Buddha. I will have no expectations. Expectations lead to failure, which leads to fear, which leads to anger, which leads to hate, which leads to me eating at Panda Express! I will go into this meeting of wits with no ideals, no standards, and no expectations of height. I just have to remember... ....be like Buddha... ...be like Buddha...

...be like Buddha...

"The DEV-IL!"

2006-06-06T14:50:00.000-07:00

One of my friends in college was the biggest metal head I've ever known. He was about 6'4", had long hair down the middle of his back, and worked as a DJ at the excellent radio station that used to reside in Georgetown, TX, 107.7 KNACK, Home of the PsychoBaby.

He would frequently tromp about the house, raise his arms high and yell out "The DEVIL!" as loud as he could. Most people who came over were deathly afraid of him, as he looked to be some kind of monster when he would yell that out. But in truth, he was one of the nicest guys I knew, and was always around to help you out. This hell raising friend of mine has gone on to be a youth minister in the Houston area.

This just goes to show that outward appearances can be deceiving. I'm not going to say "are always deceiving" because despite what his friends may say about him, I'm probably not going to get too near the guy with the blood covered chainsaw and the necklace of squirrel heads.

Which leads me to today, The Sixth of June, in the year of our Lord Two Thousand and Six. A Tuesday. A totally unassuming Tuesday. The slowest day of the week at the Mac Genius bar in the Walnut Creek store. And also a day of EVIL! A day full of the Fru-its of the Dev-IL! That's right, today is 6/6/6. And we are all on the edge of our seats waiting for the worst to come.

Women are refusing to have children, in case it might be the son of the Lucifer. You know what ladies, if you are truly carrying the son of the devil, it will still be the son of the devil if it is born today, or tomorrow. Just ask Mia Farrow.

One of my friends had their baby today, and I'm pretty sure that they are not worried about whether the beautiful child they hold in their arms is devil spawn. I'm sure they are glad that they have a healthy baby, with 10 fingers and 10 toes, and are glad that everyone is alive and healthy. I'm sure it hasn't even occurred to them yet what the date is. Of course, once they do, I'm sure they drown the baby in a bucket of water. You know, just to be safe.

I'm sure there are people not going in to work today, calling in "rapture" and afraid to leave the house. Of course, this is not the first time this date has happened. It happened in 6/6/1906, 6/6/1806, and basically the 6th year of every century since we started counting this way. In fact, there was even a June 6th in the year 666. That's like 5 sixes, and if we survived that, we can survive this.

But this got me thinking again about those that look desperately for the apocalypse, that believe it will happen in their lifetime. Is that all they have to look forward too? Are their lives so destitute, that the only thing that could bring them happiness is the utter demolition of all life as we know it.

I saw Stephen King's "The Stand" that's nothing that I would look forward to.

Of course, there are those who are opposed to, and trying to fight the coming of the apocalypse. Thinking that if they can keep America from going to a cashless society, then the rapture can never come. That the creator of the you, me, the world, the universe, and everything could be defeated by something as simple as a bar code.

But, of course the world is not going to end on 6/6/06, everyone who's anyone knows that it will end according to the Mayan Calendar on December 12, 2012.

If you'd like to learn more about triple 6, check out your local library, or there is a great write up at Wikipedia (contributed to by THE DEVIL!)

One of the enlightening things I learned is that '666' is considered one of the luckiest numbers in Chinese culture, sounding a lot like the phrase for "things going smoothly". Which just goes to show that Chinese people are evil.

[Chinese people are not evil, their government is evil. Which is another reason why this blog is banned in China] -Ed. Note

Ta Da!

2006-06-02T09:00:00.000-07:00

Petting three cats at the same time reminds me of that old Vaudeville act where the guy spins the plates on the long, tall poles.

You start petting one cat and get him purring. Then another cat shows up so you start petting him to get him purring. Then you feel like the third cat is left out, so you go and find her and start petting her till she purrs.

But now the first cat isn't purring as much so you have to run back to him to get him purring again. Now the third cat has almost stopped...

Next thing you know, you are running back and forth between three cats trying to keep them all purring and now the dog is following you around, getting all excited and barky. All the time, I'm wondering, where is my applause?

Bigger than Jesus!

2006-06-01T09:56:00.000-07:00

So, every now and then I wish I had a much larger fanbase for this site, like Jesus-size fanbase. Sometimes its because I don't want to have to go into a job I hate everyday and would be much happier if I could just make a post, then go to the beach while watching the money from my ads pour in.

But the main reason I wish I had more readers is because of my friends. I have lots and lots of smart, intelligent, and creative friends. Many of their blogs I link to over there on the right under Links. Other's have their creativity offline. It's for these people that I wish I had more readers. That I had more people to tell about the wonderousness that is my friends.

Kevin Jones is one of those. I have known Kevin since we were freshmen together as Southwestern. We took an Intro to Acting class that year, and like the others majoring in Theatre, he hated me for only being a minor. This hate between Kevin and I existed for a long time until I realized that it's not Kevin, he hates everyone, and that small amount of tolerance he shows me, is just his way of saying he cares. Over the years Kevin has relaxed and become a very funny guy with a great talent for writing.

He wrote a hit play, what did you ever do?

He has written a compilation called "Six Plays by Kevin Jones" which can be found on his website here.

The reason I'm posting this now is that at long last, the book release party is about to occur. It happens on June 3rd, in Austin, Texas at the George Washington Carver (he invented the peanut) Museum. It happens at 7:30 pm and admission is $5.00. I know that sounds like a lot, but you get refreshments!

At this party there will be live music, and also a production of two of Kevin Jones' plays.

I know, some of you are thinking its not going to be that exciting, but come on! You are in Austin, Texas! How often do you get to attend book release/first time productions/live music in Austin. Like never!

Plus, you get the chance to feel very fancy. When people ask where you are going, you can sound very haughty and say, "Oh, one of my friends is having his book release party!" like it happens all the time.

Hey guys, what better way to get a first date than by inviting that crush of yours to an exclusive book release party? Nothing gets a girl to drop her pants like a new play. Just ask Kevin Jones!

So to recap:
"Six Plays by Kevin Jones" Book release party
Saturday, June 3rd
George Washington "invented the peanut" Carver Museum
1165 Angelina St
7:30 pm
$5 admission
FREE FRICKIN REFRESHMENTS! (bring your own flask)

So get out there and support local talent!

From the Lone Star State

2006-05-26T09:42:00.000-07:00

I'll have to say, there will always be a soft spot in my heart for Austin, TX. While landing at the airport I was reminded by the scenery flying past of its green rivers snaking through the hill country. I'll have to say, I miss it, but not enough yet to move back. I'm certainly enjoying the Bay Area. I always say I miss the heat from Texas, but then I'm back for about 20 minutes, and already I'm sweating... in a car... with the A/C on high.

Last night I met up with a bunch of old friends for drinks. It is always interesting to see where life has taken everyone. Everyone is more often married than not now, (or atleast living with their sig-other), working in great jobs, they've all quit smoking, and are living all over the place, from Oregon to New York. I've got some other friends that my be leaving soon as well. But no matter where we go, Austin is always the hub that brings us back together. It only takes 10 minutes of drinking warm beer in the sweltering heat (and that was at like 11:00 at night! Atleast 85 degrees at 11:00pm! How did I ever live like this) to feel like I'm back in college again, and half of us are drinking on fake ID's, everyone is smoking, and no one knows how we are getting back to Georgetown.

Well, that's the end to my stroll down nostalgia avenue, I think I might go hit the pool while nursing this hangover. It's a shame to let all the heat go to waste.

In Cars...

2006-05-22T09:50:00.000-07:00

This weekend, my insurance check finally arrived, and what began on May 1st has come full circle and I am now a driver again.

After doing some research and a little car shopping I am now the proud owner of a 2002 VW Golf. Apparently Drivers were Wanted, and I heeded the call.

Now, while you are all guffawing in your sleeves about my choice of vehicle, I will admit that I myself used to laugh at Golf drivers (though I pined after hot women in white Rabbits, thanks very much License To Drive, and Can't Buy Me Love). I originally was looking for a late model Passat or Jetta. When I first saw the Golf, I laughed, thinking, who drives those! I opened the door of one, just for kicks and giggles, and realized how incredibly room they are. I opened the hatchback and was amazed at all the space!

Driving it was absolutely Heaven. The test drive took up almost a full hour as I was reluctant to stop driving it. While not as powerful as the GTI version, it still packs quite a punch. It corners like its on rails, and brakes discretely yet firmly.

We haggled for awhile, they came off the price more than I thought, but then refused to move from there. At one point I even put my foot down and we left the dealership, saying I would have to sleep on it. But never being one to refuse instant gratification, we quickly turned around and went back to close the deal.

At the dealership, right before purchase

All weekend I have been trying to find reasons to leave the house, just so I can drive it! "What's that dear, no toilet paper on the roll, I'll run down the store real quick and get you some! Oh, there's a 20 pack in the cabinet, damn." "What's that? We need to hang some pictures? Well I'll just run down the hardware store and pick up some screws! Oh, I went this morning and bought a value pack, shoot" Apparently buying in bulk will be my downfall!

Long story short, it is a lot of fun to drive.

So I'm happy with my purchase and am definitely a more cautious driver now. That's not to say that I won't occasionally speed, I just won't be as reckless anymore!

Christening the Car with a Champagne Bottle

Danielle is very excited about it as well, though she hasn't gotten a chance to drive it. But she says its cute (I say ruggedly cute) and that it fits me well.

Danielle "hugging" the car

And with this purchase, the trifecta of changes in my life for May is now complete. I have a new car, a new house and new glasses. It's like I'm a whole new person...

...and who says men can't change!

"Here in my car
I feel safest of all
I can lock all my doors
It's the only way to live
In cars"
-Gary Numan

Its a Friendship Fence!

2006-05-17T13:39:00.000-07:00

In 1994 a little watched movie (that I loved, of course) came out called Speechless. In it, Michael Keaton and Geena Davis played speech writers for two opposing candidates. They of course, fall in love, lose their jobs, fall in love even more, etc....

During the film one of the policies being debated is one candidate has the idea of curbing illegal immigration by building a large ditch between the US and Mexico. As the speech writer, one of them comes up with the idea of calling it the the Friendship Ditch, quoting "Good Fences make Good Neighbors". I remember while watching the movie I thought (as a 14 year old) that this was a very laughable idea for controlling a very serious problem. But as it was a romantic comedy, what else can you expect.

Well, apparently our senators are softies at heart as well and also watched this movie. Today the senate voted to approve building a fence between a long section of the US/Mexico border. Full article here.

You'll notice the reference to the "good fences" quote. The only thing they are missing is the name "Friendship Fence", which I'm sure will come soon. (and I've copyrighted, so if they use it, they'll owe me big $)

Is this what our government has come to? Taking their ideas for government from romantic comedies? Isn't a fence just going to contain the problem, and not really solve it? Wouldn't working on a strong immigration policy to make it easier for immigrants to come to America from Mexico legally work more for American workers than against? After all, if they are legal immigrants, they will have government protection in demanding minimum wage, instead of working for even lower wages under the table. Then, the immigrants would be on the same page as American workers who complain that illegal immigrants work for cheaper.

Perhaps the issue of immigration isn't that American workers are afraid of losing their jobs, but that those Americans that are racist do not feel they should have to share their country with anyone else and are simply using the "low wages" stance as a red herring.

If nothing else, think of the other things that we use fences for. I use a fence to keep my dog in the yard. Ranchers use fences to keep cattle contained and predators out. Is this the image that we want to portray to Mexico, that they are simply an animal to keep in place? Or are they the crafty predator and Americans are the docile cattle?

There are many things that this administration has done that I have disagreed with, but this is the first that I am truly ashamed of.

picture from Seonna Hong

LET HIM OUT!

2006-05-16T12:18:00.000-07:00

I found this ad on Craigslist during my daily perusal of the free section:

"BLACK KENMORE WORKING DISH WASHER (4YRS OLD) MANUEL IS INSIDE THE DISHWASHER. REMODELING & DON'T NEED THESE ITEMS."

Hmm, is that how a dishwasher works? And aren't their child labor laws?

***Update***
Did this post remind anyone else of that Punky Brewster episode where Cherie gets stuck in the old fridge out in the yard while playing hide and seek? When Punky and her friends finally find her, she is passed out from lack of oxygen. Punky was messing around and not paying attention in class so she doesn't know how to do CPR, but her friend (either the boy or Margeux) was paying attention and Cherie was saved! ...maybe it was just me...

LOST 2.0

2006-05-11T09:06:00.000-07:00

As many of you may know, I am totally engrossed in the LOST series that is gruelingly slow in unfolding on ABC. Last night was the lead up to the Season Finale next week.

There are many things that are revolutionary about this series, but I think the biggest thing is the whole other world that the series has created. In addition to the hourly show each week there are many websites that the writers have created that tie into the show. There is the mysterious Hanso Foundation websites. There are the weird commercials that are airing during the show, and now there is a novel available for sale that was supposedly written by one of the casualties of the plane crash.

But it wasn't until last night that I discovered how purely genius all of this really is. One of the biggest problems television is facing right now is TiVo. Viewers are using TiVo to tape their favorite shows and then fast forward through commercials. As commercials are the bread and butter of network TV, they need to come up with inventive ways to reach consumers, while still raking in that advertising money.

One way LOST is doing this is by having fake commercials relating to the show during the regular commercials. This is getting viewers to watch the real commercials on the off chance that they see another fake one.

Another way is that LOST has created two worlds. The world of the people on the island that we watch (religiously) every week on TV. And this other world that we the viewer get to experience first hand. Whether its the pleading voice of an alluring female on the 800 number they provided last week during their "commercial", or the mysterious figure hacking in to the Hanso website leaving us cryptic messages about help needed, we feel like our participation is required to not only help this poor soul out, but also to be the first to discover what the hell is going on with the show. On some level, its like these people are really stranded on the island, while the rest of are stuck out here in the real world striving against an evil and powerful multi-national corporation (and there is nothing our generation hates more than powerful multi-national corporations) to free them from their fates. If I don't help them, who will?

They are also now using this massive following they have on the internet to cross promote other products in a very viral way. Last night, one of their fake commercials has in very small text in the bottom corner "sponsored by Sprite" and the commercial led you to a site titled Sublymonal.

Of course the web communities have already picked up on the use of Lymon in the address and the similarities between that site and Sprite's new ad campaign. Now whether or not this will lead to people buying more Sprite is yet to be seen, but I'm sure the traffic generated to their site alone has been phenomenal.

This all got me thinking about how our generation is requiring marketing that is very different from previous generations. While we all enjoy buying things, and are flattered that we are being marketed to, advertisers have a fine line to walk. We don't want to know that the thing we are enjoying is trying to sell us a product. Nothing ruins a Flash game, or crazy website more than knowing that the whole thing is a commercial. We are very against "selling out". So while The Postal Service and Modest Mouse are very popular bands, we just get upset when we see their music in an ad selling us a car. Not only do we not want to buy the car, we might like the band a little less too. (In fact, my girlfriend threatened to stop watching the show because of this tie-in to Sprite.)

But what's the point then of creating these games and sites if you can't tell us what you are trying to sell? Well, you have to make sure that what you create is so amusing or different that we will send it on despite its product tie-ins.

Another flash game about tubing, but where I'm riding a lifesaver rather than an innertube is just not going to cut it.

(Case in point, the very fact that I'm blogging about the LOST/Sprite tie-in just goes to show how well this all worked. Damn it, now I'm a sell-out too!)

Hail to the Chief?

2006-05-10T09:52:00.000-07:00

There is a good (and very long) article on Bush from Rolling Stone here.

I enjoyed the historical view point it took and the comparison to the actions of past good and bad presidents.

Bush has had many opportunities to be the "great uniter" he pledged to be in campaign speeches. Never before has a president had as high an approval rating as he once had. He could have used that power to truly make this a united country but has instead instituted a very singular agenda on the nation. He has constantly alienated not only his opposition but even many of the supporters he once had.

He needs to view his relationship with Americans as one should view a romantic relationship. Compromise is the key to being a couple, and should be the main agenda for a president ruling over a much divided nation. We understand, W, that you are a conservative Christian, but you need to understand that not all of us want those same restrictions in our lives.

We all need to get away from political name calling and totalitarian agendas and reach a compromise that both the left and the right can agree upon. Rather than alienating and attacking Democrats, he needs to be more able to work alongside them.

A great example of this was his recent comment that the National Anthem should only be sung in English. This country was built upon the backs of immigrants from all over the world. Our American culture is not something that was hanging around this continent when we arrived here (goodness knows we destroyed the culture that was already here), it is an amalgamation of all the different beliefs that people brought with them when they immigrated.

The ability to change and adapt is what has made us strong, yet he persists in trying to hold onto a past ideal of what this culture should have been, rather than looking forward to how great it could be if we all worked together.

[steps down off soap box, wipes hands on pants]

There, I said it.

"It's like someone is throwing marshmallows at me"

2006-05-09T09:27:00.000-07:00

After days of waiting for it to be checked in, Danielle and I rented the screen adaptation of Steve Martin's novel Shopgirl last night. And like everything Steve Martin, I am in love.

Danielle was hooked within the first two minutes, as Claire Danes' character has a cat that will not get out from under bed, similar to Danielle's own cat. I was hooked once her and Jason Schwartzman were having sex and said cat finally comes out from under the bed only to swat at his boy parts which prompted Jason to say the line quoted in the title above.

Steve Martin once again sets his story in L.A. Shopgirl reminded me of L.A. Story, in the way it was written and presented, but without the absurdity and social commentary of the earlier film. It followed the life of Mirabelle (Danes), trying to make her way in L.A. as an artist, while working at the glove counter of Saks. She's lonely, depressed, and desperately seeking someone to share her life with. She first meets Jeremy (Schwartzman), who did a great job as a young guy, completely ineffectual at dating, wooing, or even talking to women he is attracted to, and they go out on what has to be the worst first date ever. (Apparently, Jimmy Fallon was originally cast in this role, but I think Jason did a much better job than Jimmy could have.)

She then receives a gift of gloves on her doorstep that she sold to a customer at Saks (Martin) that he returned to her with a request for dinner. Thus begins their awkward dating and relationship that takes up the majority of the film.

Steve plays Ray Porter, a very wealthy divorcee. I had heard that this was the role he never wanted to play, but the studio would not produce this film without him. You can almost feel his reluctance to play this part come through in his acting. While the character is supposed to be emotional unavailable, it still feels that they had to drag him through his scenes and almost force him to look at Claire Danes' naked butt.

Despite his lackluster performance, I still think that as the author, he brought an understanding to the role that others could not have. His narrations throughout the movie really brought things together well.

I'm often amazed that the man that started his career with stand-up involving a fake arrow through his head, and was the genius behind The Jerk, can also successfully create such interesting and thought provoking films as this and great plays as Picasso at the Lapin Agile.

Not that every thing he does is gold, but for every Sgt. Bilko, there are at least five Three Amigos, Roxanne, or My Blue Heaven's. Looking back at his career, it is not often that he gets to play a completely serious role, and that is a bigger shame than Bowfinger's box office numbers.

Back In the Saddle Again!

2006-05-06T09:19:00.001-07:00

Just thought I would update anyone who cares...

I've heard from my insurance company and they will be sending me a check shortly. I'm getting back a good bit more than I expected and will soon be on the market for something new (well, new to me anyway).

Danielle has insisted that I drive again, and soon, afraid that I will never want to drive again. I will admit, I've been rather hesitant in the car and have not been on the freeway again yet. I'm not the bold, willing to take risks, driver that I used to be. It could be that driving Danielle's Forerunner is completely different from driving my Honda, and that's why I'm not the same driver. But it's probably just the constant flashbacks I am having to spinning around on the freeway and hitting the wall.

But, I've got to be positive (its in my contract) so on the bright side, I do get to start shopping for a new car and will hopefully have some pictures to post in the next few weeks. I'm leaning towards a hybrid, since gas will soon be $80 a gallon, but am open to suggestions.

Hope you all had a Happy Cinco De Mayo, now don't be so hungover that you forget to mail those Mother's Day cards!

I'm all Shook Up!

2006-05-03T08:55:00.000-07:00

So its been quite a hectic and crazy weekend.

On Friday night, while out having drinks with some friends, I got a strange text message. I immediately followed up with a phone call (to the wrong person, waking him up) and then corrected it with a call to the right person. It seems one of my good friends from college was arrested on murder charges for killing the mother of another one of our friends. The murder occurred in 1997, right after I met him, and before I was roommates with him. I probably saw him that week that it happened.

It's very weird. I don't know many details from the case, or what is happening right now with my friend. This is a guy I hung out with all the time, I was roommates with for a summer, I made out with his ex-girlfriend and he has been out to visit me twice. I don't know what to think, what to do. We are all a little shocked and confused.

Speaking of shock, I was also in a car accident on Monday afternoon. As I was changing lanes, I must have hit something in the road that cut open my tire, or I had a blowout. I lost control of my car, went perpendicular to traffic across three lanes to run almost head on into the concrete barrier on the side of the road. I am ok, though a little banged up, bruised and shaken, but my car is not. It was declared totaled and has since been taken off to the junkyard. I'm very lucky to be not hurt, I'm very glad for airbags, and I'm happy that Honda uses front impact crumple zones (or something).

As you can see below, the damage was quite severe:

This is before I was towed and still on the freeway.

This is once it was towed to my driveway and the picture is a little easier to see.

This is the offending tire. If you look closely you can see the flaps from where something cut it open.

So you see, I haven't forgotten about updating, I was just waiting for something truly exciting to post about. Like I said, the good thing is that I am alive and unharmed. The whole accident was very frightening. Everything happened very fast, and there was very little time to do anything. I remember trying to regain control of the car, I remember when I passed right in the front of another car, and I remember seeing the wall approaching in front of me. At that moment I remember thinking two things, I was worrying about where I was going to find the money to buy a new car since I was in the process of wrecking this one, and I was pissed that I had just filled my tank up with gas the day before. But the next thing I know is that my car was on the shoulder and full of smoke and there was an airbag in my face.

I immediately staggered from the car, not knowing if it would catch fire or what. I was very freaked out. At first, I didn't know if I had hit someone, if someone had hit me. I expected there to be much more of a scene. But traffic was moving on past me like nothing had happened.

I'm always coming up with weird theories on life. One of the ones I really like, (but don't necessarily believe) is that we all live a long life and die of old age, but when we are faced with a near death experience we die in one reality, but our consciousness is spurned into another. For instance, you are walking across a crosswalk and turn to see a car coming right for you. Next thing you know, the car has barely brushed by you or clipped you and left you hurt but alive. You don't know really how it happened, but are glad to be alive.

Let's say that the car actually hit you and you were killed instantly, but your life was spurned off into an alternate reality where you lived and were ok. So off in another reality somewhere, you are dead, and the people in that reality have to cope with your death, but you now exist in a different reality where you continue to go on and those around you still get to enjoy you.

If that's the case, then there is definitely another reality where the car accident was more intense, my girlfriend is distraught over me and my family members are at a loss. Luckily, that is not a reality that has to be dealt with right now (by me anyway, sorry to all those in that other reality for putting you through that).

Hopefully, this is the end of any more trauma in my life right now. Hopefully the shock of all this will wear off soon. Hopefully the upcoming move will go well, and I will be less sore than I am now. Hopefully I'll be able to find a new car that is both affordable and gas friendly. Hopefully I'll get my new frames from the eye doctor within the next week. That is where I was coming from when this all happened.

Another Friday Update...

2006-04-21T12:47:00.000-07:00

"Have you forgotten about your blog, Tim?"

"Hey Tim, why haven't you posted anything in awhile?"

"Tim? Are you there, it's me your reader!"

These are the types of e-mails I would be getting if anyone actually read this thing. But despite a lack of readers begging for more, I come to you once again with a tale of woe and fury...

Ok, I've got nothing, which is probably why I haven't posted in awhile. But I'll go ahead and update you on the humdrum that is, satisfactorily, my life.

First off, d and I have begun our first, of what will hopefully be many, collaboration project. There is a link over there under my links column (to the right) titled "Our House". Since we are moving soon, we have decided to have a site that chronicles the story of us in the house, and other house related items. Some of you may ask, "Why would we care?" Well, I don' t really know, you've read this far haven't you?

But the main reason for my absence is that I have been reading a great series of books, that other nerds out there may enjoy (cough..Ash..cough). It's called "The Farseer Trilogy", which is then followed up by the conclusive "Tawny Man Trilogy". (There is also a "Liveship Trader's" series in the middle, but I skipped those this time) They are both interesting in their own way, but most of you mainstreamers out there probably wouldn't enjoy it.

Unfortunately, when I get into a series like this that I like, I tend to dive in wholeheartedly, ignoring almost all else (just ask my girlfriend). So over the past 3 weeks I devoured these 6 books like a starving man at a banquet. Unfortunately, it is you the reader that has suffered.

Danielle, doesn't understand how I can read so fervently, especially when it is a series I have already read... ...twice. Maybe it's because I wasn't popular as a kid, maybe I lacked an outlet for my otherwise unbridled creativity, maybe I'm just a geek. But whatever the reason, I have always approached books as if I'm entering another world, a world full of characters like old friends. A world full of dragons and magic! A place where a simple guy like me can change the fate of the entire universe.

Some might say I have delusions of grandeur, some might say I'm mad, but who cares what others think (except high school kids). Books are my little escape from reality.

It could be worse... ... I could've taken up heavy drinking instead.

"The things I want to know are in books; my best friend is the man who'll get me a book I ain't read." -Abraham Lincoln (apparently his greatest enemy was anyone who taught grammar)

Friday Morning Redux

2006-04-14T10:28:00.000-07:00

So a weekend or so ago while checking my e-mail in an airport, I received a notification e-mail of a comment. At the time, there was not enough time to reply and I had almost forgotten about it. I went back and replied to her comment in which she called me wrong (me? wrong? never!). I replied back to her(or his) comment but feel it may never be read. As the poster did not feel the need to identify themselves, so we could both engage in a rousing discourse, I decided to post her comments and my reply as a post here. The original post was titled "Happy Chrismahaunzakwanikah" .

As you know, I rarely get into what my religious beliefs are, (as I feel that is a personal thing between me and whomever I happen to believe in) but if you ever really wanted to know, this is as close as I'll probably get to explaining it.

Original Comment:
"Your blog is incorrect. We awful hateful screaming stupid hypocritic Christians actually do have people telling us that we cannot say "Christmas" that we cannot let our children write out the word, and that we cannot post it in public places - not everywhere but enough to make us mad.. I apologize for the bad influences you have had in the past - people with NO self-sacrificing love at all, no real kindness, or charity, nor any real wisdom or knowledge, that claimed to be Christians. That, in my opinion is worse than taking Christ out of Christmas - -- taking Christ out of "Christian." It is the fulfillment of the scripture that says that in the end days (these very days) people will be lovers of themselves, instead of God, and will have a form of "godliness" that is completely powerless. " -Anonymous

My Reply:
"I apologize for you what you feel was a(nother) personal attack upon your beliefs. I don't recall using the phrases "stupid" "screaming" or "hypocritic" in what I posted. If you were referring to anyone who left comments, that is between you and them.

I was simply trying to point out the many many many liberties that Christians have (and take for granted) in our society that other religions lack. In fact, I would say that America is the most tolerant of all the forms of Christianity than any other nation in the world ever has been. That was, in fact, why some of the first settlers came to this country, so they could follow their visions of Christ as opposed to the Church of England's.

As for this being "the end times" well, Revelations has never been the easiest book to comprehend. In fact, when first written it was believed that the end times were happening then. There are always the fatalistic among us that believe the world can get no worse than it is now, yet somehow, humanity always finds a way to prove them wrong.

My only wish is that those who call themselves Christians would forget about Heaven and Hell, forget about the apocalypse, forget about everything else that they hold onto except for the love of Jesus, and the love that he had for all of us. If we could all focus on loving one another as Jesus loved us, (you know what, I don't even care if you believe in Jesus, as long as you can love others like he did) then maybe we would no longer have to look forward to a Heaven that we don't understand, but could begin to make this world a place that would rival Heaven (but not in a sacrilegious sort of way)!"

Today is Good Friday by the way...

...and have a good Easter!

Moving On Up...

2006-04-13T08:45:00.000-07:00

So it is somewhat official. Some of the paper work has been filled out, and some of the obligations that need to be met are possibly in the process of meeting (or something).

I am moving into a new home... right across the street from where I live now.

I'm pretty excited about it! Eventhough the backyard is like 800 times smaller (not an exageration) the house is a lot nicer... I think.

The thing is, we haven't even been inside it yet. The lady who currently lives there has not moved out, and won't let us come inside to look at it. So we've been staring through the windows and over the fence into the backyard, and I think we've got a pretty good idea of what it looks like...

Of course, if you noticed above, I mentioned "we". That's right, I'm making the biggest mistake a guy with a girlfriend and two mistresses could make... I'm moving in with my girlfriend. (Sorry Sasha and Amberline)

So I'm moving into a house that I haven't really seen yet, with my girlfriend of about a year. "Tim has finally lost his mind," you are probably all thinking, and I'm sorry to say I lost it a long time ago!

Of course the really exciting part is that we'll only have one dog and three cats in the house. A welcome relief from the 3 (large) dogs and 2 cats I live with now. I don't know, there's just something about pet hair on EVERYTHING! that I just can't live without.

So if I'm a little distant over the next month or so, you'll just have to forgive me. I have a lot going on.

***UPDATE***
So I was able to go and look at the house today as the lady was moving out (be careful with that Meth lab, she was yelling). She let me in and wander around, and it was bigger than I thought. I don't have any pictures yet, as I felt that would be rude, but I did manage to throw together a lousy little blueprint, which you can see below:

Country Roads, take me the hell out of here!

2006-04-05T09:27:00.000-07:00

So I have returned from my holiday in Texas, a day late and a dollar short! The day late was due to American Airlines, the dollar short is due to me paying way too much for a chopped beef sandwich at the Salt Lick stand in the airport.

There were many fun and exciting things that happened, some of which I will only mention in passing (I saw one of her boobs) , others I may expand upon later (like the wake I went to for a dearly departed chicken named Dusty Bottoms, which I need pictures of if anyone has any).

But what I wanted to talk about today is what a judgemental prick I can be. As mentioned above, my flight back home was delayed, thus causing me to find a place to hunker down for the evening.

I called my oldest and dearest blog buddy Beau, and he grudgingly agreed to house me for the evening, and even to get up at the ass crack of dawn to take me to the airport. For this I am ever grateful.

My gracious host

Beau lives with a few other friends from college in a nice house in north Austin. As we pulled up I looked at this sizeable home (compared to what I live in out here) and thought how nice it must be live in house that size. I'd like to stop here and make a disclaimer. I love these guys, I really do, they have always been great friends, and I am glad they were able to assist this wayward traveler.

That being said, let me continue. As I walked in I was immediately reminded of two things. First, I was reminded of how I lived in college, and two, I was reminded of why I needed to get out of Texas.

This house was disgusting (love you guys), I mean absolutely horrid! There were bottles and cans and stale food laying all over the place, not just food from lunch, but food from the party they had when they moved in a year ago. The sink was full of dishes, pictures askew on the wall, lawn unmowed, the carpet had never seen a vaccuum, I was appalled. I was probably more upset that I have 800 sq ft, and keep that pretty clean for having 3 dogs and 2 cats, and here they have probably 2500 and no pets and couldn't keep it up. I had forgotten what it was like to live like a fraternity guy, but was quickly reminded. I'll admit, I'm not the cleanest person in the world, and my room is often cluttered, but I have gotten good about keeping the common areas clean.

But even though I was afraid to sit on the couch, I was comfortable around my friends (though probably won't be after this) and enjoyed "just hanging out" like I haven't done in a long time.

That night as I settled onto the couch to sleep, I heard the sounds of a guitar wafting down from upstairs. One of these wayward hippies was playing the guitar, and playing it damn well. It was a nice montage of songs we all know, Norwegian Wood, by the Beatles stuck out the most, but there were many. That's when I realized what an ass I am. These guys went out of their way to help out a stranded traveler, and there I go making horrid claims about their lifestyle.

I stopped to think about the guys that lived in this house, a college student musician, a high school theater teacher, a budding filmmaker and excellent air guitar player, and a another musician with a band. All damn hippies.

As I looked around at the squalor I was nesting in, I made a realization. These are all creative guys. Creativity blooms amidst chaos, not order. Maybe it was the environment that caused their creativity to flourish. Maybe if their floors were clean and dishes in the cabinet, their personal muses would all die a little inside. (their neighbors would be happier, but their muses dead, you decide)

I remembered the note posted on the wall in the bathroom, apologizing for accidently knocking someone else's toothbrush into an previously unflushed toilet, but graciously offering up his own toothbrush until he could replace the tainted one. It reminded me of the true graciousness and friendship that we all shared in college, and still do to this day. It reminded me to look beyond the unflushed toilets of the world and see the true beauty of people for who they are on the inside.

In a clean house, there is no room for robots! There is no room for a Pac-Man arcade machine. There is no room for outside the box thinking. I then realized, that even though I had made different life decisions, that didn't mean those decisions were right for everyone.

Robut says "Clean, BAAAD!"

I also realized that deep down inside, I am still the slob I was in college, just now, I am a closet slob. (literally, my closet is filthly!) I have always viewed my room as my sanctuary and that is probably the reason it is always the most disorganized place in my life. But perhaps if I started strewing that crap out into the living the room, my muse would perk up and I would be able to post more often.

So to my many messy friends out there (if I have any left), I say throw another beer can on the living room floor for me! HUZZAH!

Country Roads, Take Me Home

2006-03-30T10:11:00.000-08:00

So this weekend I am venturing back to the thriving metropolis of Georgetown, Texas.

As many of you may not know, the Bay Area is experiencing an unusually wet year. We have already received about 27 inches of rain, and the yearly average is only 22 in. Typically by this time of year the rain is long gone and the sun is bright and (somewhat) warm. But it is still cold and rainy, and absolutely miserable. Of course, this is good news for my yard, which I recently re-sodded, but bad news for my sanity which requires warmth and sunshine.

So I am looking forward to my weekend in Texas which should be bright, sunny, and in the 80's. Ah, sweet delicious heat! Of course, on my past visits home I have found that I lost my weather tolerance and quite quickly melt under the withering sun and humidity.

We'll just have to wait and see how I hold up. But there is a softball game on Saturday, and if its too hot, I can just hang out in the dug out.

Good Weekend to you all! I will leave you with this slightly modified John Denver song:

"Country roads, take me home
To the place, I be-long
[Georgetown, Texas] [hilly] momma
Take me home, country roads
All my mem'ries, gather 'round her...
..I hear her voice, in the mornin' hours she calls to me
The radio reminds me of my home far a-way
And drivin' down the road I get a feelin'
That I should have been home yesterday, yesterday
Country roads, take me home
To the place, I be-long"

Eclipse-tastic

2006-03-28T14:39:00.000-08:00

So for those of you unaware tomorrow the Earth will experience the first total eclipse in years. Eclipses of long past were often associated with portentous events, typically of the bad kind.

eclipse as seen from MIR

So in honor of this week's total solar eclipse, I will remind you all of some of the many unfortunate events caused by them.

"The Watcher in the Woods"
This was a movie from 1980. Its about a family who moves into a mansion, but can't get Bette Davis to leave because her daughter mysteriously disappeared many years before while playing "blind man's bluff" with some evil friends during a total eclipse. This movie suffered under many script revisions and bad technical affects and never achieved the acclaim the original book deserved. (this is what happens when Disney tries to make a horror film) I faintly remember this movie from when I was little, and have always had fond recollections of it. This was probably the first instance of me enjoying really really bad movies! Be sure to rent it this weekend.

Blindness
Eclipses are often thought to cause blindness in those who stare directly at it, because the coronal flare from the sun is still bright enough to burn your retina.... ...but no more so than staring at the sun in general will.
Though for any who actually saw "The Watcher in the Woods" blindness may be seen as a relief from Bette Davis' freaky, freaky eyes! Unfortunately this won't help you with the next subject which is

"Total Eclipse of the Heart!"
If you want the full lyrics to this stirring ballad, you can check them out here. Say what you will about me (and I know you will) but I've always enjoyed this song... ...or maybe I enjoy harassing others by singing this song, but it all amounts to the same thing for me. Bonnie Tyler has produced a plethora of songs over the years, but this is the only one I can think of. So I will leave you with a snippet of the vastly annoying lyrics of this song:

And I need you now tonight
And I need you more than ev-a
And if you'll only hold me tight
We'll be holding on forever
And we'll only be making it right
Cause we'll never be wrong together
We can take it to the end of the line
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time
I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark
We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks
I really need you tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight

Once upon a time I was falling in love
But now I'm only falling apart
There's nothing I can do
A total eclipse of the heart

If you would like to learn more about the actual eclipse, there's an good article here.

Unfortunately for us in America, the eclipse will be seen only in South America, Africa and Eastern Europe... ...much like Bonnie Tyler's recent concerts! [ZING]

It IS Springtime...

2006-03-27T10:58:00.000-08:00

Maybe because its been an issue in the past with others, or maybe because I know he can be almost as difficult as I am, but it means so much more to me when my girlfriend says she loves my dog than when she says she loves me.

He does try and make out with her on occasion, and she tells me he spoons better than I do, but I'm not worried, we come as a pair. (and he still barks at her when she makes fun of me, so it's good to know he always has my back)

So all you out there dating people with dogs, remember, hating their dog is like hating their children... its just not done.

The rapscallion in question...

Speaking of dogs, my friend Tucker (Tommy T, if you're nasty) and his girlfriend Betsy came to visit this weekend and they brought their little bundle of joy with them.

Pollard (named after the Guided by Voices, whiskey swilling, 8 hour long concert having, drunken rambling, Pollard) is a few months old and a joy to behold. He is a mix of a dachsund, Boston terrier, and Pomeranian, but he looks a lot like a Jack Russell. He had a lot of fun with us on our tour of Napa/Sonoma, but was very disappointed he didn't get to try the wines. He's just a little guy, but he has a lot of spirit.

They are now off to tour Hwy 1 on their way back to Oregon, but my tour of Sigma's is not over yet, I will be in Austin next weekend for our annual meet and greet at the house, so I hope to see as many of you as possible there!

If...

2006-03-24T09:21:00.000-08:00

...I have to hear the phrase "living document" one more time, I am going to have to punch someone in armpit. (it really hurts getting hit there, you should try on a friend, loved one, or little brother)

Other things from the office amuse me from time to time...

Often while overhearing parts of a conversation, things can be funny. There is a lady who sits near me that I often overhear and these are a couple of the good ones:

"Oh no, don't go down me!"

"I'm sure we've all had our share of boners in the past."

It is so hard not to laugh when I hear things like this.

Then my girlfriend e-mail's me this:

"I just put a baby in a well and found a meatball sub...."

(extra points for who can tell me what she is talking about)

Fine, fine, I'm it!

2006-03-23T09:09:00.000-08:00

Ok, to start off, I hate these surveys, hate them more than I hate George Lucas for ruining Star Wars.... ... but I love my girlfriend and when she looks me with those puppy eyes... ...those enraged, glowing, rabid puppy eyes, I just can't say no to her! (no, I really can't, I tried)

So here is the now infamous (that's better than famous) tag four meme...

FOUR JOBS I'VE HAD:
*Chili's (waiter)- I worked at the Chili's in Georgetown for a total of about 4 weeks. It was the most miserable experience of my life, and not just because people in Georgetown don't know how to tip, I quit this job because I went tubing one day for 8 hours and got the worst sunburn ever, my entire tummy was bright red, and I couldn't wear a shirt. I called in sick to work, and they told me to put some Noxema on it and come in... I showed up two weeks later to get my last check

*Dell Computers (inbound phone sales)- I can't say a lot about this job (no really can't, they won't let me) but lets leave it at long hours, lots of stress, not the best choice for my first job out of college. I quit on my birthday, and I still haven't seen a gift to top that

*Fine Arts Proctor - I sat in the lobby of the Fine Arts building at college and tired to get surly hippie art students to sign in. I also made sure no one stole the Grand Piano's.

*Library Periodicals - Another college job I had, working in the SU Library, putting alarm strips in the back of magazines (and co-worker's back packs) and getting to look at all the restricted materials they kept in back (like European tabloids with boobies in them)

FOUR MOVIES I CAN WATCH OVER AND OVER:
For me, this is most movies, but if I had to pick four...
*Star Wars Trilogy - so good all three only count as one (if you have to ask which three, I hate you)
*Resident Evil 1 & 2 - I just love these movies
*Pirates of the Caribbean - I must have watched this like 20 times the first week I had it
*Cowboy Bebop - Well, some anime had to make the list, and even though this was an episodal series, it is one long story line, so I just consider it a huge movie (oh yeah, there's also a movie, that too)

FOUR PLACES I'VE LIVED:
Don't have four, you get three
*Conroe, TX
*Georgetown, TX
*Walnut Creek, CA (or just the Bay Area)

FOUR T.V. SHOWS I LOVE TO WATCH:
*LOST - If you are not LOST, then you really are...
*Scrubs
*Futurama - Thank you Tivo for recommending this
*The Simpson's - I've seen them all 500 times and still come back for more

FOUR PLACES I'VE BEEN ON VACATION:
In cooperation with the California Board of Tourism (and cheers to what I can only assume will become a very lucrative partnership) I've listed all my favorite places I've been in California

*San Diego - Spring Break '05 WHOOOOOO
*Mendocino County
*Napa County -sure it's in my own backyard, but what's better than a vacation in your own back yard!
*Yosemite - Sorry, picture not available, but the most beautiful place I have ever been in my life, thanks Glaciers!

FOUR FAVORITE DISHES:
I'm not really a big fan of food, so lets see if I can make all four
*Beef Stroganof - the way mom used to make it
*Enchiladas - I would kill for a Enchilada Tejanas from El Charrito in George town! Cheese enchiladas with a red carne sauce on top.... ...seriously, do you want someone dead?
*Everything my girlfriend cooks for me - ok, I was just trying to score points on that one
*Chicken Enchiladas - One of my ex-girlfriends used to make the best Chicken Enchiladas from an old secret family recipe. They were great, and if there was one great regret in my life, it was being stupid and uncaring enough to not get the recipe while I had the chance. Recently while strolling through the Betty Crocker Cook Book (you know, the one with the red and white cross-hatching on the cover) I found the exact recipe for those Chicken Enchiladas and was even able to make them better than I had before... ...so take that "secret family recipe"!

FOUR WEBSITES I VISIT DAILY:
*Dooce and Blurbomat -they're married, they are one website now!
*marginal thoughts - scoring points, scoring points
*What will Pocketboy (who's a girl) do today - that's right, you made the list!
*Jay Is Games - can't go five minutes without me games

FOUR PLACES I'D RATHER BE:
*Playing Fable on my new X-box - I'm only about 5 years behind now
*On a beach... anywhere warm
*Japanese Tea Gardens - I'm sure there are many, but I'm talking about the one in Golden Gate park
*Did I mention playing X-box - cuz right now I'm excited as a five year old on Christmas and all I want to do is play the "box"

FOUR OTHERS I WOULD LIKE TO TAG:
*Beau - Take that busy college student
*Jay - Get off your bum and post
*Clever WoT -take that busy law school student I barely know
*Chesty LaRue -you know who you are, and if not, I've linked to your blog for clarification
*Fuzzball -ok, so I chose five, I've never been one to follow the rules!

It's about damn time!

2006-03-17T08:23:00.000-08:00

So, much to my chagrin, it has been about 2 weeks now, since I've updated my adoring fans on the absolutely wonderfulness of my life... ...and for that, I am humbly sorry.

So many things have been going on that I barely know where to start.

My friend Charles and his brother came out from Texas recently to visit Cali. I always enjoy when visitors come, because I get to go out and do all the touristy stuff. We walked over half of the city, taking the trolley, climbing up to Coit Tower, and generally doing touristy type things. A good time was had by all.

Immediately following that, danielle and I went with some friends up to Mendocino county for some camping. It was absolutely incredible. I've never been along the coast out here before, and I was blown away! The cliffs, the seemingly endless ocean, the rain and fog. It was just great.

I'm a fan of pointing at things

I was constantly reminded of The Goonies, and kept looking for the giant rock that would lead me to the treasure of One-eyed Willie. (oh, hee hee, I just got that)

It's such an interesting dichotomy as you drive along the coast, one minute, it will be rocky coastline, the next you are deep within the redwoods.

We did a lot of wine tasting on the way up, and experienced all four seasons at the same time as we drove through the mountains. First it was sunny and nice, then it was raining, then it was snowing, then it was snowing while sunny, all within about 30 minutes and 10 miles. But, despite the weather, we managed to make a good start on our first wine cellar, with six nice bottles of wine.

Oh, and did I mention the driftwood. In Texas there is rarely any driftwood on the beach, but here it was everywhere. I've never seen smoother rounder wood chunks that I did out here. If I had been a hippie living on the coast in the sixties, I totally would have been a driftwood sculptor. For more pictures of the trip, click here.

Things have now settled back into their normal routine of TiVo and quiet nights at home, and that is just fine by me!

On a sad note, at the building I work at, we have a large reflecting pond out front. Every year we have a couple of ducks that come and stay for a few weeks, as they have for the past few. Its a green headed mallard and his mate. I assume they were blown off course a few years ago, and enjoyed the stop off so much, they have made it a part of their regular migration.

I like to think that they used it as a time to get away from the rest of the flock to reflect on their relationship and get back to what it was that attracted them to each other in the first place (probably his shiny green head and her tail feathers). Kind of like their little oasis away from it all.

Not our ducks, but very similar

Today though, it appears that they have moved on along their northernly route, soon to reach their destination and lay a fat batch of eggs. I wish them luck, but they will be missed.

As other grown professionals walked into the building this morning, they all cast a forlorn look at the pool, wondering where the ducks have gone to, and when they'll be back.

To end on a happy note, today is Danielle's and I one-year anniversary. Hopefully we will get a chance to get away from it all, just like the ducks!

Don't we just make you wanna vomit!

Happy St. Patrick's day!

Can you feel the Blog tonite?

2006-03-02T15:55:00.000-08:00

Ok, so that title really sucked. (but I don't care)

Recently I stumbled across a fellow blogger who happens to be in law school. His post that day I found amusingly amusing and I have continued to read him, and for good reason.

He posted a very interesting analysis of bloggers and blogs here.

I'm always hearing a lot of flack about the uselessness of blogs and bloggers, and I feel that he refutes it rather well.

Blogs are increasingly having a role in the way we communicate with each other. Gone are the days of a mass e-mail to all your friends and family with a life update, gone are the days of catching people up on the minutiae of your life.

Gone are the days of calling your parents, as they can simply check your site for any major life updates. (like my marriage to Rachel Ray ...just kidding mom and dad)

There are people now who are able to live a quite comfortable life by simply posting about their gastrointestinal disorders and hairy husbands (*cough* dooce *cough*).

Blogs are now a major part of our culture, and all you old fogey's out there just need to get used.

Sorry Mr. "Real" Journalist, we are coming for you, we are coming for you job, and we are coming over for dinner, so call the wife and tell her to make something nice!

"Change is easy; improvement is far more difficult." - Dr. Ferdinand Porsche

Happy Birthday to Me!

2006-03-01T16:46:00.000-08:00

So today is the first day of March, and that always gets me excited.

Not only because March heralds in the Spring, but because almost 28 years ago it heralded the entry of me into this world.

That's right, Tim's getting old! As of Friday, I will have completed another journey around the sun, my 28th to be exact.

I'd like to say that there are a lot of lessons I've learned, or have a lot of wise things to say, but I don't feel any different than that goofy 18 year-old who headed off to college almost ten years ago now! I still laugh at fart jokes, still have problems keeping my room clean, still think to much of myself, and still eat Ramen for dinner (though, admitedly, not as often).

Also, as an update, I have already purchased the faucet light, and it is indeed the engineering marvel I expected (not to mention the bane of my girlfriend's existence). I'll try and post some pictures sometime soon.

I hope your March is grand, and for those fellow Pisces out there, Happy Birthday to you!

So what if it is a year off..

Sunday Morning Coming Down...

2006-02-26T10:59:00.000-08:00

This morning I woke up horribly early and had the need to do something. (it probably stemmed from me not finding a coloring book at Safeway yesterday)

So in my ongoing quest to master Photoshop, I created a banner for danielle's site.

She helped with the colors, and of course, was my inspiration as well.

I think I learned some lessons from last time about size and resolution, and I used this site to help me with the template formatting (thanks to her again for pointing me in that direction).

Enjoy!

Turning Crap into Roses!

2006-02-24T16:08:00.000-08:00

In case my dorkiness is in question, I submit the following story for your review:

So today at work I had 123 account modifications to make. For those of you who don't know, that's quite a bit. It would probably take most of my coworkers a couple of hours to do.

Its a very boring and mundane task that I especially loathe. But, like I always do when I have stuff like this to do, I simply pull up some music, put on my headphones, and turn it all the way up. Today's choice was Queen.

So about halfway through I decided to make it more fun. I don't know if it was the Queen, I don't know if I've been watching too much Olympic coverage, but in my head I wasn't just performing a mundane task, I was competing in the National Account Modification competition and was competing with the best around the country. I set myself a time limit to be done by and set about to beating the world record (which doesn't exist).

I even had announcers in my head making commentary about my progress. Things like "Ooh, its mistakes like that, that could cost him the gold." But I didn't let the naysayers get in my way.

I trudged on, quickly making the changes.

It was right down to the wire, but I ended up finishing five minutes sooner than the time I set, and completing all the changes in about 45 minutes!

And of course, as I was completing the final few, "We are the Champions!" came on and boy did I feel like one! Nothing like a little Freddie Mercury to get you pumped about nothing.

"But it's been no bed of roses
No pleasure cruise -
I consider it a challenge before the whole human race -
And I ain't gonna lose -

We are the champions - my friends
And we'll keep on fighting - till the end -
We are the champions -
We are the champions
No time for losers '
Cause we are the champions - of the world" -Queen

I have the greatest girlfriend...

2006-02-21T16:01:00.000-08:00

...and we just got married! Our picture is below. Thank you all for all the kind things you said at the wedding and for all the great gifts from Williams Sonoma, I know we'll be very happy!

I'm sure she will be cooking me lots of great meals!

Rachel Ray + Tim = Perfect!

Ch-ch-ch-changes!

2006-02-20T15:50:00.000-08:00

So I have updated to a new template, just so you will all have something to bitch about.

This is currently template #3 for those of you keeping count.

I just found that the old one was a little too busy, and I wanted to take things in a new direction.

I find the white a little too bright, but I think I will adjust ok.

I know you will miss the pictures on the toolbar, but I hope you will enjoy that's it now easier to read.

I may play with the colors over the next few weeks, but after working on this all day, this is where I have settled.

And oh yeah, Happy Presidents Day! I hope you didn't have to be in the office today like I did.

"Time may change me, but I can't trace time" -David Bowie

Garage Sale

2006-02-20T09:06:00.000-08:00

So ever since I have been little, my family has had a garage sale about twice a year. And my parents were professionals. We had clothing rods hanging from the garage ceiling year round to hang the clothes from. My dad would use all his sawhorses to set up large tables, and we were up at the crack of dawn to sell all of our crap.

We would typically make about $200-300 a sale, and the money would always go to new stuff for us.

This is why I was so excited to have a garage sale this weekend!

Over the past few weeks, danielle and I have been going through our closets and taking out clothes, going through my garage, and finding old housewares no longer used, and performing a general cleanout of all our crap.

We asked a few other couples to join in, and we had ourselves a regular Multi-family Garage sale. The ad was posted on Craigslist, and we were ready to go.

All week the weather had been threatening rain on Saturday, so we were a little afraid that we would get rained out, but we prepared for the best!

At the ripe old hour of 7 am, we dragged ourselves out of bed for the sale. We first had to get everything set up. We put up clothing rods in the garage, but rather than being dowel rods, they were made from an old pool cue, and a garden hoe. I had an old cat scratching post/climbing tree, that we used to display our old shoes. We used a ping pong table for our crap and we were ready to go.

The weather held out till about lunch time, and then we packed it all back into the garage. We did the same thing again on Sunday morning as well.

After all this hard work and preparation, our garage sale probably made about $200.

After all this hard work and preparation, I personally cleared about $8.00.

Maybe next time, I'll just sleep in!

Happy Valentine's Day

2006-02-14T08:24:00.000-08:00

Today is Valentine's Day, and I wish a happy one to you all! I know not all of you are with someone, but on Valentine's Day, no one should be alone. So I leave you with the immortal words of Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young...

If your gal can't come to you
And you don't remember who your talking to
Your concentration slips away
Because your baby, she is so so far away

Don't be angry
Don't be sad
Don't sit cryin' for good times you had
There's a girl right next to you
And she's waiting for something to do

Turn your heartache into joy
She's a girl and your a boy
Get together, make it tonight,
You ain't gonna need no more advice

And if you cant be with the one you love,
Love the one your with!

Love the one your with

My Dinner with Trouble!

2006-02-07T10:30:00.000-08:00

So I recently had dinner with a friend, who we'll call Frank Courtney Nicodemus for security reasons. Nicodemus, recently got out of the Marine Corp and now works for a certain group in Washington who we probably shouldn't talk about. For those of you who know, keep it to yourselves!

Well Nicodemus was in town for a conference on something or other and I ended up making it into the city one night for drinks, and the next day to show him the stinky sea lions at Fisherman's Wharf (to which he replied, we have those in San Diego).

We talked about many things that I probably won't post here (mainly because they were about wives and girlfriends), but there are a few exceptions I was granted.

First off, I was just impressed to hear that he reads this thing. I mean I post and post, and yell at you people to read, turns out you actually do.

I figured while I had someone in government in my grasp I would ask all the questions I really wanted to know. So I asked him about the whole government wiretap issue, and is Bush listening to me talk to my girlfriend about whether or not we are going to have pasta for dinner? (Of course the more likely would be him listening to my friend from college Muhommed call his parents in Bangladesh)

His answer was (and I was drunk at the time, so I hope I get all this right) "Tim, if there is one thing I want you to blog about, it is this." Basically, what he said is that Bush can hand down all the wiretaps he wants, but the person ultimately legally responsible is the one that runs the tap. So this person with the recording equipment is, for the most part, not going to follow through with the tap unless he feels he can fulfill all the requirements necessary to gain a warrant. They have so many other legitimate requests to process and listen to, that these requests get short shrift. So even though an actual warrant is not being obtained, the listeners are making sure their asses are covered.

The other eye-opening thing I wanted to talk about is that a few of his co-workers were in town for business as well, so we met up with them at an undisclosed restaurant in North Beach. Before we met up, Nicodemus gave me a rundown of the crew. No names, everyone was called just by an initial. So there was M, who did something, there was Sam, who did something else, and there was JT, who was this big guy, who I "don't wanna know what he did". (all letters were changed to protect the innocent)

I get a quick briefing on what to, and not to ask during the dinner. "What do you do?" is completely out, "Where do you work?" is even worse, "what's your last name?" would probably have gotten me shot. Basically, I just kept my mouth shut the whole dinner.

The funny part was, I expected the dinner to be almost mythical. Stories of rappelling down buildings, explosions, hideouts in the desert. Of course, since I have a negative security clearance, and had never met these guys, I don't know why I thought that.

At one point, one of them (I think "Sam") asked me what I do for a living. I wanted to protest that, that wasn't fair since I couldn't ask them, but then I realized they probably already knew, and just told them anyway.

Basically, they sat around and bitched about the office. Their boss was crap, everything could be organized so much better, what was with that stinky guy, and wasn't Archibald (not a real name) so annoying. Basically, all the crap that I bitch about, about my job. That's when I realized, these people are just like me. They get up in the mornings, make coffee, drudge into work, where they sit there in the coffee room and bitch about management.

So even though the combined security clearance at the table outranked God, they put their pants on just one leg at a time, same as me. (but their pants are imperviable to heat, so they can fly around in their jet packs)

I like that he's wearing a suit...

I got "Shake"d!

2006-02-06T12:26:00.000-08:00

So anyone who has ever ridden in the car with me will know, I'm not what one would call a "cautious" driver. I'm definitely not a "defensive" driver, I am what we like to be known as an "offensive" driver. I speed, I'll admit it. I also cut people off, weave in and out of traffic, and do many other "seatbelt tightening" maneuvers. I'm not particularly unsafe, just not as safe as others.

Since I got into my last accident I firmed up my decision to not take things personal on the road.
If someone cuts me off, fine, they did, I drive on.
If someone behind me has their brights on, I'll just go on about my way. I'm not on the freeway to get into petty arguments with people, I'm there to get where I'm going as fast as possible.

A few weeks ago, on my way home from lunch I had a run in with a highschool kid. I was in the wrong lane to turn, and needed to get over, which I did in front of him. I signaled properly, there was room to move over, and I did. Well, being the high school kid he was, body raging with unrequited hormones, slammed on his brakes dramatically, and then went into the ONCOMING LANE OF TRAFFIC (of a four lane road), to get back in front of me. He was actually stopped there for a moment, as we were at a stop sign and there was a car in front of me. I let him in, he goes around the corner, I give him a thumbs up (sarcastic of course) and he slams on the brakes. I stop behind him, and he gets out of his car. Now, I'm not sure what his intentions were at the time, whether to beat my ass a little, or just yell a lot in a street full of traffic, but I never found out. I went around him, where he proceeded to hit my car. Who hits a car? He slammed his hand into my windshield, with no adverse affects, but hopefully he hurt his wrist!

Today, on my home for lunch again, I'm exiting the freeway when a jerk behind me in Dooley pickup ( you know, I think its spelled Dually (for dual rear tires) but I've always thought it the other way, and that's how it will stay) is right on my tail.

Now typically, I will never notice tailgaters for two reasons. One, I'm usually going the fastest and no one is tailgating me, and two, since no one is usually tailgating, I'm usually the one tailgating, and I rarely check my mirrors.

Well, this asshat is riding my tail, and I go to change lanes to the exit lane, he swings around behind me, floors it, and passes me on the shoulder. Now at this point, I have done nothing to this guy other than go more than the speed limit in the right hand lane, with him behind while tailgating the guy in front of me, and allow him to illegally pass me on the shoulder.

He gets in front of me and slams on his brakes!

(this coincidentally enough, is how I got in my last accident, causing me over $2500 in damages, and the other guy scratched his towing ball)

Well, in my whole scheme of not taking things personal on the freeway, I immediately get out of the exit lane, speed up, move about 10 cars ahead of him, and get back in the exit lane. As I'm exiting I'm running a yellow light to make the turn, and as I'm halfway up the hill, I see him coming off the exit to the red light. I smirk to myself, thinking my pacifism has won, Ghandi would be proud (except I was heading to lunch, Ghandi would've wanted me to skip it) and life is good. But as I crest the hill, I think I see the guy turning (when there is no way the light would've turned green that quick) and is coming up the hill.

I'm no too concerned, where I'm heading is a few blocks from the police station, and I can always reroute to there, so I carry on in my usual manner. I stopped at a light, waiting to turn right when I see him two cars behind me.

He pulls into the parking lot next to the light and I hear a [THUNK]. The asshat has lobbed a shake a my car. I believe it was Strawberry.

My milkshake, hits all the cars in yard...

He smirked at me from his car and peeled out of the parking lot. I got his license number.

Like I said, I'm not the best driver, so I've seen plenty of worse things than a shake at my car. I've had cokes thrown out of windows, cigarettes flicked on my windshield at night, I even once had an old man follow me home and call the cops.

But I have never seen someone with so little provocation ( I changed to an exit lane and did not let him go around me) go to such lengths to do so little. Obviously this man is disturbed, so I called the local Po-po on him, not that I'm sure anything will happen.

My question is, what is with you people. Things done on the freeway aren't personal. If I'm going faster than you, I'm not questioning your manhood. If I cut you off, I'm not laughing at your small genitalia. In fact, I don't know you, I've never met you, I don't want to hold anything against you, I just want you to stop going less than the speed limit in the far left lane. That's it! I don't expect you to drive like me, I just want you to get out of my way. If you are trying to keep your children safer on the freeways by thinking you are "slowing" down traffic by going 50 mph in the fast lane, you are sadly mistaken. You are creating more drivers like "shake man" above, and are creating more congestion on the road.

I'm not trying to justify my bad driving habits in any way. I know I should slow down on the freeways, and I'm sure one day I will. But we all have things we need to change about ourselves, and this one is way down on the list.

( I don't tell these things to brag, I'm just being honest with you about my vehicular background, if I wanted to brag I'd tell about the time about 4 years ago, I was going about 100 (maybe 120) on my way home from work when I run over a large feedbag in the road. Well, my car didn't clear it and I ended up dragging this thing under my car until it caught fire (the bag, not the car). It eventually flew out the back of my car, but for a few minutes there it must have looked like I was going re-e-e-e-e-a-a-a-a-lly fast)

Imagine this, but without the girl hanging out the window

Another lesson learned...

2006-01-28T11:15:00.000-08:00

Not everyone (well, probably hardly anyone) runs with their monitor set to 1400 x 1050.

Upon looking at my changes on a computer that runs a 1024 x 768, I realized I made some sizing errors.

I'm wondering, is there a way to compensate for the differences in screen resolution?

Is there an industry standard that most things are built for?

I'm sure there are answers for these questions, but its Saturday, and I'm lazy!

It's official, I'm a dork!

2006-01-27T22:14:00.000-08:00

"How," you ask, "is Tim spending his Friday nights?"

Well ponder no longer. Tonight, while my "lay about" girlfriend is, well, laying about at the Westin in San Antonio, I am spending my time familiarizing myself with Adobe Photoshop. You will notice my new banner above.

I haven't used Photoshop in quite awhile, and I was glad to see that the very little I knew, was completely forgotten. But quickly the importance of layers was remembered, though I shouldn't tell you how long I looked for the little MSPaint paint can to do a color fill [insert nerdy snorts of laughter here].

So if you see things changing every so often, its either because I'm trying new things out, or getting tired of my "early" work.

Feel free to offer any tips or hints you might have, and I always welcome criticism from those who know what they are talking about.

Up Next....
Incorrigible Tim's Mis-adventures with Moveable Type

Update

2006-01-27T09:27:00.000-08:00

So I ended up calling the cops about my little break in, not because I expect them to do anything, but because this happened 3 blocks from the police station, and maybe at least one cop will look in my car's direction on the off chance she's driving by while someone is trying to break in again.

So she leaves me a voicemail and I call her back and her name is Officer Grievous. For those of you who are not as nerdy as me, General Grievous was the four-armed, four lightsaber wielding robot in the latest Star Wars movie.

...So I got that going for me!

(see Dear, one more reason to finish watching the Star Wars sextology!)

***Update to the Update, in reference to the comments***

You girls are dirty!

From urban dictionary:

Sextology-A group of six dramatic or literary works related in subject or theme.
Another word used to describe a six part series.

***Update to the Updated Update, in reference to the above picture***

For you real nerds out there, you will notice that the movie is sub-titled "Fall of the Jedi", when in fact in the theatrical release, it was "Revenge of the Sith".

The truly nerdy will of course recall that before the "Return of the Jedi" was released, it was hyped as "Revenge of the Jedi" to cut down on unlicsenced merchandise. Of course, if you have anything that shows "Revenge of the Jedi" it is worth a lot of money. So, I don't know how well that worked.

If you are saying to yourself, "Of course it wasn't Revenge of the Jedi, you silly Tim, a Jedi craves not revenge!" To you I say, good luck in finding a girlfriend!

Greetings from the Great White North!

2006-01-23T10:13:00.000-08:00

This weekend involved a quick jaunt up to Tahoe for a weekend of wine-tasting and amateur skiing.

We started off on Friday by stopping at what had to be the smallest wineries I have ever been to. The first "tasting room", Greene Family Winery, was in a large metal building full of casks and other wine making equipment. But they made it look nice with a bar and some crackers and dip.

The next winery was a little more upscale, they had a tasting room which was its own separate building, and surrounded by grapevines, so it looked a little more legitimate.

All along the way, we heard about some old man called Charlie. The stories ranged from he was a wacko, to just a crazy old coot, but they all fell short of the truth.

Uncle Charlie, as he should be referred to, lived out in the middle of nowhere and his "tasting room" was a foldout table in a barn. But he was very laid back, made great wine, and was very open about getting your own refills. "Once I pour the first glass, and finish talking about the wine, its up to you to get your own refills!"

That's Uncle Charlie with the two bottles...

...I'm apparently already drunk (on the right), good thing I was driving!

Danielle has not skied since she was 9, and she did quite well. Once the situation with the "Evil Boots" was resolved, she made very good progress coming down the slope. Luckily for me, the terrain park was right next to the bunny slope, so I could do some more adventurous skiing while still keeping an eye out for her. At one point I had her try to take a picture of me going over a jump. She missed the shot and yelled out "Oh, damn!" which made me turn and look, and then eat it quite hard. She was able to get a picture of me falling though!

We stayed at a friends cabin in Truckee and a good time was had by all. There were lots of drinks made and consumed, but I believe that Demetri's Pometini (a pomegranate martini) was the most beloved.

But I would have to say that my favorite part of the weekend was building the snowman that I originally didn't want to make. Thanks to my girlfriend for dragging me out into the snow and not hitting me with too many snowballs. I named him Phil and you can see him both above and to left.

I'm also happy to say that my boycott of all things snow that began here, is happily over.

Of course, life is an ebb and flow, and after such a great weekend, there had to be something bad. This morning, upon walking out to my car, I found that one of those small triangle windows on the rear passenger side door is broken. I'm not sure if the alarm scared them off (I never even heard it) or if they just couldn't reach the lock once the window was broken, but nothing was stolen that I could see (even though there was an air pump and a bag of ski equipment nearby) so it looks like I'm just out of the cost of replacing the window.

"So comes snow after fire, and even dragons have their ending." -JRR Tolkien

Phil says "bye-bye" now

Cats.

2006-01-20T08:05:00.000-08:00

I was brushing the lint and cat hair off my sweater yesterday in front of my cat.

I swear he gave me a look that said,

"Sure, brush yourself instead of me, you selfish bastard! Why don't you go ahead and rub in the fact that you have thumbs!"

Which I do atleast weekly. (mock my cat for not have thumbs that is)

Boris... in all his wonder!

Happy Friday the 13th!

2006-01-13T13:50:00.000-08:00

And what a Friday the 13th it is! Despite all the rumors and history, I just can't hate a friday that comes before a Three-day weekend!

So Happy MLK Jr. day, I hope you all make the most of it. (perhaps by sleeping in and having a dream)

And for those of you who don't have Monday off... well, I hate my job enough to not feel bad about it!

Before I go, there is something I wanted to bring to your attention. As I often find myself with a bit of spare time and in front of a computer, I frequently visit this site and enjoy it very much. Jay does a great job of updating games, typically daily, and he usually has very good taste. It gives me something to do while the girlfriend is getting ready.

A couple of my favorites are Chasm and Grow. There are actually four versions of Grow, (Grow, Grow Cube, Grow RPG and a new Christmas Grow) with Grow Cube being my favorite, but you should check them all out.

Happy Holiday! (did you see what I did there, I took Martin Luther King right out of that holiday!)

The box revolution will not be televised!

2006-01-10T13:57:00.000-08:00

I'm watching television last night (big surprise) and there was a commercial on for some phone company. There were a bunch of people wearing boxes over their bodies, having difficulties doing everyday tasks. Their slogan was "feeling boxed in" by your current provider of something.

This got me thinking of the current oppression that boxes are facing in today's society. Ever since "think outside the box" became popular, boxes everywhere have been undervalued for their major role in society.

The history of the box is a long a tragic story. Originally invented by the Egyptians, the design was quickly scrapped except for it use in building other geometric shapes such as the pyramid, and obelisk.

It wasn't until around 500 AD that the box came back into favor. A monk named Johan Boxenhauer brought the current design back into popular use with he invention, the six-sided holder of things. As the name was very complicated, the device was not used with fervor until after his death, when it was renamed in his honor.

There have been many variations of the box over the years, the moving box, snuff box, knife box, and the simpler "work box", but it has always enjoyed fame until the last 15 years or so.

you put your snuff in there...

Though the recent phrase "think outside the box" has fueled the every increasing box hatred, leading to what some experts are dubbing "boxism", the origins of box hatred can be found throughout time. It only takes a simple Google search of "box" to pull up the first, and most maligned box, Pandora's. While some view her story as a lesson on the damages of curiosity, it is obviously the first attempt by the media to get people to hate the box. Who wouldn't hate a device that loosed all evil unto the world, while keeping hope locked away from us all.

I call for us all to remember the glory of the box. It comes in many forms and sizes, and is always ready and willing to contain our stuff. In fact, I bet any one of you readers have to look no farther than your own person to find atleast three things that have at one time been in a box.

Moving from your current crap hole you call home to your future residence "in the hills" would not be possible without a box.

Most of those items you would be packing in the aforementioned boxes, came to you in box form.

And all of those boxes came to you from overseas in large metallic boxes that are placed on ships.

The glories of the box over other shapes are many, easy stack-ability being only one.

Its shape alone is so popular that all of our homes and office structures mimic its design. How popular is the geodesic dome home design, I ask you?

...more like DON'T-decahedron...

When we are born, we are placed in a boxlike crib, and when we die, we are placed into a box before the ground. The box is the alpha and omega of our life, yet we continue to persecute it while living.

Cats everywhere enjoy their use daily, and dogs feel comforted at night by their comfy, closed in, cave-like feel.

Even the popular fast food chain Jack-in-the-box, which literally blew up Jack and his box in the early 90's, quickly learned the value of the box when sales continued to plummet. It wasn't until the return of Jack (and his box) that they made a new name for themselves.

So I encourage you in corporate America to get back to thinking "inside the box." Its four walls and sturdy bottom could be exactly the structure and stability this country is needing.

Instead of feeling that being "boxed in" is a bad thing, think about the warmth and security that box is providing you.

Some will still say "think outside" it, but I will remain a firm believer in the greatest invention since the wheel and sliced bread:

The Box!

Eastern Box Turtle: fan of the box

"I saved Latin, what did you ever do?"

2006-01-09T09:05:00.000-08:00

Well, I saved Grammies, for starters.

Last night I was over at my girlfriends apartment watching the Simpson's, getting ready for the build-up to the new Family Guy (which I missed half of, but that is neither here, nor there).

I decided to step outside for few minutes to get some fresh air. I was standing out there for a minute or two before I realized that the noises I was hearing were coming from nearby. The noises were as follows:

"Hello, there?"

"Help!"

repeated over and over. I looked over the railing down to the parking area to see, to my surprise, an older lady sprawled out on the ground as if she had fallen.

Realizing that there is no way I'll be able to explain to Danielle quickly enough what is happening, I simply close the door (to keep the kitties in) and rush down to help this lady.

I help her up, and she assures me she is fine, but she is not standing too steadily. The ramp there is pretty steep, so I offer to help her up to the street.

There was a little blood on her upper lip, as if she fell hard, so I insisted that she have a seat for awhile before she continues on.

Her answers to where she lived were rather vague, and if not for her snazzy dress, I would have assumed her homeless, but not wanting to admit it.

After a glass of water, Danielle and I offered to call someone for her, but she didn't know the number. She knew her husband's name though, and we called directory assistance for the number.

A younger sounding man, who didn't sound like her husband, answered. He spoke with her, and she handed the phone back to me, so I gave him directions to where we were. (apparently he was a nephew)

A short time later, their car pulled up, and a girl about my age (who am I kidding, she was about college age) jumps out of the car yelling, "Did you find our Grammies?"

They were very grateful, and they proceeded to help "Grammies" back to their car, and, I'm assuming, took her home and made her some cocoa.

I felt pretty good about myself for the next few hours, having saved Grammies and all, but then I got to thinking about it.

What did I do that was so great? Sure, I helped an old lady get home, but what other options did I really have?

I couldn't have pretended I didn't see her, and just go back to my Simpson's watching.

I guess I could have just walked her back up to the street, and let her go on her way, but I think she may have fallen if I had tried to let her go before sitting her down.

Maybe there are people out there who would've just tried to mug her and leave her, but I am definitely not one of those.

I didn't even really go out of my way, she was almost literally, right under my nose. I even had TiVo recording my show, so it's not like I made a great sacrifice there.

Do we really live in a society where helping out an old lady makes me feel like I deserve a medal? Or do I just have delusions of grandeur?

Granted, I still am glad that I helped another person out, but it is after all what any decent person would've done.

When it comes right down to it, I guess all that really matters is that "Grammies" is back home, safe and warm.

not this kind of Grammy

TALES OF THE FUTURE [futuristic echo]

2006-01-05T09:26:00.000-08:00

This enstallment of one of the many wonders (or horrors) of the future is entitled:

Virtual Office!

I know, it sounds scary. So settle in, and enjoy one of the few short stories I write for you people!

Jeremy wanted nothing more in the world, than to telecommute to work. His job basically consisted of sitting in his cube, staring at his monitor, inputing data.

There were some days when he had some free time at work, but was unable to do anything with it other than surf the web, and so he really wanted to work from home.

His cube was drab and dreary, he wasn't even allowed a plant. His home was bright and full of plant life, so he really wanted to work from home.

After two years of asking his managers to be able to telecommute, they finally told him that in two weeks it would all be set up.

For the next two weeks Jeremy could do nothing but daydream about how great it would be to work from home. He would be able to take his dog for a walk during lunch, do some laundry while speaking with clients, and many other things he enjoyed doing.

Friday he left work, realizing he would not have to set foot back in the building very often.

Over the weekend he received a large box in the mail, entitled "Virtual Office".

"This must be my new computer for working from home!" he said aloud to no one. He quickly opened the box, pulled out a very fancy looking laptop and some cables, and set about to getting his new workstation put together.

Monday morning, 8:00 a.m. sharp, he sat down in front of his computer, ready to begin his new life.

He turned on the computer, took a sip of his coffee, and waited. He waited for quite awhile and nothing showed up on the monitor. He hastily looked through all the instructions, and found a number to call.

"Hello, and thank you for choosing Globo-office, home of virtual office and the automatic cat box, now for dogs too, this is Jason, how can I help you?"

"Um, yeah, my name is Jeremy and I'm trying to get my virtual office to work, I have hooked everything up right, and am not seeing anything on the monitor."

"Jeremy, I can help you with that. Can I have you look in the box until you find what looks like a pair of sunglasses with a cord. I need you to plug that in to your system and place it over your head. That should correct the problem. Thanks for choosing Globo-office, have a great day. And you'd better hurry, you are late."

Jeremy searched through the box until he found something called iShades and he put them on, only to see darkness. He pressed the "on" button on his computer again, and this time found himself instantly in the lobby of his office at work.

This wasn't quite what he expected from telecommuting, but this was pretty cool. He virtually walked to the elevator, virtually pressed a button, and virtually waited for the elevator.

"Why am I waiting?" he said to no one. "This is a virtual world, I should be instantly in my office."

Out of nowhere, an old man in suit showed up and began speaking immediately, "Hello, I am not a real person. I am a program here to assist you with your virtual office use. The reason you are waiting for the elevator is that your employers wanted the virtual office experience to be more in line with your normal day. That way you don't experience to much change between the new set up. And you'd better hurry up, you are late." And the old man vanished again.

Jeremy finally made it to his desk, after narrowly avoiding some chit chat with other virtual co-workers, and sat down to begin his day.

He looked around, his cube was still the same dismal brown color, with no window and no plants.

"Why can't my virtual office at least be a large room, sitting on top of a Victoria's Falls?" he asked his virtual desk.

"Hello, I am not a real person. Because, how would co-workers get to your office. Plus, your virtual office could make others feel inferior, when they actually hold a superior position. This type of office inequality could cause strife and unwanted stress among co-workers, therefore it is not allowed." The old man stated while standing in the middle of Jeremy's monitor.

"Well, I've had it, I need some coffee!"

"Hello, I am not a real person. Unfortunately, you can only log out of your virtual office at approved lunch and break times. This is to ensure that working from home does not give you any more flexibility than working in the office would. Now get back to work," the old man said again, this time standing on Jeremy's lap.

Jeremy looked around at his virtual cube, and sighed a heavy sigh. He then straightened his virtual chair, in front of his virtual keyboard and monitor, and began his virtual day, which consisted of a lot more web surfing (virtual or otherwise) than it usually did.

Get your Worship on!

2006-01-04T15:19:00.000-08:00

Today during lunch, I'm watching Avatar:The Last Airbender; as it is a great show, and so what if its for kids and on Nickelodeon, its still good; when I see a commercial for Worship Jams.

Apparently Jock Jams and Monster Jams were such great sellers, that they decided to tone it down a notch and sell to that every growing young Christian market.

Which is fine, kids needs songs about Jesus.

What has been bothering me lately has been the new trend of making Jesus cool.

I don't think its just the idea of middle-aged people yelling out words like "X-treme" and "radical" (who even says that anymore) to kids who are secretly laughing at them. I usually enjoy that.

And I think the message that kids can still have fun and be "cool" and follow the Lord, is definately an important one.

But the more and more I think about it, I just don't think that Jesus was cool. Well, maybe he was cool in his time (you know, before anything was invented except for water, fire and the wheel) but he definately wouldn't be cool today.

In fact, if you walked Jesus into any highschool in America, I guarantee you he would be arrested. Think about it, you're a school security guard and a guy walks up, with long hair, wearing a robe and sandals, and of middle eastern descent, with no valid ID, a really weird accent and tells you he's Jesus. Are you going to believe him?

Hell, I doubt Jesus would even be able to get on an airplane with a short haircut and in a business suit. And let me tell you this, body cavity searches are not cool.

Jesus cannot skateboard, would not carry an iPod (who would need one with that heavenly choir following him aroung) and he would totally rat you out to your parents if you got home late.

Jesus is not cool!

So ok, we get it. Church can be fun.

What it cannot be is rockin', jammin' or totally x-treme.

No church I've ever been to has been fun, but I'm sure there are some of them out there. One of the things I hated most about church when I was growing up was that it was just not fun. Even when I went religiously (oh, see what I did there) it still wasn't fun. From Jr. High through high school I basically went because it was full of hot girls.

Churches need to rely more on the personal relationship between a person and God, and not try and make Jesus "that cool old guy on the street that always buys us beer". If kids want parties, excitment and activity, there are plenty of options for that out there. They need a place quiet from the hubub of the world, a place for inner contemplation, not more fodder for their already overfed ADD.

When I was younger, we didn't strive to make what we were doing "hip", we we're proud to be Christians in a secular world. The fact that we stood out from the crowd helped us feel we were making a stand, like Daniel and the lions. Making Jesus cool does not teach children why its important to love God, it just gives them something a little more honest to follow the crowd with. And if following the crowd is what we are trying to teach children, then consider that a lesson learned.

Back in the saddle...

2006-01-03T08:54:00.000-08:00

Well, the year has turned another corner, and once again I find myself standing there not holding enough bus fare

Here I am, once again, at work. Still expected to... ...well, work. For some reason, I felt the New Year would hold something much more exciting for me. But now that's its here, I'm reminded its just like last last week, except I'm going to be scratching out an incorrect year on my checks for the next few months.

Some friends from college came out to visit for New Years, and among the many water-related activities that the Bay Area offered this weekend we chose the following:

We decided to spend Friday in Napa/Sonoma county, because we wanted to see what the "most rainfall the area has seen in hundreds of years" really looked like. And, to our surprise, it was a hell of a lot of rain. It had to have been one of my most miserable trips to Napa, and that's really hard to do at a place that revolves around drinking.

Then on Saturday, tired of all the rain, we decided to stay in and watch movies. It was sunny and clear all day Saturday.

Then Sunday, it was a Texans vs. 49er's game, which was also wet. And a trip down to Haight-Ashbury and dinner.

our seats were about here

Now last night was one of my favorites. After a damp day walking around Jack London square, (are you getting the theme here) we had dinner at Yoshi's sushi restaurant, in the same area.

Yoshi's was excellent. The layout of the restaurant was incredible. The seating area had to be my favorite. You walk up a small set of stairs to sit in a section that appears to have floor only seating, but under the table you have the option to put your feet into a hole, so you can sit up properly (american-ly anyway) while still looking like a sushi aficionado.

The service was excelled only by the food, which included a very nice selection of appetizers as well as entrees. The sashimi seemed especially fresh, lacking the overly fishy taste you will get with some sushi.

After dinner we opted to stay for a Jazz show in the lounge. It was David K. Matthews, (not THE David K. Matthews) and his band. The music was entertaining, though we enjoyed the antics of the sax player, who spent more time fiddling with his reed, and getting audience members to take pictures with his camera, than actually playing the sax, more than the rest of the music.

Granted, we aren't HUGE jazz fans, and I myself know little more about it than my "Best of" Miles Davis album, but it was fun. If you decide to go to Yoshi's for a show, I definitely recommend starting with dinner, reserving your table in the lounge before you eat, and buying a drink BEFORE you enter the show.

The only downfall to the evening was the horrible service in the lounge. There was a "One drink minimum" which is always more of a challenge than a threat, but we were barely able to make that.

We ordered our drinks as we sat down, around 8:00, and did not receive them until almost an hour later. At that point, the show was already winding down, as was our buzz. Even after asking the waitress what the delay was, we still had to wait 10 more minutes.

Overall, the evening was great success, and we got home early enough for me to make it into work on time today.

Here's hoping your New Years was swell, and 2006 will be one year higher than the last!

Merry Christmas to all!

2005-12-25T18:02:00.000-08:00

And to all a good night!

Contrary to popular belief, I do celebrate Christmas!

So in honor of Jesus' Birthday (I actually sang happy birthday to Jesus while celebrating in this God-saken red state) I thought I would leave you with a quote from a great Dickens story, that I've not only acted in once, but twice! (and yes, I was Tiny Tim)

But in honor of being at my mother's house, having slo-o-o-o-o-o-ow dial up, and being the generally impatient person that I am, I have not "google"d it and am probably horribly misquoting good ol' Chuck.

Ebenezer: "You there! Boy! What day is this?"

You there: "Why, today? Its Christmas day, sir!"

(its so much more amusing when spoken aloud with a cockney accent, I'll wait while you try it at home... ...I said I'll wait!)

So I hope your season was merry and bright, and that Jesus brought you everything you wanted. (as if dying for your sins wasn't enough)

God Bless us everyone!

Happy Chrismahaunzakwanikah

2005-12-20T09:26:00.000-08:00

So I'm becoming very frustrated with people who feel that Christmas is under attack. So frustrated that I'm taking valuable time out of my day to write about it. So frustrated in fact that I will probably violate my unwritten rule to avoid cursing here as often as possible, but to quote South Park (the movie):

"What's the big fucking deal?"

I understand that this holiday is important to you. And I understand that you enjoying telling people "Merry Christmas", but no one is telling you that can't.

A few major nationwide retailers have decided to be a little more tolerant of other cultures, and a little more inclusive of other traditions by saying "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas". I'm sure that your local Mom and Pop stores will still be saying "Merry Christmas" and have it painted in their windows.

People have said "Happy Holidays" for years and it has never been a big deal. In fact, in my mind, "Happy Holidays" has always been synonymous with "Merry Christmas".

Growing up, we always had wooden Christmas cutouts in the front yard that my Dad had made for the holidays. Every year, he would make a new one, and we all enjoyed them very much (including the people who would steal a few every few years). One of these cut-outs was Garfield, sleeping in his box under a blanket and ribbon with the message "Do not open until X-mas".

One day, one of my friends and his mom came to pick me up and we had just put up our decorations. She sneered at the Garfield and said, "I don't think people should use X-mas because it takes the Christ out of Christmas." Being very religious at that age, I was crestfallen. For the longest time I felt bad that my family was a bunch of pagans and we were all going to suffer in the burning lakes of sulphur!

Of course, I have since come to learn that the X is often used, as it is the greek letter for Chi, and the first letter in greek of Christ. So we were, in fact, including Christ in our X-mas display.

I tell this story because I feel that it illustrates that often, when people get upset over semantics, they are quite wrong in what they believe.

For instance, did you know that the word holiday comes from the Old English word, Halig Daeg, which means Holy Day. Isn't that indeed what Christians are fighting for, a recognition of a holy day? So once again, I ask:

"What's the big fucking deal?"

Of course, if religious freedom, racial tolerance, and etymology are not your bag, then there is always another option:

Since all the "unrighteous" are "stealing your holiday", why don't you steal one from the unrighteous! They have been celebrating that Halloween thing a little too freely, don't you think!

I propose that we begin celebrating Jesus' baptism on October 31st. That's right, some biblical scholars somewhere, who coincidentally haven't been taking their medication, have somehow determined that Jesus was baptised by John the Baptist (isn't that coincidental) on October 31st.

And, as an added bonus, since John the Baptist was beheaded, you can say that Jack-o-lanterns are a reminder of his commitment to God.

We can call it Halloweaster, or maybe Baptisteen. Once this is completed, Christianity will have successfully stolen all pagan holidays, and made them their own.

So lets all pray for a day when Christians everywhere are free to celebrate their holidays in the privacy of their own homes, without fear of persecution by the government. Where you can go into any store, anywhere in the country and find atleat 85 things that bear the greeting "Merry Christmas". Where their Church's can be publically known, and where you have to swear on their Holy book when in a government court. When their holidays, become National Holidays, and we all get a day off of work!

Oh, how I long for the day when people can freely admit they are a Christian, and no longer have to live in fear of being eaten by lions!

So I wish you all Happy Holidays! (which includes Christmas, Kwanza, Chaunakah, Ramadan (even though I think that was in the summer this year) and of course, a happy New Year!)

The Holidays are vnder attack!

2005-12-19T09:11:00.000-08:00

I jvst wanted to take a moment and step ovtside my vsval levity to talk abovt a very seriovs svbject.

One of ovr most treasvred holidays is vnder attack!

The December 25th celebration of Natalis Solis Invicti, (or the Birth of the Vnconqverable Svn, which also coincides with the winter solstice celebration) is under threat from ovtside sovrces.

As most of yov know, the Roman Empire has long celebrated this most holy of days. This is the day when all slaves are freed, and many masters act as slaves in their own hovseholds. We also often exchange gifts with each ovr loved ones, and we vsvally get some time off of work as well.

Well, a certain grovp of people (we'll call them "aggressors against the homeland") are out to destroy ovr most favoured of holidays!

They vsvally celebrate their religion on Janvary 6th. It has long been the norm that, that is their holiday.

Bvt now they are threatening ovr very being, and trying to assimilate vs all by moving their holiday to December the 25th. Coincidentally enovgh, the same day as ovrs.

Many of the stricter adherants of their religion are banning the celebration of this holiday they are refering to as Christ's Mass, due to the so called "pagan" associations with this date. [and many did so until the 1800's -ed. note] There are many other followers of this religion in other regions, and they still maintain their holidays on the original date. This is a direct attack vpon everthing we hold dear!

So I encourage yov all to enjoy the Solis celebrations this year. If we do not make a stand, this may be ovr last.

Signed,

Paranoidvs Maximvs
379 AD

If this were a truly perfect world...

2005-12-14T10:42:00.000-08:00

...It would be me on that horse...

...and that dog would be wearing a yoda costume...

...and perhaps some sort of visor for the horse...

...it would probably look something like this:

or maybe this:

Original picture was found here.

You should all be ashamed of yourselves!

2005-12-14T09:00:00.000-08:00

So, there has been a definite lack of updating among the circle of blogs that I read, and I must say, I'm thoroughly disappointed! (I'm also disappointed that "blog" is not recognized by the spellcheck provided by BLOGger that is on my BLOG!) How am I supposed to successfully avoid work without anything to read. Guess I'll just have to go back to reading the news or something.

Then, as my anger subsided, I realized that for many of you, this is finals week, and things are probably fairly busy for you. So good luck to those of you collegiately minded. And post soon. You are missed.

On another note, one of the bloggers that I read has invited me to a Christmas party this Friday. I'm a little apprehensive, as this will be the first time I have ever gone to party not knowing anyone at all that will be there, except by online pictures and their own writings about themselves.

I'm almost positive it will be fun, and I'm always complaining about how I don't know many people out here, so it will be good for me.

I'm sure it will end up like most parties I've been to. I'll be shy and quiet for the first half hour, then after a couple of drinks I'll be talking to everyone who is unlucky enough to cross my path. And I'll end up with my girlfriend dragging me out amidst the broken punch bowl and being driven home.

So thanks again for the invite, and you might want to use your non-favorite punch bowl.

I know I should be ashamed of myself!

2005-12-12T08:40:00.000-08:00

But come on, just look at him! And it was clearance at Petco so it only cost $5.00. How can you resist a Star Wars Yoda costume for your dog for only $5.00?!?

Lick you, he will, yesss, mmm!

Friday Musing...

2005-12-09T15:52:00.000-08:00

...about how much different life would be if dolphins could live on land.

Think about it, instead of swimming with dolphins for your health, you would be dancing with dolphins.

You could get one as a butler, and he would wake you every morning with those delightful dolphin shrieks.

You know, I really enjoy the word shrieks, I think just looking at it gives you a good idea of exactly what kind of scream that is.

Have a great weekend!

Happy Birthday Danielle

2005-12-08T10:11:00.000-08:00

**today's post is directed mainly at one person, feel free to read it, just realize, I'm not talking to you (unless its you )**

Happy Birthday dear, I hope your day is going well!

We've known each other for almost a year now, and I still haven't tired of you! You continue to delight me on a daily basis, and you never fail to make me laugh when I need it.

You put up with my mischievousness, and my horrible wit. You think I'm sexy (which I will never understand) and you believe in me!

I feel like it is my birthday, everyday I'm with you. (oh yeah, thanks for putting up with me when I'm overly cheesy as well) And I hope to make your day, today, the best birthday you've ever had.

This year has brought a lot your way, and you have handled it all. Here's to your twenty-third year (that first one didn't really count) on this planet being just as exciting!

Happy Birthday!

Because its healthy to annoy one's fanbase.

2005-12-07T16:20:00.000-08:00

In an effort to throughly make your life a little more complicated. I have updated the picture on my menu bar once again. This should make it even more difficult for you to read the content.

But I have faith that you will be able to decipher it all with the new font color!

This picture was taken by Danielle while we were up in Napa at the Coppolla-Niebaum winery.

It was such a nice day!

Currently contemplating quiting my job without having another one lined up. Comments?!?

Presenting Ezekiel Jonas Brown

2005-12-06T14:30:00.000-08:00

In all his glory

Wanted: One comb (for me) for Christmas!

Disclaimer: This is not my cat. I'm am not allowed to assume any claim on this cat, now, or in the future. Ezekiel Jonas Brown is solely the property of one Danielle, and my rights end at feeding and litter box disposal. If you would like to learn more about Zeke's history, you can read that here.

I'm burgeoing all over the place... (so you'd better get this party started!)

2005-12-05T15:59:00.000-08:00

My friend Beau (who is fond of big words) has a list on links on his site to his friends pages. They are all described as burgeoning artists, or playwrights, or bands.

His description of me is:

my buddy, burgeoning Tim.

That's right bitches, I'm working hard on being Tim, and by gum, I'm gonna be the best Tim I can be, and mostly likely the best Tim you'll ever know! Years from know you can look back and say "I knew him when he was only Timmy".

Thanks Beau, for summing me up so aptly. (and thanks for having a name with three vowels and one consonant, get a real name you french bastard! (whom is neither French, nor born out of wedlock))!

It's that time again...

2005-12-01T11:06:00.000-08:00

So this morning after waking up, I noticed a few unusual things. Now, I'm not at my best upon immediately waking up, so it took me a while to put things together.

First off, the dogs were unusually quick in handling their morning "routine" and came running back in as soon as business was done.

Then, I noticed a lack of visibility on the freeway, and other drivers being particularly slow and brake even more unneccesarily.

Follow that up with the underground parking being more than usually full and it all came together.

Its the rainy season. The time of year when Northern Californian's are reminded that plants can be watered other ways than just out of the hose.

Its funny, just last week danielle and I were discussing how much we missed the rain, and how nice it was that it rained while we we're in Texas.

Now here we are two days into the rainy season, and already I'm missing the sun.

Don't get me wrong, I'm more than happy that its raining, its great for the re-sodding I'm doing in my backyard, and its three months where I don't have to water.

But I had forgotten all the other problems that come along with rain. (like dog prints all over the kitchen floor)

Also, rain was much more enjoyable when I worked as a lifeguard or in that tennis shop. Back then, rain meant work was cancelled, and sleeping in ensued.

Now it just means dealing with more traffic and cleaning dog paws!

***Update*** It just thundered and if you listened quietly, you could hear the others in the building collectively peeing their pants! (their own pants Ryan!) I've never seen such a large group of people get so astonished by such simple act of nature. Of course, these are the same people that will continue putting on their eyeliner during an earthquake, and then ask you if someone just farted.

"I think fish is nice, but then I think that rain is wet, so who am I to judge? " -Douglas Adams

There and back again (with apologies to J.R.R.)

2005-11-29T09:27:00.000-08:00

There I was, enjoying a fine fall evening on my front porch, enjoying a bit of the old pipe weed, when unexpectedly a quite bothersome spirit arrived to change my plans.

You see the Harvest Feast was arriving quite soon, and I was looking forward to plenty of lounging around and four days without labor. This spirit (we'll just call her Danielle) told me of an unexpected journey to search for treasure (or turkey) in a land far away. I laughed her off at first, sure that nothing would move me from my warm hobbit hole.

I brought up all the reasons I couldn't possibly make this journey, obligations, commitments, feeding schedules, but miraculously, all obstacles were overcome. The journey began on a Wednesday, as all magical journeys usually don't, and we took lodgings in a Courtyard near our departure area for the next day. Though we thought we might've been LOST for a while, we found our way again by the next morning. Then, on the day of the feast itself, I found myself upon one of the majestic flying eagles and arrived in the land of Family Evermore!

It was an unexpected party, to say the least, and there ended up being 13 of them, (if you include the dog, cat, and bearded dragon), myself making lucky number 14. The feast was mighty, the food all around, and as soon as it was done, the cleaning was completed like magic, without me having to raise a hand.

her name was Chico...

But the journey was far from over. There were other family members to eat with and even more traveling to be done, but this time in a giant diesel truck (or, I don't know, Clydesdale? I'm kind of running out of allegory here), the likes of which would make even the thunder god quake.

We saw the ruins of many once grand castles, many damaged by a mighty dragon named Rita.

Four days into this fantastic tale, it was time to begin the journey home. We bundled up our newfound treasure (ok, ok, a new set of pots and pans, a bottle of wine, some lemons, and a tablecloth... a tablecloth of magic!!!! .... ok, ok, just a regular tablecloth) and began the treacherous journey home, once again aback a mighty eagle!

This eagle wasn't quite as punctual as the previous one and this tale of wonder ended in naught but woe.

Upon arriving much later than expected, and finding that [BART] wasn't still running, we had to make alternate transportation plans, as did 90% of the others there. We waited in the cold rain and wind, only to have our loot spill out upon the ground. (The bag broke) Half an hour later, it was finally our turn to get a cab which was luckily staffed by a very friendly driver. He made the cold and wet seem not quite as bad, and the costly ride (Oakland Airport to Lafayette) seem almost worth it.

Overall, the weekend was full of adventure, excitement, and, yes, I'll admit it, fun. I enjoyed being able to see all of my family, and was glad to get meeting hers out of the way.

But we've already decided, next year, we are staying at home!

For those of you non-scifi-fantasy fans, I'm sure you will be able to find a more understandable chain of events here fairly soon (if not already).

Randomly enough, I did see the most misnamed place I've ever run across somewhere on my way through Houston. "The Hobbit Hole - Sports Bar"

I'm not sure about you, but most people I know who would know what a hobbit hole is, aren't the type to frequent sports bars.

"We hobbits are plain, quiet creatures. Adventures make one late for dinner." -Bilbo Baggins The Hobbit

I just peed a little!

2005-11-22T09:48:00.000-08:00

This is by far the best waste of time I've ever seen!

Check it out here !

Timmy Want!

2005-11-18T13:36:00.000-08:00

There's just something about it that makes me drool uncontrollably!

Shelley the Snail

2005-11-17T16:35:00.000-08:00

Remember back in English class during high school, when the teacher would give you fifteen minutes to write in your journal about anything you wanted? Well, today I chose to write about snails, and fast ones, I hope you enjoy!

There once was snail named Shelley. Now she didn't get along at all with any of the other snails, because she was very, very fast. Well, not fast when compared to a car, or a bullet train, or even a turtle, but fast for a snail.

All of the other snails would make fun of her because of her speed.

Her schoolmates would call her Speedy, and Zippy, in very mean ways.

Old man snails would come out on the front porch as she sailed by and yell out, "Slow down! You maniac!"

But Shelley couldn't help it, she was just a fast snail. She had always been a fast snail, she was even born early.

One day Shelley decided that she was tired of all the ridicule, so she packed up some clothes, and some food, and decided to set out upon the world.

Her first two days were very uneventful. She saw a nice pond one day, and decided to stop there for a bit and munch on some grass. But then a group of rough looking slugs showed up, and she decided it was time to be on her way.

During the middle of the second day, Shelley stopped off near a large wooden porch. Unbeknownst to her, this porch was the very beginning of a large house, which was owned by the same people who owned the property she lived on. (In fact, she had only actually traveled about 30 feet during her two day journey. )

She decided to rest for awhile in the shade, where there was a nice sized drop of water for her to sip on.

While lounging about she her a loud booming voice coming from the porch.

"James, those snails have gotten into my plants again, and this time I think they are going to kill them. We have got to do something about them."

"Martha," Jim said, "I am already on top of things, I ordered some snail killer, and it will be here early next week. So in five days time, all of your snail problems will be gone!"

Shelley was appalled! She was scared and frightened, and she cried for quite a good time.

But then she realized that she had to help out her old community, and using all the speed she possessed, she hauled shell back to her home.

What was a two day trip originally, only took her one day to complete.

She quickly raised the alarm to her community, telling them to hurry and pack their things, they had to move on, and quick.

Well, the oldsters didn't believe her, and just thought she wanted them to rush around like she always did. Her classmates refused to leave all of their toys and possessions, thinking Shelley was trying to get them out of town so she could play with them herself.

At first, even her family didn't believe her, but as she was always such a good girl, they finally relented and agreed to leave the village with her.

Four days, and 25 feet later (her family was not as quick as her) Shelley's family found a nice hollow at the base of a tree which they could call their new home.

It was about sunset that night when they heard the first screams from the their old village.

It seems that Farmer James had received his snail poison, and it was very painful.

As Shelley's former village writhed in pain and agony, the secretly regretted taunting Shelley for all of those years, and for not listening when they tried to warn her.

Shelley was a speedy snail

You'll never believe...

2005-11-16T08:41:00.000-08:00

So yesterday, as I'm sitting at my hum-drum job, being bored beyond belief, while waiting on hold, my cell phone rings.

I recognize a local area code, so I go ahead an answer it, thinking its one of my friends, (hey, I have a few). But no, its Joelle calling me with some great news.

She quickly reminds me that there was an alternate transportation fair here about a month ago, and there was a bike giveaway that I entered.

Let me stop a moment here to tell you my recent experience with giveaways. A few months before that, I entered in to win a Hummer, and got a call to buy a timeshare instead. Then I decided to enter for a free trip to Hawaii, but was offered to buy a timeshare once again. Every now and then I will win a free lunch from putting my card in a fishbowl, but then I get a meeting with Financial Advisor who wants to make me money.

So, as she is relating to me that I entered this bike contest, I blurt out in disbelief, "I won a bike?". "Yes!" she says. I have indeed won a bike! She will be by with the invoice on Thursday, and I will go and pick up my bike. The thing is, I thought I was registering for the Segway that was sitting next to the drawing table.

wouldn't have known what to do with one, anyway

I'm really excited, I haven't gotten a new bike since I was about 10, and I've been thinking lately how nice it would be to have a bike to "zip" around town on. I'm not sure of the exact specifications of the bike, but from what I remember it was a pretty nice one. But if I don't like the one that Joelle picks out, I can always pay the difference for something better.

I wonder if I can teach my monkey to hump parrots...

Oh yeah, I also found out that I won a free seat cushion from my actual employer (the bike was from the company that gave the transpofair). Which isn't nearly as exciting as the bike!

woo

"Bicycle bicycle bicycle
I want to ride my bicycle bicycle bicycle
I want to ride my bicycle
I want to ride my bike
I want to ride my bicycle
I want to ride it where I like." -Queen

The Future is Now!

2005-11-09T09:28:00.000-08:00

So today is the day that everything I've ever wanted in my life is going to happen! The world just seems a brighter, better place!

Everywhere I look, I am reminded. The smile on a young child's face, the birds, singing their songs, the cars whizzing by on the expressway.

Today is the day that all of my dreams come true!

"What is it Tim?" you anxiously ask!

"It is this!" I prophetically respond.

And as I show it to you, you all gape in wonder!

It's like Nirvana in a faucet!

If you are looking for something to buy for me for Christmas, search no longer! Your hunt ends here!

I would get up in the middle of the night to wash my hands, just so I can see how cool it is!

I envision the day where children will not be able to imagine what life would be like without illuminated faucets!

Unfortunately, like all things that would make your life better (cure for cancer for instance) the faucet light is currently on back order. Just when I thought I had it made...

Pumpkins!

2005-11-08T15:57:00.000-08:00

So... I know its a little late... but here you go anyway!

Danielle and I made pumpkins a couple of weeks ago, and here they are.
Her's is scared, and mine is an evil cat.
Enjoy

In the light of day...

In the Scare of Night (oooooooh)

The dogs! They're smart and crafty!

2005-11-08T09:04:00.000-08:00

Of the many things I didn't do this weekend, one of the things I did was re-seed for sod a part of my backyard. I fenced it off from the three dogs, and diligently brought metal to soil and tilled a good part of the yard. I rended weed from soil in a hand- and back-achingly way, I painstakingly spread seed evenly over the lawn and proceeded to "roll" it all, and I agonizingly watered it all down. All in all, it wasn't really that bad, it only took about an hour or two, and I was pretty satisfied with a job well done!

My roommate has a couple of fence panels you can use to make a small pen for your dog, so I stretched them out to make a fence to keep the dogs from pooping and trooping through this part of the lawn. This is where the epic struggle begins.

It started Saturday night as I was sitting out enjoying a beer in the fenced off area and enjoying the dogs being fenced out. Without so much as a rattle of the fence, suddenly I find my dog roaming around near me, smelling things, pooping, the usual.

Now, everytime I turn around I'm either picking the fence back up, or dragging a lab, rotweiler or border collie out of there.

Now they have learned to work together though. Last night while I was putting the fence back up, after it was knocked over for the second time, Bandit was silently inside making quick work of the tray of fresh brownies on the counter.

Then, while I was getting Terra out of the fenced area, Digory and Bandit were sifting through the remains of the trash!

They are crafty, but I will prevail!

It may be an uphill battle, but as long as I put up the good fight, in the spring I will have a nice section of lawn thickly carpeted with Fescue!

Moon over my Hammy!

2005-11-02T10:16:00.000-08:00

Not only is that my favorite meal at Denny's, its also the title for today's blog.

So apparently a large Klan (when its with a "k" you know which one I'm talking about) rally is going to happen this Saturday, Nov. 5th in Austin, Texas. They are having a pro-family rally encouraging voters to vote for a law limiting marriage to between a man and a woman... or something. And I encourage all of you in the area to go out to this rally...

...to moon the klan. That's right, apparently this is not he first time, and hopefully not the last, that a large group of Texan's bands together to show the clan their ass.

Full details are here:

So get your ass in front of a mirror, and learn to write legibly on it, and then get out there and show those racists what their acting like!

Hope you had a good Halloween!

I Love America...

2005-10-31T15:26:00.000-08:00

So we have an opportunity to slow the spread of a virus that not only effects 1-4 people, but can also cause cancer and death to some that contract it.

But, if we do this, teenagers, who are already having sex (oral or otherwise) may feel more safe while having sex.

Full article here:

I find it rather sad that the abstinence only crowd has to rely on the threat of STD's to keep kids from having sex. That's like using Hell as a threat to pack the pews on Sunday! When will "they" learn that fear will only keep [the local systems] in line for so long. Eventually the revolt of truth, and accurate information will lose your battle for you (not your intimidating Death Star).

I remember when I was a teen, it was the threat of babies alone that kept my proverbial rocket in my proverbial pocket! When did we stop relying on the threat of babies to keep kids out of sex. There were many afterschool specials where sad little Mandy couldn't go out to play with her friends because she had to stay home with her infant. Have they forgotten the power of the dirty diper?

This is kind of like that magic button, but in reverse. You know the magic button right? If you push it, you get everything you've ever wanted, but somewhere in the world someone you've never met dies. Do you push it?

So for those people wanting to keep kids out of the backseat of cars, HPV is that magic button. We could get rid of it and save the lives of 3700 women a year, or we could keep it and teenagers will magically stop having sex.

"Who are these people?!?" -Jerry Seinfeld

I'm Old!

2005-10-26T08:32:00.000-07:00

So I'm back from a great weekend, still exhausted, but back.

Lately my literary muse has departed me, and I'm not sure why. It could be that I'm just tired and not "feeling it." It could be that this week I find out whether or not I keep my job, or get laid off. (So by Monday, I will either find myself with an abundance of free time, or unsatisfactorily employed. Here's hoping!) It may also be that I didn't win the lottery last night.

So this last weekend I went back to Texas for my University's Homecoming, and my five year reunion (getting so old!). It was a blast. I got to see a lot of my friends that I haven't seen since graduation and a lot that I saw only a few months ago. To give you an idea of the randomness of the weekend I will simply give you words or phrases and let you use your imagination:

alcohol,
Iron Chef,
alcohol,
girlfriend's family,
alcohol,
my mom and her boyfriend,
alcohol,
ramen and a three man slingshot,
random pledges,
driving a new Volvo that wasn't mine,
alcohol,
loud shrieking girls catching me by surprise,
Vegan's,
alcohol,
a cook book editor from Oakland,
alcohol,
accidently dicthing ex-girlfriends,
and alcohol!

Homecoming in Highschool

Homecoming in College... see the difference?

Hope your weekend was as nice! This weekend involves a Weezer and Foo Fighters concert, Napa with college friends, and the opening of the DeYoung museum in Golden Gate Park, so I probably won't get much more sleep!

(on a side note, spell check doesn't recognize Vegan as a word and suggested vagina as a replacement)

Rapture-tastic!

2005-10-20T09:22:00.000-07:00

So I recently found this site that tracks the Rapture and assigns a number based on how close we are. Bad news though, we are at the highest number since the site started tracking it!

Say your prayers here !

I find it interesting that unemployment, inflation rates, and oil supply/price are all part of God's big plan! Who knew that my friend being out of job is leading us to the apocalypse? That lazy bastard better start looking for a job!

So if you need a quick laugh, check it out!

Best Quote I've heard all year...

2005-10-19T14:52:00.000-07:00

"The only difference between Man and God is that while Man is paid hourly, God is salaried!" -some girl at work

We shall plant the hydrangea... there!

2005-10-17T11:57:00.000-07:00

Since my job and I are not really on speaking terms, I often think about what I should be doing that's not this. My "future job" changes from month to month, sometimes week to week.

My current favorite is fairly new to the rotation, but the more I think about it, the more I start to like it.

My next profession shall be.... Landscape Architect. I've always liked landscaping, I've always liked architecture, it seems like the two should go hand in hand!

So I looked into, its a three year program for schlubs like me who don't have an undergrad degree in anything bearing any type of resemblence to design.

One school I looked at requires a "Exhibit of Professional and Creative Work" which was the most exciting thing on the admission requirements page. If I started now, it would be a bit of a rush to get my stuff in by the deadline, but I think it could be done.

Perhaps my recent interest stems from my creative works this weekend. Working with the right side of my brain always makes me want to use it more!

So we'll see if this pans out, or ends up in my "box of broken dreams" along with my skateboard, basketball, and undergrad diploma.

If anyone out there reading this happens to be a landscape architect, or know someone who is, or is going to school for something similar, any advice would be greatly appreciated. (because its all about the networking)

Staging!

2005-10-14T10:22:00.000-07:00

Another Friday and another few hours till the weekend. Five days of working and all you get is two days off, definitely not enough.

So one of my friends decided on Wednesday that they would sell their house... this weekend. As many of my friends do, they bought a house that was a bit of a fixer-upper, and like many of my friends they had kind of slacked off, thinking that things could always get done "tomorrow".

Well, yesterday was "tomorrow" and things got kicked into high gear. We all forwent our weekly happy hour and headed over to his house to get some work done.

They had a "stager" come in to help them get their house more "sellable". This included making places where you can "linger", removing about half the furniture, removing all but about 3 books per shelf, and cramming all this stuff into the garage.

Many jokes about bowls of pomegranates (round things make houses sell) later, we had put a sizable dent in getting the house ready. Crown molding was installed post haste, pictures of the happy couple were removed from walls and shelves (it makes the buyer less likely to bond with the house if they see you), walls were painted different colors, and the backyard was transformed from dismal to exciting... ...and all within a few hours!

just screams "buy me"

We all enjoyed some adult libations and college slop (beer and pizza) and I ended up with a pair of new (to me) speakers.

...and I like to think that we all learned a little bit more about staging.

And though I stayed up later than I have all week, and eventhough I worked my ass of lifting, moving and packing, I feel better than I have all week. There's just something about good honest work with your hands!

Have a great weekend.

Duped Again!

2005-10-12T13:00:00.000-07:00

So most of you who know me, know my passion for video games. Hell, even if you don't actually know me, but only read about me, know my passion.

Well, today, during lunch, I visited one of my favorite web-based game sites to skulk around and see if there is anything new, or anything I haven't played yet. I found a couple that I found amusing and then saw one titled, "Adventures of Jack" which looked to be ok. So I click on it and begin to play. At first it appears to be about some guy who is trying to score some blow, and that is the point of the game. So, I'm thinking, pretty lame premise, probably some cokehead game designer, but I'll see how it turns out. But then I thought, and this should've tipped me off, Cokehead's don't play video games, Stoner's play video games, so who came up with this crappy premise for a game.

Well, after clicking on the cop and the old lady, only to discover there were in fact, not, drug dealers, I proceeded to click on the pimp looking fellow with a wad of cash in his hand. When asked if he is a dealer, he responds that of course he is. He then proceeds to sell you the "white stuff" though he never takes money from you, and you are now at home with 3 piles of coke in front of you, labeled, small dose, normal dose, and overdose! If only it were that easy in real life then so many more of our musically inclined rock gods would be touring at 70. So depending on the three different scenarios you choose, you die in 3 different ways. Apparently this is all a anti-drug commercial, disguised as a crappy game that most children won't ever play.

The good part was that it wasn't as long as the stealthy Christian game I played a few weeks ago, but it is annoying all the same. Here I am, looking for a little mindless fun, and I get told not to do coke, as I will die instantly after.

My bigger problems with the game involve the fact that adults cannot ever accurately portray drug use, dealers, or the users.

If all I ever learned about coke was from this game, I would know the following:

-All drug dealers dress like pimps
-Walking up to random people on the street and asking for drugs is the best way to get them
-Cops and old ladies typically don't sell drugs.
-Drugs are free, dealers will just hand it out to you (usually two feet away from cops)
-Only slackers who wear their hats backward, dress like a freak, and already look stoned use drugs
-Its very possible a dealer will sell you flour or washing powder instead
-Flour will make a sandwich come out of your nose, but washing powder will kill you!
-Using only a small amount drugs will just annoy you, so make sure you use a lot!
-Using drugs will get you killed in a drive-by, by the Japanese Yakusa's
-Drugs are conviently labeled in overdose capacities
-Asking a cop if he's a dealer (always a good idea) will get you beat and arrested

My problems with games like this are that they create an extreme unrealistic impression of what actual drug use is like. When children get out into the real world and have contact with it for the first time, they realize that everything they were told up until then about drugs has been a lie! If they were lied to about furry coated pimps, why wouldn't they have been lied to about the actual harmful effects of the drug. "Adults drink alcohol after they tell us its bad for us, maybe this is just another lie so they can have more coke for themselves."

Scaring children with incorrect information will only work for so long.

How about a realistic game, where your friend is the one using and trying to get you to. Or perhaps your best friend is the dealer. Maybe your uncle is doing coke off a stripper's ass as you accidently walk into the living room {awkward}. Rather than have a kid get shot up by the mafia, perhaps have his girlfriend get into his stash and OD at a party. You know, realistic things that actually happen. (Well, they happen on the O.C., anyway!)

So, if you haven't done so already, check out the Adventures of Jack, it'll only take about 3 minutes.

I knew I should've just stuck to Beaver Dive (not making that up) , its much more fun anyway!

And for no apparent reason...

2005-10-11T12:22:00.000-07:00

...here's a picture of me on a large fiberglass cow:

She likes to be ridden while she's milked...

Sam and Max...

2005-10-10T15:32:00.000-07:00

So if you are wondering as to my lack of posting, the answer is two-fold:

1) I am actually busy lately at work and haven't even had the time during my lunch break to blog, and my connection at home sucks!

2) I have finished "The Dig" but am now wrapped up in "Sam and Max: Hit the Road"

I hope to be rejoining the real (and not quite as witty) world very soon.

In the meantime, feel free to submit me a question to my other page.

The Dig

2005-10-06T16:32:00.000-07:00

So I recently purchased some classic LucasArts games and have been wrapped up in The Dig for the last couple of days.

screenshot from The Dig

It really takes me back to my college days when I first got a computer. When I first played it I assumed the pixelated graphics were due to my crappy computer. I have recently discovered, that that is actually how the game is. But that's ok, its a really great game.

I had forgotten how enjoyable games that don't involve constant killing or explosions, can be. Its a simple puzzle game that utilizes a point and click interface.

I really wish there were current games that were this fun.

Wednesday is trash day!

2005-10-05T09:42:00.000-07:00

...and I forgot to take it to the curb! Dammit!

Of garage sales, missed dreams, and random parties!

2005-10-03T16:33:00.000-07:00

So as opposed to my usual weekends of sitting on my ass and watching TV (which is always my favorite) someone decided to drag me out of the house and make me do stuff!

We started with swapmeet at an old drive-in movie theater, which is always fun. I love looking at other people's crap and seeing how much they want for it. We also stopped at many garage sales on the way home from there. More "other people's crap", more haggling!

Among the many things we picked up this weekend we found:

A hanging plant macrame holder
An Admiral Ackbar, Return of the Jedi, action figure
A five pack of Tube of Balloons
A VCR for $5 (with remote)
The two good Indiana Jones movies (if you have to ask... don't!)
A large camel Beanie Baby as it reminds her of my dumb ass
Two Jade trees in pots
A framed picture of three flowers (or a frame with three pictures of flowers)
A book of 365 questions for couples (we are so damned cheesy)
and a bonsai pot from Goodwill

We passed on many many other items, but the one of note was the box of 80's Playboy's, his wife was finally making him get rid of. But I think I've finally reached the age where having a large box of nudie mags is just not appropriate.

And yes, now I've finally done it, my blog has succumbed to a boring list of things. Apologies to all for the brain farts, but my girlfriend bought Tivo this weekend and all I can really think about is fast forwarding commercials!

We also made a trek up to Napa this weekend on Sunday to check out some timeshare presentation and recieve free hotel accomodations in Hawaii for five days, four nights. Yes, I know this is always a scam, and yes I know that I shouldn't have agreed to it in the first place, but I had nothing else to do so thought it a good idea. But we never even got to the presentation. Even though our combined income was above the range they were looking for, because we didn't live together, we weren't eligible for their sales pitch! The only time I've ever been punished for not "living in Sin!"

So instead we went to one of our favorite stops in Sonoma Valley, Domaine Carneros, had some champagne, ate some cheese, bought a bottle of champagne, and proceeded to have a better time than we would have touring the "cottages" that were actually just glorified single wides!

And on Saturday night we went to a lovely party in Berkeley where I not only drank more than I should have, talked about blogging more than is really healthy, but also had a random conversation about adolescent abstinence from a non-religious perspective (oh yeah, I also told "the camel joke"). One of the last things I remember as Danielle dragged me out the door, was yelling out my blog address to some random guy who's name was Dan, but I called Doug.

So if you were there, and now you are here, please leave a comment so I will know the effectiveness of my drunken ramblings.

"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools." -Ernest Hemingway

The Camel Joke

2005-09-30T09:46:00.000-07:00

So posting the picture of the camel yesterday reminded me of my favorite joke I've ever heard!

First though, we shall have some backstory, to help things along.

Way back in fourth grade I did a report on camels. Of the many things I learned about camels from the one Zoobooks magazine and the one Ranger Rick that I read, I have only retained three things.

1)Camels do not actually store water in their hump.

2)There are two types of camels, the one-humped camel is known as a Dromedary, the two humped variety is known as a Bactrian.

3)They spit.

So way back in the day when I was a freshmen in college I met some friends in Austin at a club on "the drag" called Metro. We went to see a group called Only Ninety Percent Effective, which was an improv group. They were quite funny, and had a game called,' A priest, A rabbi and a..." where someone in the audience would yell out a word and they would include that in joke. This created one of the funniest jokes I have ever heard, which no one else enjoys!

So, without further ado, "The camel joke":

A priest, a rabbi and a camel walk into a bar. The priest goes up to the bar, orders a drink, takes it back.

The rabbit goes up to the bar, orders a drink, takes it back.

The camel, comes staggering into the bar, walks determinedly up to the bar, and says loudly, "Bar-tender! Give me some milk!" The bartender looks at him, pours him a glass of milk, and says, "Here's your milk buddy, but what's with the attitude?"

The camel boldy replies, "Its Drama-dairy!"

I was the only one in the club laughing, laughing so hard, in fact, that everyone turned and looked at me!

If you would like to learn more about camels, be sure to check out your local library or click here:

Camel-tastic!

or learn about when these "Great Ships of the Desert" roamed the West Texas country side here:

Camels in Texas?!?

Getting Dooced!

2005-09-29T14:31:00.000-07:00

So one of the employees at the clinic where my roommate works was recently let go due to her blogging about her work place. She had been posting bad things about her workplace and fellow employees on her blog, as well as telling other employees about her blog, and was unjustly upset when they let her go.

So my roommate asked me what my thoughts, as a blogger, were on the subject. I, in no uncertain terms, told her that I thought it was totally justified that she be fired. Everyone knows that it is rule number one not to blog about about your workplace and not expect to face repercussions if you do, and get caught. There have been numerous cases of workers being fired for this, and plastered on walls all across the blogosphere is the phrase, in big flashing letters:

"Thou shalt not blog about work, without prior approval from management, and possibly not even then, I mean, really its your job, isn't paying bills more important than your idle ramblings, I mean, come on!"

No one have ever credited bloggers with being succint.

Granted, years ago, when blogging was as unheard of as time-traveling washing machines, no expected to get fired for their online journal. In fact, they probably weren't even sure anyone was reading their posts except for family and friends anyway.

The reason we have our Dooce's and our flight attendant who got fired for blogging on crappy customers is to be an object lesson for the rest of us. They are the Jonah's and the Lot's of the blogworld, there to let the rest of us know what not to do!

Let those who do not heed their example be cast out into the wilderness where there will be crying, and anguish and the ever dreaded gnashing of the teeth!

Just you and the camel... gnashing!

****As a sidenote, I find it very amusing that the spellcheck provided by blogger does not know the words, blog or blogger.*****