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Thursday, December 16, 2004How not to pick up girls (or How to get your Car stolen)
Ok, so this happened quite a while ago, but everyone just seems to love the story so I felt I should post it so the world could laugh with me... or at me... you decide. I guess it depends on whether or not I'm laughing... which I am... or was... or something.
1st BAR (Sobriety level: low)
So I hanging out at bar with some co-workers after work and happen to notice this rowdy group of cute girls a couple of tables over. Well, obviously I was drunk at this point or there is no way I would've gone over to talk to them. They seemed to be vigorously enjoying their libations as well and I ended up sitting with them and talking. Turns out Liz had just graduated college and they were all out celebrating. There were four of them Liz, a girl who insisted her name was Penelope, and two others who I don't seem to recall. I quickly managed to impress the two I don't remember with my humor, and piss off Liz by quickly stereotyping her as a rich daddy's girl who will only make HER world a better place. Well, through the course of the evening many different ideas were discussed, one of which was going to the City (San Francisco is always just "the City") and luckily just as many were rejected. So Liz is finally fed up with the whole affair and asks if I can give them a ride home. I, of course, am very amenable to this idea and Liz, "Penelope" and I head off the car. Once we load up "Penelope" and I begin to make out, as one naturally does. Liz gets impatient and we take off. Now they are hungry so we head for the local "only when drunk" pizza place and it, of course, is closed. So while deciding what we should do, "Penelope" and I begin making out again at which point she decidely declared, and I quote, "I want to lick your penis!" I almost laughed, but didn't. Not because of what she wanted to do, but how she said it. Girls, though us guys will always appreciate the sentiment, there are much, much... much better ways to say that. Needless to say, with her friend in the car, parked on a main street, the act in question did not occur, but we did decide to meet their other two nameless friends at a bar nearby.
AT THE 2nd BAR (Sobriety level: rising)
Well, almost as soon as we get in the second bar Liz decides she is tired and asks if she can go lay down in my car. She seems like a very nice girl so I oblige her request and hand her my keys. We all are talking and drink and I notice that "Penelope" has begun talking to, and hanging on another guy. Which is fine, we've only kissed, I don't own her. But my fun level has decidely dropped and I decide to make my goodbyes and take Liz home. As I'm leaving the bar I notice "Penelope" (ok, so I know her real name, but this more fun) and her new beau heading towards my car, which contains not only a drunk Liz, but also my keys. So I quickly double time and arrive at the car just as he is getting settled in the driver's seat. Me, being the big strong tough guy that I am (ok seriously, its hard to type with all the laughing) open the door and say, oh so politely, "Would you please get out of my car!" He confirms with her that this is indeed my car and steps out. I get in and ask Liz for my keys, and she drunkenly asks "Who are you?" Which restored some of my confidence in this drunken Liz, as she was at least performing some kind of security check before handing over the keys. I confirmed my identity and she hands over the keys and we make our exit. "Penelope" is still hungry and starts listing off places we can go, I assure her that her chauffer service is over and she is indeed going home.
HOME (Sobriety level: Could I be any more sober?)
So we pull up to this nice house in a ritzy area. Liz asks if I would like to come in for some water or something and is surprised when I say yes. So as we step in I look around and at the very nice house and jokingly remark, "Wow, this is nice, is this your parents house or something?" To which Liz replies affirmatively and to be quiet as they are sleeping in the back room. I then quickly drink my water and then hastily make my exit. (stage left, ev-en)
So I'm sure there was a lesson I could've learned in there, but I refuse to learn from my mistakes, and therefore am happily doomed to repeat them.
"Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes."
-Oscar Wilde, Lady Windermere's Fan, 1892, Act III