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Tuesday, November 29, 2005

There and back again (with apologies to J.R.R.)

There I was, enjoying a fine fall evening on my front porch, enjoying a bit of the old pipe weed, when unexpectedly a quite bothersome spirit arrived to change my plans.

You see the Harvest Feast was arriving quite soon, and I was looking forward to plenty of lounging around and four days without labor. This spirit (we'll just call her Danielle) told me of an unexpected journey to search for treasure (or turkey) in a land far away. I laughed her off at first, sure that nothing would move me from my warm hobbit hole.

I brought up all the reasons I couldn't possibly make this journey, obligations, commitments, feeding schedules, but miraculously, all obstacles were overcome. The journey began on a Wednesday, as all magical journeys usually don't, and we took lodgings in a
Courtyard near our departure area for the next day. Though we thought we might've been LOST for a while, we found our way again by the next morning. Then, on the day of the feast itself, I found myself upon one of the majestic flying eagles and arrived in the land of Family Evermore!

It was an unexpected party, to say the least, and there ended up being 13 of them, (if you include the dog, cat, and bearded dragon), myself making lucky number 14. The feast was mighty, the food all around, and as soon as it was done, the cleaning was completed like magic, without me having to raise a hand.

her name was Chico...

But the journey was far from over. There were other family members to eat with and even more traveling to be done, but this time in a giant diesel truck (or, I don't know, Clydesdale? I'm kind of running out of allegory here), the likes of which would make even the thunder god quake.

We saw the ruins of many once grand castles, many damaged by a mighty dragon named Rita.

Four days into this fantastic tale, it was time to begin the journey home. We bundled up our newfound treasure (ok, ok, a new set of pots and pans, a bottle of wine, some lemons, and a tablecloth... a tablecloth of magic!!!! .... ok, ok, just a regular tablecloth) and began the treacherous journey home, once again aback a mighty eagle!

This eagle wasn't quite as punctual as the previous one and this tale of wonder ended in naught but woe.

Upon arriving much later than expected, and finding that [BART] wasn't still running, we had to make alternate transportation plans, as did 90% of the others there. We waited in the cold rain and wind, only to have our loot spill out upon the ground. (The bag broke) Half an hour later, it was finally our turn to get a cab which was luckily staffed by a very friendly driver. He made the cold and wet seem not quite as bad, and the costly ride (Oakland Airport to Lafayette) seem almost worth it.

Overall, the weekend was full of adventure, excitement, and, yes, I'll admit it, fun. I enjoyed being able to see all of my family, and was glad to get meeting hers out of the way.

But we've already decided, next year, we are staying at home!

For those of you non-scifi-fantasy fans, I'm sure you will be able to find a more understandable chain of events
here fairly soon (if not already).

Randomly enough, I did see the most misnamed place I've ever run across somewhere on my way through Houston. "The Hobbit Hole - Sports Bar"

I'm not sure about you, but most people I know who would know what a hobbit hole is, aren't the type to frequent sports bars.

"We hobbits are plain, quiet creatures. Adventures make one late for dinner." -Bilbo Baggins The Hobbit

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Tuesday, November 22, 2005

I just peed a little!

This is by far the best waste of time I've ever seen!

Check it out
here !

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Friday, November 18, 2005

Timmy Want!

There's just something about it that makes me drool uncontrollably!

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Thursday, November 17, 2005

Shelley the Snail

Remember back in English class during high school, when the teacher would give you fifteen minutes to write in your journal about anything you wanted? Well, today I chose to write about snails, and fast ones, I hope you enjoy!

There once was snail named Shelley. Now she didn't get along at all with any of the other snails, because she was very, very fast. Well, not fast when compared to a car, or a bullet train, or even a turtle, but fast for a snail.

All of the other snails would make fun of her because of her speed.

Her schoolmates would call her Speedy, and Zippy, in very mean ways.

Old man snails would come out on the front porch as she sailed by and yell out, "Slow down! You maniac!"

But Shelley couldn't help it, she was just a fast snail. She had always been a fast snail, she was even born early.

One day Shelley decided that she was tired of all the ridicule, so she packed up some clothes, and some food, and decided to set out upon the world.

Her first two days were very uneventful. She saw a nice pond one day, and decided to stop there for a bit and munch on some grass. But then a group of rough looking slugs showed up, and she decided it was time to be on her way.

During the middle of the second day, Shelley stopped off near a large wooden porch. Unbeknownst to her, this porch was the very beginning of a large house, which was owned by the same people who owned the property she lived on. (In fact, she had only actually traveled about 30 feet during her two day journey. )

She decided to rest for awhile in the shade, where there was a nice sized drop of water for her to sip on.

While lounging about she her a loud booming voice coming from the porch.

"James, those snails have gotten into my plants again, and this time I think they are going to kill them. We have got to do something about them."

"Martha," Jim said, "I am already on top of things, I ordered some snail killer, and it will be here early next week. So in five days time, all of your snail problems will be gone!"

Shelley was appalled! She was scared and frightened, and she cried for quite a good time.

But then she realized that she had to help out her old community, and using all the speed she possessed, she hauled shell back to her home.

What was a two day trip originally, only took her one day to complete.

She quickly raised the alarm to her community, telling them to hurry and pack their things, they had to move on, and quick.

Well, the oldsters didn't believe her, and just thought she wanted them to rush around like she always did. Her classmates refused to leave all of their toys and possessions, thinking Shelley was trying to get them out of town so she could play with them herself.

At first, even her family didn't believe her, but as she was always such a good girl, they finally relented and agreed to leave the village with her.

Four days, and 25 feet later (her family was not as quick as her) Shelley's family found a nice hollow at the base of a tree which they could call their new home.

It was about sunset that night when they heard the first screams from the their old village.

It seems that Farmer James had received his snail poison, and it was very painful.

As Shelley's former village writhed in pain and agony, the secretly regretted taunting Shelley for all of those years, and for not listening when they tried to warn her.

Shelley was a speedy snail

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Wednesday, November 16, 2005

You'll never believe...

So yesterday, as I'm sitting at my hum-drum job, being bored beyond belief, while waiting on hold, my cell phone rings.

I recognize a local area code, so I go ahead an answer it, thinking its one of my friends, (hey, I have a few). But no, its Joelle calling me with some great news.

She quickly reminds me that there was an alternate transportation fair here about a month ago, and there was a bike giveaway that I entered.

Let me stop a moment here to tell you my recent experience with giveaways. A few months before that, I entered in to win a Hummer, and got a call to buy a timeshare instead. Then I decided to enter for a free trip to Hawaii, but was offered to buy a timeshare once again. Every now and then I will win a free lunch from putting my card in a fishbowl, but then I get a meeting with Financial Advisor who wants to make me money.

So, as she is relating to me that I entered this bike contest, I blurt out in disbelief, "I won a bike?". "Yes!" she says. I have indeed won a bike! She will be by with the invoice on Thursday, and I will go and pick up my bike. The thing is, I thought I was registering for the Segway that was sitting next to the drawing table.

wouldn't have known what to do with one, anyway

I'm really excited, I haven't gotten a new bike since I was about 10, and I've been thinking lately how nice it would be to have a bike to "zip" around town on. I'm not sure of the exact specifications of the bike, but from what I remember it was a pretty nice one. But if I don't like the one that Joelle picks out, I can always pay the difference for something better.

I wonder if I can teach my monkey to hump parrots...

Oh yeah, I also found out that I won a free seat cushion from my actual employer (the bike was from the company that gave the transpofair). Which isn't nearly as exciting as the bike!


"Bicycle bicycle bicycle
I want to ride my bicycle bicycle bicycle
I want to ride my bicycle
I want to ride my bike
I want to ride my bicycle
I want to ride it where I like." -Queen

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Wednesday, November 09, 2005

The Future is Now!

So today is the day that everything I've ever wanted in my life is going to happen! The world just seems a brighter, better place!

Everywhere I look, I am reminded. The smile on a young child's face, the birds, singing their songs, the cars whizzing by on the expressway.

Today is the day that all of my dreams come true!

"What is it Tim?" you anxiously ask!

"It is this!" I prophetically respond.

And as I show it to you, you all gape in wonder!

It's like Nirvana in a faucet!

If you are looking for something to buy for me for Christmas, search no longer! Your hunt ends here!

I would get up in the middle of the night to wash my hands, just so I can see how cool it is!

I envision the day where children will not be able to imagine what life would be like without illuminated faucets!

Unfortunately, like all things that would make your life better (cure for cancer for instance) the faucet light is currently on back order. Just when I thought I had it made...

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Tuesday, November 08, 2005


So... I know its a little late... but here you go anyway!

Danielle and I made pumpkins a couple of weeks ago, and here they are.
Her's is scared, and mine is an evil cat.

In the light of day...

In the Scare of Night (oooooooh)

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The dogs! They're smart and crafty!

Of the many things I didn't do this weekend, one of the things I did was re-seed for sod a part of my backyard. I fenced it off from the three dogs, and diligently brought metal to soil and tilled a good part of the yard. I rended weed from soil in a hand- and back-achingly way, I painstakingly spread seed evenly over the lawn and proceeded to "roll" it all, and I agonizingly watered it all down. All in all, it wasn't really that bad, it only took about an hour or two, and I was pretty satisfied with a job well done!

My roommate has a couple of fence panels you can use to make a small pen for your dog, so I stretched them out to make a fence to keep the dogs from pooping and trooping through this part of the lawn. This is where the epic struggle begins.

It started Saturday night as I was sitting out enjoying a beer in the fenced off area and enjoying the dogs being fenced out. Without so much as a rattle of the fence, suddenly I find my dog roaming around near me, smelling things, pooping, the usual.

Now, everytime I turn around I'm either picking the fence back up, or dragging a lab, rotweiler or border collie out of there.

Now they have learned to work together though. Last night while I was putting the fence back up, after it was knocked over for the second time, Bandit was silently inside making quick work of the tray of fresh brownies on the counter.

Then, while I was getting Terra out of the fenced area, Digory and Bandit were sifting through the remains of the trash!

They are crafty, but I will prevail!

It may be an uphill battle, but as long as I put up the good fight, in the spring I will have a nice section of lawn thickly carpeted with Fescue!

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Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Moon over my Hammy!

Not only is that my favorite meal at Denny's, its also the title for today's blog.

So apparently a large Klan (when its with a "k" you know which one I'm talking about) rally is going to happen this Saturday, Nov. 5th in Austin, Texas. They are having a pro-family rally encouraging voters to vote for a law limiting marriage to between a man and a woman... or something. And I encourage all of you in the area to go out to this rally... moon the klan. That's right, apparently this is not he first time, and hopefully not the last, that a large group of Texan's bands together to show the clan their ass.

Full details are

So get your ass in front of a mirror, and learn to write legibly on it, and then get out there and show those racists what their acting like!

Hope you had a good Halloween!

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