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Friday, September 30, 2005

The Camel Joke

So posting the picture of the camel yesterday reminded me of my favorite joke I've ever heard!

First though, we shall have some backstory, to help things along.

Way back in fourth grade I did a report on camels. Of the many things I learned about camels from the one Zoobooks magazine and the one Ranger Rick that I read, I have only retained three things.

1)Camels do not actually store water in their hump.

2)There are two types of camels, the one-humped camel is known as a Dromedary, the two humped variety is known as a Bactrian.

3)They spit.

So way back in the day when I was a freshmen in college I met some friends in Austin at a club on "the drag" called Metro. We went to see a group called Only Ninety Percent Effective, which was an improv group. They were quite funny, and had a game called,' A priest, A rabbi and a..." where someone in the audience would yell out a word and they would include that in joke. This created one of the funniest jokes I have ever heard, which no one else enjoys!

So, without further ado, "
The camel joke":

A priest, a rabbi and a camel walk into a bar. The priest goes up to the bar, orders a drink, takes it back.

The rabbit goes up to the bar, orders a drink, takes it back.

The camel, comes staggering into the bar, walks determinedly up to the bar, and says loudly, "Bar-tender! Give me some milk!" The bartender looks at him, pours him a glass of milk, and says, "Here's your milk buddy, but what's with the attitude?"

The camel boldy replies, "Its Drama-dairy!"

I was the only one in the club laughing, laughing so hard, in fact, that everyone turned and looked at me!

If you would like to learn more about camels, be sure to check out your local library or click here:


or learn about when these "Great Ships of the Desert" roamed the West Texas country side here:

Camels in Texas?!?

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Thursday, September 29, 2005

Getting Dooced!

So one of the employees at the clinic where my roommate works was recently let go due to her blogging about her work place. She had been posting bad things about her workplace and fellow employees on her blog, as well as telling other employees about her blog, and was unjustly upset when they let her go.

So my roommate asked me what my thoughts, as a blogger, were on the subject. I, in no uncertain terms, told her that I thought it was totally justified that she be fired. Everyone knows that it is rule number one not to blog about about your workplace and not expect to face repercussions if you do, and get caught. There have been numerous cases of workers being fired for this, and plastered on walls all across the blogosphere is the phrase, in big flashing letters:

"Thou shalt not blog about work, without prior approval from management, and possibly not even then, I mean, really its your job, isn't paying bills more important than your idle ramblings, I mean, come on!"

No one have ever credited bloggers with being succint.

Granted, years ago, when blogging was as unheard of as time-traveling washing machines, no expected to get fired for their online journal. In fact, they probably weren't even sure anyone was reading their posts except for family and friends anyway.

The reason we have our
Dooce's and our flight attendant who got fired for blogging on crappy customers is to be an object lesson for the rest of us. They are the Jonah's and the Lot's of the blogworld, there to let the rest of us know what not to do!

Let those who do not heed their example be cast out into the wilderness where there will be crying, and anguish and the ever dreaded gnashing of the teeth!

Just you and the camel... gnashing!

****As a sidenote, I find it very amusing that the spellcheck provided by blogger does not know the words, blog or blogger.*****

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Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Ask A Tim!

Due to increasing boredom, I have created a new site. It can be found here:

You may be asking, "Tim, do you really need another site?" Well, if you are asking me that question, then obviously I do.

Check it out. Ask me a question, I'm sure I'll answer!

I have also added a link to it under my Links over there (<--) in case you want to find it later!

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Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Intelligent Re-design!

So with all this hubbub on Intelligent Design vs. Evolution lately, I think I might have come up with a solution... ...are you ready for it... ...I really don't think you are... ...ok, here goes:

Lets just teach religion in schools!

There, its that simple, its what they want, lets just do it.

Now, before the stoning begins, let me state that I'm not saying lets teach Creationism in Science class (we don't teach evolution in Sunday school after all), I'm saying lets create a religion class in high school.

Once again, I'm not saying lets have a Christianity class in Kindergarten, but high school students are intelligent enough to be able to come to their own decisions.

Of course, this new religion class wouldn't just teach the history of Christianity, but of all major (and possibly some minor) religions in the world. Its a proven (not really) fact that education increases tolerance. With the current state of religious unrest in the country I think it would be a good idea if more people had a true idea of what others believe.

There would, of course, be a section on Christianity, but also a section on Islam, Judaism, Hinduism, Buddhism, Mormonism, Taoism, and possibly even Native American theology specific to each region (as there are many of them) and whatever other religions I may have forgotten

his noodly appendage would not be included

Not only would this allow alternative theories of evolution to be taught, such as the Hindu belief that the world is actually on the back of a very large turtle as it progresses across the universe, but it would also allow students to learn about the beliefs and customs of their neighbors.

Gone would be the days when all Muslims are considered terrorists.

Gone would be the day when Jewish students are wished a "Happy Yom Kippur".

And gone would be the days when Christians are persecuted in their own country (Rome?).

From a personal view, the classes I took on Islam in college (because all the Christianity classes were at like 8 a.m.) really opened my eyes to actual beliefs and culture of this religion, as opposed to what I had picked up on the school bus in junior high. Learning did not make me want to go out and become a Muslim (all that praying for one thing, and once again, getting up early is an issue for me). It taught me that it is not a culture of anger and hate, but a culture of love based on many of the same principles as Christianity. And just like the religion I'm more familiar with, it is also full of many different sects which interpret their holy book in many different ways.

Now many may say that its not fair that their children are being forced (taught) to be culturally tolerant and more aware of the world in which they live, and to those people I would say...

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I'm infectious...

...and you've got the fever!

I recently added a new feature to my blog called Clustr Maps. Its over there on the left side, about halfway down, and it shows the location of people who visit my site. I'm very excited about this as I can now verify that my friends in New York and San Diego are indeed reading my blog. As for my readers in Chile, Norway, and whatever that island is off the coast of Canada (how's the weather in Conception Bay) I have no idea who you might be, but I hope you're enjoying the disease!.

Looking at the map reminds me of a movie like
Outbreak, where they show a large map with a localized infection, and then show how the infection will spread over the next few days and weeks (until we are all dead). So my influence is getting out there, and its spreading!

Its also very educational for me, as I try and pinpoint what city or area my readers might be in from the very large dot on the map. Its like a geography lesson, in fact, it would be a great tool for teachers to use to encourage children to learn. ...and who says I never do anything to help the youth of today?

Who will be my first reader from Africa? from Australia or New Zealand? Will it be you? or you? Am I banned in China? We'll just have to wait and see!

"I have the map! And the day after tomorrow, the world!" -Evil Genius in Time Bandits

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Monday, September 26, 2005

Killer Yellow Jackets II: Electric Boogaloo!

So thinking I had successfully killed the entire nest of wasps I decided to do a little excavating on the stump in my flower bed on Friday. I get out my trusty shovel and loosen the stump on all sides and flip it over expecting to find a bunch of dead wasps. Instead I found trouble, and lots of it:
Nest of Doom, Hive of Villiany!

In case you can't tell from the picture, that grayish item on the bottom of the stump that is about the size of a football was the yellow jacket hive. In case you also can't tell, it was still full of live yellow jackets, angry ones, lots of em! This time I luckily avoided being stung, and then proceeded to spray the crap out of the hive. I can now happily announce that the yellow jacket threat is now gone! I have some better pictures that weren't taken while still in fear for my life, I'll try and post those later.

I moved the stump over to trash can and was peering at it while my neighbor pulled in next door. He came over to see what had me so entranced and when he saw it, mentioned that it would be neat to clean it up and laquer it and use it as a decoration. I granted him full license to the hive under the stipulation that he show it to me after he is done!

The yellow jackets are now gone, and I have filled the void in my flower bed with a crepe myrtle... ...but what will fill the void in my heart...

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Friday, September 23, 2005

Stealthy, stealthy Christians!

Ok, so recently I've been playing a lot of online games in anticpation of receiving some Lucas Arts Classics I'm buying on Ebay (Sam and Max hit the Road, The Dig, Full Throttle, Monkey Island).

Today I came across this game that looks interesting called
King's Call. Apparently a dragon has destroyed your village and you must journey to meet the king, who will let you live in his swank castle. You are helped along the way by a sheep and a shepard.

It was an ok game, with easy gameplay and fairly good graphics. The goal is to destroy the dragon and make it to the castle. While I was playing though I had a sneaking suspicion that it was something else. There a carnival that you couldn't escape from because of all the pretty prizes, there was a monk character who gave you potion to throw at the dragon, a "learned" man who relies on his "science" only, and a boastful knight who couldn't face his fear. It was about the time I got to the bridge and the "shepard" gave his life slaying the dragon to protect my own that I realized this is an allegory. Dammit all! If I wanted an allegory I would pick a good one, like The Chronicles of
Narnia, not some claptrap flash game!

Which got me thinking on allegory. Would books like the Chronicles of Narnia be approved by the religious right if they were released today. Or would a world peopled with witches, ex-wives of Adam, frendly fauns and centaurs, trolls, talking beavers, and magic be as demonized as Harry Potter?

There is no doubt that the Narnia books are great, in fact, its from that and the other writings of C.S. Lewis that I draw many of the tenets of my beliefs. But would the current incarnation of Christianity in America be able to accept a story so steeped in the mythical.

Just something for you to ponder... In the meantime, if you have not read the above mentioned books, do so, or be lazy and see what looks to be a great movie in December instead.

...and keep your eye out for those ninja Christians... they'll get you!

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Killer Wasps from under the Tree!

No, I'm not talking about White Anglo-Saxon Protestants here, I'm talking about a real menace to society. Simple everyday, bastards from hell, yellow jackets!

notice the little beady eyes

Upon arriving home from work yesterday, I commenced my daily rituals, one of which being "the watering of the plants". As I was watering the flowerbeds I noticed an inordinate amount of yellow jackets swarming around an old stump. Upon closer inspection I realized they had built a large hive under the ground. After spraying them with water for awhile, I realized I needed to do something about it.

A quick trip to Longs Drugs made me the proud owner of a can of Wasp Spray. Before I sprayed I decided that I would make the opening a little larger so I could really get the spray down in there...

I should probably intercede here that I'm not one that normally goes around killing bugs. I'm the type of person that will catch a bug or spider in a cup and then release them in the front yard, and I was a little apprehensive about the genocide I was about to commit. I reassured myself that a nasty nest of wasps was not something I wanted near my house and was ready to begin the killing!

...So I grabbed a large stick, with which to broaden the opening and proceeded to jab it into the hive. Now, I know that jabbing things into stinging flying things' hives is never a good idea, but I felt I gave myself plenty of distance. Well, once the opening was broader, the wasps came out to inspect who was making unasked for renovations on their home and one smart little bastard spotted me as the culprit.

I quickly employed my best wasp avoidance tactics, or from my neighbors' perspective "that guy across the street is acting crazy" dance. Thinking I had eluded the little bugger I stood about 20 ft from the hive, waiting for them to calm down enough for me to get close and fill their hive with foam. Now, as you know, Thursday is tie day, and I was still wearing it, which makes the collar rather tight. Well somehow this stinging hellion made his way down my collar and proceeded to sting the crap out of me right at the base of my neck. So I smashed him good before I even thought about it and quickly removed him from my collar.

the part that stings!

So Wasps 1, Human zero.

Now I didn't remember if I had ever been stung before, so I quickly called my mom to find out. I do remember her getting stung on her arm at one point and it swelling all the way up to her head, so being stung near my breathing tube I was a little worried. She also didn't remember any stungs I had received so we played the waiting game.

My faithful girlfriend promised to bring over some Benadryl and I, noticing that the wasps had calmed down, decided to make my move while I was still breathing! I stealthily snuck up to the stump, waited till I could get as many of them together in one place, and I sprayed the everliving hell out of that hive! The spray I bought was a nice foaming one that filled the hive as I sprayed, and I thouroughly enjoyed the thought of a Wasp Foam party turned bad. Many others were returning expecting to find entry but the foam acted as a better barrier than a large man and a velvet rope. They all eventually tried landing in it, to no avail, as it would only entrap them and then slowly kill them. I'm sorry to say I enjoyed the spectacle and stayed near to watch them all die and curl up. And proceeded to spray the hive about 5 more times that day! I thrilled in seeing the many small bodies laying on the ground, like some wasp cult that reached its end. Wasps 1 Humans about 30.

I had my revenge, and it was oh, so sweet!

The sting has been bothering me all day as it has stiffened my neck and made turning painful, but my breathing passages remained open. The swelling has done something to my lymph nodes as well, as they are all swollen. I'm sure my body is still circulating the wasp venom through my bloodstream and it is making me feel a little off. But I'm sure it will all wear off by tomorrow.

Of course, I guess it could've been worse...

...the horror, the horror!

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Thursday, September 22, 2005

Lovely Rita, Hurri-cane!

I realize that Rita has probably been covered Ad-nauseum in other blogs you may enjoy, but as it is all that is on my mind right now, and I made a promise to myself to post more often, this is what you get!

The little lady is expected to make landfall sometime late Friday night or early Saturday morning, and her current path is taking her directly towards everyone I've ever called family. Luckily my sister and her little ones have evacuated to Dallas, but my mother is still in the path of the storm. Conroe is far enough inland that it won't receive the full brunt of the storm, but it will still get a lot of wind, rain, and possible flooding. Needless to say, I am freaking the fuck out!

My mother is the one person in my life who I have always depended on and who is always there to help me out of whatever major fix it is I land myself in! The one time she really needs me to be there to help her, I am half a continent away. I am worried because she is by herself in her house in the country. I am worried because there are many old trees looming near her house, and I am worried because I don't know what she would do if she was there by herself and something happened to the house while she is in it, while the storm is raging!

It brings out all kinds of emotions that I'm not sure I'm ready to post for the world to see ranging from fear of "losing my mommy" to anger at other parties for the reason she is alone. I'm definately understanding more how my mother felt when she lost her father a few years ago.
I considered flying home to be with her, but logistically it doesn't work and I don't even know if they are allowing people to fly in.

I'm hourly checking The Weather Channel to see if the projected path has turned even more east than it already has (or if the storm has yet downgraded). I know it is bad of me to hope that the storm path takes it East, away from my family, but back towards those areas already horribly affected, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm selfish in the regard that I would rather know that my family is safe even though it may mean others are in more danger.

But my thoughts and prayers are with everyone in that region, and I hope you have all done all you can to make yourselves, or your families safe! (...and yes dear, you have done all you can for him, and he may yet see sense!)

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Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Raindrops keep falling on my head...

I love how whenever it finally decides to rain out here, everyone is talking about it the next day like Godzilla attacked! "Did you see the rain yesterday?" "Oh my gosh, it rained so hard!" "Where do you live, did it rain there? It rained at my house" Rain, rain, rain! You'd think these people have never seen water fall from the sky before (well, ok, there are many people in LA who have never actually seen it rain)

Heaven forbid you have to drive in the rain out here. It seriously rained like 8 drops on my way home from work and everyone is slamming on their brakes (which is always the best thing to do when its wet!). When its seriously raining (well, serious for out here) people will almost all out stop and give me disbelieving looks as I pass them going 50 mph.

Meanwhile, back home they are about to be hit with a torrential amount of rain. Rita is currently a 5 and is expected to hit Houston harder than the recession in the mid 80's. My thoughts and prayers go out to all my family and friends in the area, I hope you are all doing all you can to brace for the storm.

When I was about 5 years old, Hurricane Alisha rocked the Texas coastline, and it was only a 3. I recall my parents having all the neighbors over for a Hurricane party. They would drink and play card games while watching trees throughout the neighborhood fall into the street. A good time was had by all. Unfortunately, it looks like Rita is going to be a lot more serious. So perhaps the drinks will need to be a lot stronger...

"The best thing one can do when it's raining is to let it rain." -Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

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Friday, September 16, 2005


So I'm sure no one who knows me will believe this, but I can be incredibly shy around people I have just met. So recently I discovered a very rude habit of mine. When meeting someone new I will often totally ignore them. I will talk to other people that I know, but my body language and everything will indicate that the new person isn't even around.

Its not something I mean to do, I'm not being rude on purpose, but I can't help it.

It also works with people I'm uncomfortable around. Like the girl I dated in high school who told me that she still liked me after we broke up, and I told her I would call her back cuz the Simpson's were on, and I didn't call her back for like 3 months. (I did have Mono at the time, and she did give it to me!) Then I met her again like 6 years later while hanging out with some of my other highschool friends and I completely ignored her, I might have even have spoken about her in the third person while she was sitting right there! Eventually I talked directly to her again, we even went out a couple of times, but I think she was just being nice!

I'm pretty sure that I am just afraid that I will say something stupid, and said person will think I'm a complete loser for forever. But eventually, the ice is broken and the seals will come out to play. (See, say something stupid, like that!)

"Shyness has a strange element of narcissism, a belief that how we look, how we perform, is truly important to other people. " - Andre Dubus

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Monday, September 12, 2005

It's been awhile...

So I apologize for the lack of posting, every now and then something happens that I'm not immediately able to wrap my head around. I've found it best to stop and take a look at things before I go blabbering on and on as I usually do. But this posting has nothing to do with any of that!

I've been thinking a lot recently about the price of oil (because I live in California) and terrorism (because I live in America). I've also been thinking about Katrina (because I'm a human being, and not some blog posting robot).

But lets start with terrorism. A lot of middle eastern terrorists got their start from the fact that we like to drive Big SUV's. Now, before you start throwing things at me, let me explain. Post-crusades, what has been our main reason for involvement in the Middle East? Is it because it is so war torn over there or the rule of harsh and cruel dictators? Possibly, but why are we not doing that in Africa or North Korea or whatever the hell Russia is called now? My answer, because I like the easy macro view of it all, is oil. The main reason we care so much about the middle east is oil. They have it, we want it, because the war machine doesn't work without oil (and neither does the Playstation in our cars), and we don't want to pay a lot for it. All of this works out fairly well, until they decide that they want to charge more for it. Then we go over there, and tell them that they can't, and they don't understand, so we... explain.

Well, think about how you would feel if your parents (or cousins or whatever) grew corn. Now corn is very important as it makes the windmills in Holland turn (this is all just an example, we all know corn is not what makes windmills run... its the tulips). Your parents have made a good living off of selling the corn to Holland, because corn will grow lots of places, but it grows best where they are at. But suddenly, for some reason, they need to raise the price of corn (pick any of your simple business solutions, cost of seed rises, labor is now more expensive, etc, etc). So they tell Holland that their corn is now going to cost a little more. Well, Holland can't have that, they liked what they were paying, and they need to corn to make the windmills go. So they tell your parents, no, they'll just pay what they were paying, and if they refuse to sell at that price, they simply find someway to make life painful for them.

So your parents are working just as hard, but they are not making as much. Soon, you are wearing hand-me downs, your dad's drinking from the stress, and your mom kills herself due to dad's drinking. Corn is still being produced, Holland (your biggest consumer) refuses to pay more for it, but offers their condolences over your hardship, and sends you a fruit basket. You are now very angry with Holland and decide that you will not be happy until all tulips are dead. You are now a terrorist.

So replace corn with oil and your parents with middle eastern governments, and Bob's your uncle, we are caught up. Yes, I know, its not all that simple, but its a basic analogy. The biggest beef terrorists have with American's is us meddling in their business. They can kill each other just fine without our help, thank you very much!

... So, if the main reason we have terrorists is due to our meddling... and the main reason we meddle is because we want cheap oil... ...then.. why don't we... put our resources towards cutting our dependence on... oil.

It seems to me that with the billions of dollars we are sinking into Iraq everyday we could develop alternative fuels to decrease our dependence on oil. I wouldn't mind if oil cost $20 a gallon if my car would only use 1 gallon a month. Now, I'm not trying to point any fingers at anyone, but why would our current president have any reason to resist alternative fuel research in favor of promoting an outdated fuel source that is very costly to both the pocket book and the environment?

Wouldn't a better way to fight terrorism be to reduce our dependence on foreign oil?
Wouldn't reducing our contact with them (which is what upsets them in the first place) be the best way to get them to leave us alone?
Because, I'll be honest, a war on terrorism is not a war that can be won by force. Their will always be another upset child who lost his family, or some rich dissident who is pissed and has the resources to start a revolution... and he will always be able to find followers. Wouldn't it be better to find ways to reduce this hatred to begin with?

One last question...
Isn't it funny to see people drive big SUV's or pickups with anti-terrorism messages on their bumper stickers? And wouldn't that be the same as a vegan driving around in a car that runs on beef?

One last note. The destruction wrought by Katrina is probably the worst natural disaster any of us have seen in our lifetime. Please do all you can to contribute to the relief efforts currently in place to help the victims of this tragedy.

While watching the news reports on the event I recall one reporter comparing the destruction to the detonation of a nuclear bomb. Excluding the radioactive fallout, of course, I think this description would be very apt. I'm not going to sit here and criticize anyone on their response, or lack of it to this disaster. One thing I will say is that if a terrorist act creates this much damage in the future, I hope that our federal government would not sit on its hands for a few days before stepping in to act. I also hope that if a natural disaster of this magnitude occurs again, that individual citizens will not hesitate to step in and help out, just as they have done this time.

Ahh, its amazing how simple life is if you just leave out all the micro details....

[feel free to post comments, I love challenging my ideas, but please, no personal attacks, it belittles us both]

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Thursday, September 01, 2005

More proof that I am an absolute dork!

If any is still needed...

Not only do I still love and play computer games, but today I recalled this computer game that we would occasionally play in my 5th and 6th grade computer class called Transylvania.
I absolutely loved this game and would play anytime the teacher would let us. In fact my computer partner and I were so good at it that the teacher would sometimes let us play when we should've been doing work. Yes, I was even a nerd at such a young age, except now, being a nerd is cool... or something.

Anyway, back to my nerdiness. So today I decided to google and I found out that not only do others remember it, and not only was it revolutionary for its time (it was the first text game that had pictures) but you can also play it online! I love the future in which we live!

If you have any old favorites (like the original Oregon Trail) that you would like to find, check here:
Virtual Apple

"I just wanted to say that I'm a nerd, and I'm here tonight to stand up for the rights of other nerds. I mean uh, all our lives we've been laughed at and made to feel inferior. And tonight, those bastards, they trashed our house. Why? Cause we're smart? Cause we look different? Well, we're not. I'm a nerd, and uh, I'm pretty proud of it" -Anthony Edwards character in Revenge of the Nerds

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