Friday, September 23, 2005

notice the little beady eyes

Upon arriving home from work yesterday, I commenced my daily rituals, one of which being "the watering of the plants". As I was watering the flowerbeds I noticed an inordinate amount of yellow jackets swarming around an old stump. Upon closer inspection I realized they had built a large hive under the ground. After spraying them with water for awhile, I realized I needed to do something about it.

A quick trip to Longs Drugs made me the proud owner of a can of Wasp Spray. Before I sprayed I decided that I would make the opening a little larger so I could really get the spray down in there...

I should probably intercede here that I'm not one that normally goes around killing bugs. I'm the type of person that will catch a bug or spider in a cup and then release them in the front yard, and I was a little apprehensive about the genocide I was about to commit. I reassured myself that a nasty nest of wasps was not something I wanted near my house and was ready to begin the killing!

...So I grabbed a large stick, with which to broaden the opening and proceeded to jab it into the hive. Now, I know that jabbing things into stinging flying things' hives is never a good idea, but I felt I gave myself plenty of distance. Well, once the opening was broader, the wasps came out to inspect who was making unasked for renovations on their home and one smart little bastard spotted me as the culprit.

I quickly employed my best wasp avoidance tactics, or from my neighbors' perspective "that guy across the street is acting crazy" dance. Thinking I had eluded the little bugger I stood about 20 ft from the hive, waiting for them to calm down enough for me to get close and fill their hive with foam. Now, as you know, Thursday is tie day, and I was still wearing it, which makes the collar rather tight. Well somehow this stinging hellion made his way down my collar and proceeded to sting the crap out of me right at the base of my neck. So I smashed him good before I even thought about it and quickly removed him from my collar.

the part that stings!

So Wasps 1, Human zero.

Now I didn't remember if I had ever been stung before, so I quickly called my mom to find out. I do remember her getting stung on her arm at one point and it swelling all the way up to her head, so being stung near my breathing tube I was a little worried. She also didn't remember any stungs I had received so we played the waiting game.

My faithful girlfriend promised to bring over some Benadryl and I, noticing that the wasps had calmed down, decided to make my move while I was still breathing! I stealthily snuck up to the stump, waited till I could get as many of them together in one place, and I sprayed the everliving hell out of that hive! The spray I bought was a nice foaming one that filled the hive as I sprayed, and I thouroughly enjoyed the thought of a Wasp Foam party turned bad. Many others were returning expecting to find entry but the foam acted as a better barrier than a large man and a velvet rope. They all eventually tried landing in it, to no avail, as it would only entrap them and then slowly kill them. I'm sorry to say I enjoyed the spectacle and stayed near to watch them all die and curl up. And proceeded to spray the hive about 5 more times that day! I thrilled in seeing the many small bodies laying on the ground, like some wasp cult that reached its end. Wasps 1 Humans about 30.

I had my revenge, and it was oh, so sweet!

The sting has been bothering me all day as it has stiffened my neck and made turning painful, but my breathing passages remained open. The swelling has done something to my lymph nodes as well, as they are all swollen. I'm sure my body is still circulating the wasp venom through my bloodstream and it is making me feel a little off. But I'm sure it will all wear off by tomorrow.

Of course, I guess it could've been worse...

...the horror, the horror!

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