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Thursday, June 30, 2005


In what can only be described as an overtly cruel and horrible death, Elmo's body has been found down by the docks early this morning by marina workers.

Elmonroe P. Yarnenbloom, spokesman for popular TV show Sesame Street, and recently known for his outrageous behavior and rampant partying with Paris Hilton and Tara Reid, an obscene gambling addiction, and rumors of drug abuse, was found dead this morning and floating in the harbor.

From his meager beginings as an infrequent character on "The Street", as kids are calling it, he quickly rose to popularity with his Tickle Me doll. And it appears someone took his offers to heart.

Though police are hesitant to say what occured, one anonymous cop took a break from throwing up to tell us it appears he was violently tickled to death.

Officers are on the lookout for a short green fellow who has a
penchant for trash cans and bad attitudes, but they have not ruled out a mob hit by the newly active Puppet Mafia.

Calls to Big Bird and his press agent have not been returned.

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Wednesday, June 29, 2005

For John...

So one of my friends is writing a novel. A quite funny novel actually, with compelling storylines and well thought out characters. Well the problem is, I read the half he has written and really, really enjoyed it. "How's that a problem?" you might ask. Well I would tell you to stop interrupting and I'll finish. The problem is that John is currently stuck on the build up to the climax. He has the climax, he has the denouement, he has the intro, he just having problems getting the characters to do what he needs them to do in a way that leaves the reader, me, from saying "Whaaa?"

So lets all give John a little encouragement! Tell him you love him! Tell him you need him! Tell him how smart and handsome he is, (he's a always a sucker for that)! Tell him you understand and that he'll get through it, he just needs to look at it a different way (like try lying under the couch and look at it from there)! Just tell him something so he'll finish it and I can find out how the story ends!

Why, you ask? Because, once he is famous, and this book is a bestseller, you can say, "I helped!"

"Read, read, read. Read everything - trash, classics, good and bad, and see how they do it. Just like a carpenter who works as an apprentice and studies the master. Read! You'll absorb it. Then write. If it's good, you'll find out. If it's not, throw it out of the window." ~ William Faulkner

"You don't write because you want to say something' you write because you've got something to say." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald

"A man's got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book." ~ Ernest Hemingway

"A writer is someone for whom writing is more difficult than it is for other people."~ Thomas Mann

"Why do people always expect authors to answer questions? I am an author because I want to ASK questions. If I had answers I'd be a politician." ~ Eugene Ionesco

"I'm astounded by people who take eighteen years to write something. That's how long it took that guy to write Madame Bovary, and was that ever on the best-seller list?" ~ Sylvester Stallone

and my favorite:

"If you can't annoy somebody with what you write, I think there's little point in writing." ~ Kingsley Amis

I think Kingsley and I would have been friends!

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To post for the sake of posting...

Yesterday I realized how perfectly satisfactory the normal everyday tasks can be. I washed my dog, watered the plants, did dishes and cleaned the sink, and took out the trash. Something about the overwhelming sense of satisfaction over a job well done...

This is about the time I realized that I am officially out of college, the bloom has definately fallen off the rose for me. In fact, I was in such a mode of doing stuff that I couldn't stop. I rearranged the living room, organized my roomates past Vet mags by title and dusted them all off, swept under all the furniture, and in general cleaned the crap out of things! I think I got boderline obsesive about it for awhile. Of course all of this was just a diversionary tactic to keep from cleaning my room. That's right, I'm cleaning to avoid cleaning, how's that for irony.

I think it all stems from the constant battles I had with my mom over my room in high school, and my general "mule-y" attitude towards life in general. I refuse to do it because I have to... even if I wanted to in the first place, I'm not doing it now cause you told me to! I know it doesn't make sense, it doesn't have to!

So maybe I'm growing... maybe I'm learning that it doesn't actually hurt to clean... maybe its just that time of year... maybe its because there is nothing on right now except for reruns... or maybe its because a special someone is coming to town... we'll all just have to wait and see!

"Cleanliness is next to Godliness." -some guy

"God is dead" -Nietzsche

"So is Nietzsche." -God

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Thursday, June 23, 2005

Envy part II

I think I'm envious of my own Friendster page.

[For those of you old people out there, friendster ( is an online community for those who would like to meet new friends.. or lovers.. or sex buddies.
I mainly use it to keep up with old friends, but have made a couple of e-friends on there as well. (e-friends being those you've never met but you read each other's blogs and sometimes have conversations about life and such)]

So I'm looking at the pictures I have on friendster page and I almost feel like I'm overrepresenting myself. There I am skiing, there I am hiking in Yosemite, there I am fishing off a couch. Look there, its me and Spongebob, me running a marathon, and me thiefing a priceless golden idol from a temple.

Who is this Tim, and how can I meet him. He seems very cool indeed. I was thinking about photoshoping myself into places all over the world, but it seems I've done just fine on my own.

And look at all the friends I have, (a lot of them hot girls, one of them a subway system). Wow, not only is Tim cool, but everyone likes him.

Oh the sad, sad truth of it all. But really how would it look if I only had pictures up there of me sitting on the couch watching TV, me getting something to drink out of the fridge, playing Nintendo or mowing the lawn shirtless (for all the ladies). Imagine it, all of my friends would be TV shows, The Real World, LOST, and The O.C. (shut up, you just shut up).

So I shall continue to live vicariously through my online representation of myself... I just hope he keeps having a good time!

"Envy is an insult to oneself." -Yevgeny Yevtushenko (Russian Poet, b.1933)

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Wednesday, June 22, 2005


It's amazing how satisfied I can be with my own life when I stop reading about others... ...and vice versa.

It seems like whenever I'm thinking that I've got my stuff together, and my life is pretty cool after all, I'll read about someone else who just spent 8 months in Scotland, or just saved a pod of whales on the beach, or is enjoying their 3rd home purchase, or new german automobile.

I guess I just need to stop having an interest in other people's lives.

"Dammit Tim, will you stop being so selfless!" -danielle

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Thursday, June 16, 2005


I'm starting to think there is a definite lack of creativity in the media these days.

I will now cite two examples:

Ever since the Watergate scandal (which was actually named after the Watergate hotel) whenever there is a political scandal, we have to add -gate after every scandal.

Ok, so I'm not a big follower of People magazine and who's dating/dumping who, but I'll admit that whoever came up with the phrase Bennifer was an absolute genius. But now, the entire celebrity gossip industry (who view Joan Rivers as their god, and Melissa as their personal savior) has to combine everyone's name into one. After the Anniston/Pitt split (I'm a poet and was not even aware of that fact), all we've been hearing about is Bradalena. And I saw the absolute worst the other day, TomKat for Cruise and Holmes. What if normal couples went around choosing one name for themselves, it would just be weird. Come up with new ideas Media!

And on another note:
Someone please, stop the madness. Leave celebrities alone to live their lives. They are just normal people, when you follow their every move, you are just encouraging people like Susan Sarandon to feel like that have to use their "mic time" for something important. (like when I would be smart ass when I was little and my parents would laugh, and then my older sister would roll her eyes and say "you're just encouraging him!" who made her the buzzkill police anyway?) Stop rear-ending Lindsey Lohan, just b/c she is rich doesn't mean she should have to pay a lot for car insurance!

Celebrities put their pants on, one leg at a time, just like everyone else... of course once those pants are on, they use them to make multimillion dollar blockbusters... and their pants are probably a lot nicer than mine that I bought at Ross... and they usually burn their pants after wearing them once, cuz its easier than washing them. But if I've learned anything from watching Cribs (which, honestly, lets hope I haven't) its that Celebrity's homes look just like ours; food in the fridge, beds in the bedrooms, and TV in the pool. Just let them live their highly glamourous lives and peace, and lets spend all this effort we put towards them towards something worthwhile, like feeing the hungry... or curing AIDS... or the highly glamorous lives of sports stars!

"Scandal is gossip made tedious by morality" -Oscar Wilde

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Monday, June 13, 2005

What is wrong with us...

So I'm reading some article about some such and it mentions that the Norwegian work week is only 37.5 hours, and overtime is not only relatively unheard of, but highly discouraged among employers. And I'm pretty sure its not because they're cheap, as Norway has one of the highest qualities of life.

What the hell is wrong with America? I mean, I don't have a problem with the 40 hour work week, but when they expect 60 or in some cases even 80 hours a week, it gets a little ridiculous. But one employee starts working a few hours extra every day because he hates his wife (I don't know, why else wouldn't you want to go home) and then all the other employees look bad, so they have to stay late too.

That or wages are too low, so employees are forced to work more hours. Why are wages low? Because big business runs Congress through its Lobbyists.... but I digress.

I sometimes wish there was something I could do to help people understand that money isn't everything. That there's more to life than moving from a cube to an office. Someway I could just give America a big whack upside the head and say, "I mean, come on," and everyone would be like "Wow, thanks man, I don't know what happened there, but I'm better now."

I understand many people have to work two or even three jobs to put food on the table, but why? We live in a country that eats more per person than any other country in the world (we are also the fattest, thank you very much State of Texas!). We produce so much food that we have, in the past, paid farmers not to produce. We are the largest importer of food in the world. How is it that we have so many hungry people?

Plus, half of American's are now on a diet, where is the food they are not eating? Maybe that should be the new diet craze, give the food you normally would have eaten to the homeless.

So what am I trying to say here?!? I don't wanna work so much, so everybody else slack off too!

"Personally, I have nothing against work, particularly when performed, quietly and unobtrusively, by someone else. I just don't happen to think it's an appropriate subject for an ethic." -Barbara Ehrenreich

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Friday, June 10, 2005

Long Lost Myths II

How Cats fooled Man into letting them poop in a box in the house...

Ok, so I have been working on this big long article in my head (where all great things start) and was getting ready to put it down on silicon for you. It was going to be very similar to the one about dogs below, but instead looking about how cats manipulated woman into letting them sleep in the house, poop where the sleep, and otherwise set man up as their master. Well, turns out it was more a ingenious plot than that.

Apparently cats have been practicing mind control all along. Read
this for proof. No wonder cats are such great mousers, they are removing the mices fear of them to make them easier to catch. They are making men filthy and women slutty. So women, if you own a cat, next time your man doesn't put the toilet seat down or continues with his inability to find the dirty clothes hamper, don't blame him, blame the cat you insisted you own. Men, when your woman starts sleeping around on you, don't blame her, blame the cat you got her for your aniversary because you were too lazy to find a really thoughtful gift.

Maybe that's why the economy prospered during Clinton's presidency. For the first time in many years (if ever) there was a feline running the oval office! Socks was the secret power behind the power (Hilary), behind the power (Bill).

How crafty the cat has become! Apparently stealing our infants' breath wasn't enough, they have begun the mind control process. It is only too soon until tuna production is increased, and leash laws on dogs are heightened.

I for one welcome our feline overloads, and would like them to know I can be very helpful in keeping the other puny humans in line in their massive catnip fields.


I would voice my indignity more, but my cat is calling and I hate making him wait.

In the Netherlands, cats were not allowed in rooms where private family discussions were going on. The Dutch believed that cats would definitely spread gossips around the town. - Netherlands superstition

"In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this." ~Terry Pratchett

[Ah, but this last quote perhaps gives me a new direction, we will have to wait and see...]

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Fruit, Fruit, Fruit...

I love Fruit! Its like natures candy, so yummy and sweet, and quite a healty treat! Why eat your skittles full of monosodium glutamate (I mean, what is that anyway, I took an elementary chemistry class in college and still don't know. You know, that would actually be a beneficial college class, "What's in that Crap you're eating 101") when you can be eating fruit. You can't get fat off of fruit (as far as I know anyway) and I'm pretty sure it helps keep you regular. I've never heard any downside to eating fruit, let me know if I'm wrong.

It's Mother Nature's way of saying, "You're fat, eat better! What? Do I have to make it grow on trees? Fine! There! Its now growing on trees! Will you eat it now?"

[Which brings me to another aside. Why do Christians feel it is pagan and wrong to consider the earth our mother? In Genesis, God, the father, creates man out of mud, which is earth. So if God is the Father, then the Earth must be the mother, last time I checked man is not an asexual being, it needs both a male and female to procreate.]

So go eat what your Mom is telling you.

"We are indeed much more than what we eat, but what we eat can nevertheless help us to be much more than what we are." -Adelle Davis

[Not that I'm saying stop what you're eating and only eat fruit like these
people, but next time, instead of Doritos, try fruit... ... Great! Now I really want some Doritos! F--- this fruit, I want some hydrogenated vegetable oil!]

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Thursday, June 09, 2005

Long Lost Myths

How Man fooled Dog into Becoming His Best Friend...

Long ago Man and Wolf led two separate existences. Both were filled with hardship and cruelty, and both desired the same things, food, shelter, and companionship. You know this by the fact that both creatures followed a pack mentality, basically, we are more as a group than we are separate. The man being very ingenious quickly noticed the strength and intelligence of the wolf, the quickness and alertness, their increased sense of smell and hearing, and realized that they would work together well.

At this time the Earth was still young and there were only two tribes, the Tribe of Man and the Tribe of the Wolf. One day, after a particularly good hunt, the leader of the Tribe of Men approached the Wolf Tribe that had hit upon a dry spell. He walked among the pack with a large side of meat and offered it to the pack the leader.

"What is this, charity?" asked the proud leader.

"Wise Brother Wolf, I bring you meat and offer that will better us both. We are both strong and wise, and we both are successful hunters. Think of what we can do together. If you come and ally yourself with the Tribe of Men, I can promise you always a full belly, a warm cave and security for you mates and pups, with our spears and your teeth, we will prosper and take over this land." the Man said.

"We have fasted, before silly man, and we will find meat when the time is right. We do not need your offer. The Wolf Tribe is strong on its own. Our own teeth have always filled our bellies, our thick fur has kept us warm, and our females are strong enough to protect themselves and our pups. We need nothing from a furless being that can only keep warm with the skins of other animals, and only kill with sticks and rocks. Come pack, we will go." But it had been long since many in the pack had eaten, and they did not all get up to follow. The leader noticed this and turned snarling upon those who stayed. "We are the proud Wolf Tribe, measly man has nothing to offer us. Any who stay behind, will no longer be one of us and may no longer consider themselves of our tribe. If you try to return to our ways, you quickly meet with the long dark sleep." Many more quickly hopped to their feet and followed the leader away, but four stayed behind. From that point on, the wolf vowed to no longer speak with men. The ones that followed the men home, since they were no longer wolves, adopted the name of dog as their tribe.

For many long years, things were as the man said, they would hunt prosperously together, they would come home to cave kept warm by fire. They all shared in the choicest cuts of meat. They remained strong proud beings and at night would often mock the words of the Wolf Tribe leader. The dogs were very grateful to the men for their prosperous life and thanked them often for the partnership.

Fast forward many suns and things have changed slightly. Man has found that it is much easier, rather than traveling following the food, to keep the food close to home. They had vast herds of livestock, which they kept in line using the dogs. The dogs no longer ran as much or were allowed to kill, but had to wait for man to bring them their food. They quickly grew fat from lack of exercise and were dependant on man for food, as their stretched bellies could no longer survive a long dry spell as the wolves' could. Man lived in houses, but reserved smaller, less luxurious accommodations for the dogs. But the dog was still happy, they still had no fear of a lack of a full belly, though they no longer received the choicest cuts, and they were always warm, though man rarely would share his fire. Their mates were always safe, but their pups became weak from constant play with the human children, and never matured in the mighty beast their ancestors were. They slowly forget the tongue of man, but for simple commands. The dogs followed their ancestors wishes and remained grateful to man.

Many, many, many more suns passed and the role of the dog has now changed considerably. They are often restricted to houses for many hours at a time, they become dependant upon couches and treats. They will often awake to find pink toenails, and sometimes can be found carried around in purses. Many find they are persecuted simply because they and their ancestors look a certain way. But, they cannot claim that man has violated his contract. They still always have a full belly, they have a warm cave at night, their mate and pups are well taken care of, though often by others than their men. When they meet other dogs in the street, they are quickly jerked away from each other, no longer allowed the companionship of their fellow beast, because they will often attack each other without provocation. They no longer share a partnership, but consider man their masters. The once proud and mighty dog has been reduced to a lifelong pup. You will still find your dogs who remember their wolf heritage, the sled dogs of Alaska, the herding dogs found all over, but they are by the minority. The dog no longer knows anything but blind devotion to man.

Many times dogs will escape their bondage, and attempt to return to their wolf roots, but they make sure to steer clear of the genuine article, for they know the bond that was broken with their tribe.

So next time you look your dog in the eye, remember the mighty beast he once was, and take him for run, or to a dog park, or let him sleep on the bed. He's given up a lot to be with you.

case in point (and yes, I bought one for my dog, and its on backorder)

"Mysticism and exaggeration go together. A mystic must not fear ridicule if he is to push all the way to the limits of humility or the limits of delight. " -Milan Kundera, author

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Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Its a dog eat dog world

Does it make me cruel that I enjoy giving my dog the lettuce off of my hamburger?

I mean, it is good for him after all, but totally not what he expected from the smell.

"Heaven goes by favour. If it went by merit,you would stay out and your dog would go in."
-Mark Twain

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Thursday, June 02, 2005

Trying to make up for Colorizing "Gone With The Wind"

"I would like to see us to return to a little more international coverage on the domestic feed and a little more environmental coverage, and, maybe, maybe a little less of the pervert of the day," he [Ted Turner] said in a speech to CNN employees outside the old Atlanta mansion where the network first aired.

"You know, we have a lot of perverts on today, and I know that, but is that really news? I mean, come on. I guess you've got to cover Michael Jackson, but not three stories about perversion that we do every day as well."

His remarks won applause and laughter from CNN employees, but the moderator for Turner's remarks, CNN correspondent Christiane Amanpour, said: "But everyone else is doing that. Why do you think it's important not to?"

Turner replied: "Somebody's got to be a serious news person. Somebody's got to be the most respected name in television news, and I wanted that position for CNN.

"I wanted to be The New York Times of the airwaves. Not the New York Post, but The New York Times. And that's what we set out to do, and we did it."

Full article here

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