Friday, February 11, 2005

Love in the Time of Telecom.

So, as we approach what is otherwise known as the "Valentine's Day Weekend" I figured I would devote a post to all the special ways those of you lucky enough to have someone can communicate with each other. We shall begin with an invention by a man who shares my birthday.

The Telephone

Yes, that old archaic device that connects us all to each other. If you're "old school" you can always pick up the phone and call someone who cares. It's nice, because you get to hear the voice of the person you're talking to. Its downsides are many though. As it is an "instantaneous" communication device, you must have your wits about you, you must be sharp. No time for misspeaking what you meant to say, you can't back up and decide that you wish you hadn't said something. Thus, phones should be used for the experienced relationships only. Many a well-intentioned comment has damaged a burgeoning relationship. Also, phones are very demanding of time. Perhaps you have different schedules. It is very rude to assume that the person you are reaching out to has time right then and there to listen to you prattle about your dog's nicknames for hours on end.

Text Messaging

This is one of the newer communication devices available these days, and actually ties in somewhat with the archaic device above. I'm new to this medium but have found it very enjoyable. What a great surprise is it to be walking about your day only to hear a pleasant jingle from your pocket. You pull out your phone expecting to have call, but no, instead you have a new text message. I think the allure of them is that since its so darn annoying to type them they have to be short, sweet and to the point. No time for idle words (or even idle letters). Texting gets the point across, whether it be "I love you", "You were great last night!" or "Thanks for cleaning the litter box, sweetie!" The text message is very romantic in its simplicity.
I'm reminded of some cellphone commercial for messaging where a girl is sitting in some boring-ass meeting when her boyfriend walks in with a sign that says "I'm Sorry". That's how text messages feel to me. The person is right there in front of you, holding a sign. (Try that with your roommate next time you need to communicate something to them. Just try walking into their room, not saying a word, and holding up a sign saying "We're out of milk" or "Do the Dishes!")
Even those of you married will be surprised as to how you can brighten your wife's day by sending her a text message stating "Honey, I'm cooking dinner tonight". (Of course, you do have to follow through with the actual cooking, but Whole Foods Market has some great already made meals, which, if you get rid of the packages and put some pots in the dishwasher before she gets home, will fool her not at all)

e-Mailing

Ah, an activity almost as old as the phone. E-mail is great for the long conversations about nothing, that lovers so enjoy; the idle ramblings of a love struck mind. You can put as much as you would like into one, and the reader can peruse at their leisure. It makes no pressure on them to talk to you at certain point, and gives them leisure to respond at will.
E-mail is also great because you can take a look back at what you've written to make sure there is nothing there, that shouldn't be. It gives you time to decide that maybe that sexual innuendo is really not appropriate... or not an innuendo at all!
It is much better than a drunken phone call, because with the drunken e-mail you can look at your sent items the next morning and see exactly how much of an ass you've made of yourself.
E-mailing is so popular, it has it's own movie. A movie which has a great quote I shall now place here:
"What will NY152 say today I wonder. I turn on my computer. I wait impatiently as it connects. I go online, and my breath catches in my chest until I hear three little words: You've got mail. I hear nothing. Not even a sound on the streets of New York, just the beating of my own heart. I have mail. From you." [You've Got Mail]

Nothing describes the e-mail addiction better. Except maybe this:

http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/umedia/cx_dilbert_umedia/latest

[sorry still can't get my links to work right]


Snail Mail
For all you kids out there unaware. There is actually a way to send a physical letter from one location to another. That's right US Mail, bitches. Don't ever forget the allure of receiving an actual letter in the mail. "You've Got Mail" was actually based on a movie about two people sending letters back and forth. So from time to time, even if you live with them, don't hesitate to sit down with the old pen and paper and write out a short note saying you care. Girls love that cheesy crap... ...I mean romantic stuff. Many girls will hold on to these for years and years.
And in this time of over-hyped holidays and cheesy Hallmark magnetic bears, be sure to remember the allure of the simple handmade card. Nothing says you care, like glued on macaroni and large construction paper hearts with doilies.
Of course for those overachievers like me, you can upgrade to FedEx. FedEx has many wonderful pluses. Not only can you ship small items, but its also great for sending enormous oversized bears, huge bouquets of flowers, or tons and tons of candy. ;) The other nice thing about FedEx is that you can guarantee arrival on a certain date, and even track delivery to their very door step (great for all you Obsessive-Compulsive's out there). So rather than have your gift arrive clumsily two or three days before her birthday, you can have it arrive at the actual minute of her birth.


Decorated Shoe Boxes
This is neither Telecom nor modern. The origins of decorated shoe boxes are lost to myth, but they have been found in such unusual places as Napolean's boudoir and the tombs of ancient Chinese shoguns.
Who can forget the wonders of an entire day off of class dedicated to decorating a shoe box to receive the multitudes of cards and candies from secret admirers, with such greetings as "I Choo-Choo Chose you!" and "Let's BEE friends" (it has a picture of a bee on it). We we're taught at a young age the importance of Hallmark.
My personal choice for my envoy of love was He-Man. What girl's heart-strings could resist the tug given them by an appropriately chosen card depicting He-Man taking Skeletor down a notch or two while stating "Thinking of you!"
So to all you elementary school students out there... ...Good Luck and enjoy your day off of schoolin'.


So with all of these ways to reach out and tell someone you care... reach out bitches. Valentines isn't only for lovers (thank you very much greedy ass Hallmark) its now for friends and family as well. So don't hesitate to tell someone how special they are to you.

"To him she seemed so beautiful, so seductive, so different from ordinary people, that he could not understand why no one was as disturbed as he by the clicking of her heels on the paving stones, why no one else's heart was wild with the breeze stirred by the sighs of her veils, why everyone did not go mad with the movements of her braid, the flight of her hands, the gold of her laughter. He had not missed a single one of her gestures, not one of the indications of her character, but he did not dare approach her for fear of destroying the spell."
-Love in the Time of Cholera, Gabriel Garcia Marquez
or:

"The problem with marriage is that it ends every night after making love, and it must be rebuilt every morning before breakfast."
-Same as above.
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