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Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Happy Chrismahaunzakwanikah

So I'm becoming very frustrated with people who feel that Christmas is under attack. So frustrated that I'm taking valuable time out of my day to write about it. So frustrated in fact that I will probably violate my unwritten rule to avoid cursing here as often as possible, but to quote South Park (the movie):

"What's the big fucking deal?"

I understand that this holiday is important to you. And I understand that you enjoying telling people "Merry Christmas", but no one is telling you that can't.

A few major nationwide retailers have decided to be a little more tolerant of other cultures, and a little more inclusive of other traditions by saying "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas". I'm sure that your local Mom and Pop stores will still be saying "Merry Christmas" and have it painted in their windows.

People have said "Happy Holidays" for years and it has never been a big deal. In fact, in my mind, "Happy Holidays" has always been synonymous with "Merry Christmas".

Growing up, we always had wooden Christmas cutouts in the front yard that my Dad had made for the holidays. Every year, he would make a new one, and we all enjoyed them very much (including the people who would steal a few every few years). One of these cut-outs was Garfield, sleeping in his box under a blanket and ribbon with the message "Do not open until X-mas".

One day, one of my friends and his mom came to pick me up and we had just put up our decorations. She sneered at the Garfield and said, "I don't think people should use X-mas because it takes the Christ out of Christmas." Being very religious at that age, I was crestfallen. For the longest time I felt bad that my family was a bunch of pagans and we were all going to suffer in the burning lakes of sulphur!

Of course, I have since come to learn that the X is often used, as it is the greek letter for Chi, and the first letter in greek of Christ. So we were, in fact, including Christ in our X-mas display.

I tell this story because I feel that it illustrates that often, when people get upset over semantics, they are quite wrong in what they believe.

For instance, did you know that the word holiday comes from the Old English word, Halig Daeg, which means Holy Day. Isn't that indeed what Christians are fighting for, a recognition of a holy day? So once again, I ask:

"What's the big fucking deal?"

Of course, if religious freedom, racial tolerance, and etymology are not your bag, then there is always another option:

Since all the "unrighteous" are "stealing your holiday", why don't you steal one from the unrighteous! They have been celebrating that Halloween thing a little too freely, don't you think!

I propose that we begin celebrating Jesus' baptism on October 31st. That's right, some biblical scholars somewhere, who coincidentally haven't been taking their medication, have somehow determined that Jesus was baptised by John the Baptist (isn't that coincidental) on October 31st.

And, as an added bonus, since John the Baptist was beheaded, you can say that Jack-o-lanterns are a reminder of his commitment to God.

We can call it Halloweaster, or maybe Baptisteen. Once this is completed, Christianity will have successfully stolen all pagan holidays, and made them their own.

So lets all pray for a day when Christians everywhere are free to celebrate their holidays in the privacy of their own homes, without fear of persecution by the government. Where you can go into any store, anywhere in the country and find atleat 85 things that bear the greeting "Merry Christmas". Where their Church's can be publically known, and where you have to swear on their Holy book when in a government court. When their holidays, become National Holidays, and we all get a day off of work!

Oh, how I long for the day when people can freely admit they are a Christian, and no longer have to live in fear of being eaten by lions!

So I wish you all Happy Holidays! (which includes Christmas, Kwanza, Chaunakah, Ramadan (even though I think that was in the summer this year) and of course, a happy New Year!)

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